(1/2) hihi. um, so i'm out to my parents as nonbinary, but they've been refusing to use my preferred name and pronouns- whenever i tell them to use my correct name/pronouns, they always give some sort of excuse such as "we've been calling you (birth name) for your whole life now! we can't just randomly switch it! or "we can't call you a 'they' in public, people will think i'm crazy since you look so feminine!" and they tell me that they're trying to use my correct name and pronouns, but
(2/2) when they say things like that, i cant help but feel like they're not trying at all and it upsets me, especially since they've been lgbt+phobic for a long while and even tried to indoctrinate me and my trans bro into having the same beliefs as them- they kept telling me they've tried to change, but i'm really confused... is there any way to have them call me by my preferred name and pronouns?? hopefully without sounding pushy or anything??? :/
Unfortunately, there’s no magical way to get bigots to start respecting you. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. =( You are completely correct to feel as though they’re not trying at all because they aren’t trying at all. In fact, they’re actively working at not trying at all! It’s not just laziness. It’s cissexism/exorsexism. Your parents are not being reasonable or fair. They are being hateful and dismissive.
It is not pushy to demand the most basic level of human decency from people in referring to you, which includes them using your correct name and pronouns.
Your options will largely depend on your age and how much, if at all, you are dependent on your parents (for shelter, financially, etc.), and therefore how safe you are to set boundaries.
Tbh, I am always a proponent of giving people a taste of their own medicine, especially when they’ve made it clear that they are purposefully, specifically working to disrespect you. IE, calling them by the wrong name/titles/pronouns. Odds are excellent that they will be furious if not annoyed and at that point, you can point out their hypocrisy in how hurtful it can be to be referred to incorrectly.
Of course, you can always just stay the course and correct them every. single. time. they misgender you. If they try to argue with you, then you remind them “this isn’t a debate. I’m just telling you my correct pronouns. That’s it” and do your best to ignore all their anti-trans huffing and puffing.
You can also stop getting drawn into arguments about this and simply ignore them and do not respond at all any time you are misgendered, only responding and participating when you are correctly referred to.
The calmest, quietest way to deal with people like this, though, is to just limit contact with them as much as you can. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! If someone cannot respect your very personhood, then they do not deserve the privilege of your company. If they complain about not getting to see/talk to you much, then you can shrug and remind them “my company goes towards those that can respect my name and pronouns. If you want to spend more time with me, you know what you have to do”.
Unfortunately, if you’re a minor or otherwise dependent on them, usually the only/best thing you can do is put your head down and just focus on planning for how to get out of this situation ASAP. What odd jobs can you pick up? Can you work part time? Can you safely save up money for yourself? Do you need to keep cash somewhere? Are you able to get your own bank account without your parents as overseers? Where do you want to go and how will you get there? Can you stay with a friend for a while as you sort things out? What can you pare down to the absolute necessities to travel with if you’re unable to get all your stuff out? Do you need to start looking for scholarships? Maybe even get in contact with a local queer/trans org and see what resources they can offer to you.
I’m thinking of you. Please stay safe and make sure you’re devoting plenty of time to self-care.
[gif of the Pokemon Pikachu scrunching up its face very happily over the text “Pikachu is cheering for you”]
~Pluto
