Somewhere along my lifeline, something changed. It wasn't a secret when I drank anymore. My mom turned 50, and she wore it so well that I almost lost my fear of it until I realized that her mom wasn't there to see it. I wonder if she'll see me turn 50. My dad used words in front of me that he'd told me all my life to never say. The thought of running around barefoot like I used to made me crumple up in a ball and cry because I was so scared of breaking my ankle again. As it turns out, lots of people have problems picking at their skin.. So many in fact that it's a condition with a name. It's not just me... When my uncle died I wasn't one of the children whisked away from it all when the adults began discussing burial plans, and I learned about how my papa had bought plots in the local cemetery... And how some of them were being kept just in case I ever had a stillborn child. At some point the name I'd been called by my whole life began to sound more like a ringing in my ears. I learned what true love felt like, which also meant realizing I'd never felt it before. I stopped caring about things being "bad for you". My grandma told me that she didn't care if I was in a same sex relationship as long as I was happy. In many ways, I started hoping I would be like my dad when I grew up. Taking "crazy pills" didn't seem so crazy anymore. I stopped hoping to die, but cried more than ever. I wonder when I stopped being able to eat an entire pizza by myself. I started sleeping most nights. For the first time ever I found a house that is a real Home. And now it's my Home. I feel like everything has changed. I've changed. But here and now, I have no idea what it all means. I'm just trying to learn how to be happy.
