#ayeakahush

[chimaerabutt]

That feel when you can't tell if someone hates you or if anxiety is just being a dick. Also being unable to tell when you've fucked up vs when your brain is just telling you everyone hates you and that what you did was fucked to be a dick. Hhh

[chimaerabutt]

It is 10 til 1 AM

...and I am remaking my presentation that I’m to give tomorrow

in full

because I’m worried it won’t be good enough.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.

[chimaerabutt]

S-so

My bank is supposed to notify me via text message if my balance drops below a set amount. (IE if my checking balance drops lower than $50, I’m supposed to get a text.)

This morning I checked my balance to transfer money to make a purchase, and found I was $48 in overdraft...

I transferred $50 quickly from savings to cover the overdraft but I’m feeling sick right now from it all, and I really can’t afford yet more fees. This shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I know it was because of one of my bills that’s set to auto-pay, but my bank was supposed to notify me in the first place, and the fee shouldn’t have been more than $30.

And I still haven’t gotten a single new commission. I can’t keep draining my savings. I’m getting dangerously close to my bank’s minimum and at that point, I’m frankly better off not having a bank account. I’m starting to lockup from stress and cry on a daily basis and I CANNOT HANDLE THIS and I am whoring myself out as hard as I can on FIVE DIFFERENT PLACES now trying to get commissions and just

no one gives a shit.

Is my art THAT bad? I just..

[chimaerabutt]

So I thought my allergy was only if I ingested mold by accident

Nope

um

judging by how my hands are breaking out from clearing the fridge evidently not.

Granted, it could be a stress breakout, too. I can’t be 100% certain. I did have a bit of a breakdown last night, and my reactions are very commonly delayed. Hrm.

Well. Guess I’ll just finish clearing out the fridge while my grandmother isn’t here. ._. If I’m already breaking out, it’s not gonna get WORSE than “bad,” and for now I still have the energy to throw crap out.

ALSO NO GRANDMOTHER TO SCREAM AT ME FOR THROWING OUT ROTTEN FOOD WOO

[chimaerabutt]

Okay...

So, my original plan was a 6 month stay in the UK to make connections and hopefully prep for continuing my education there in pursuit of a forensic psychology master’s.

For rather personal reasons, that all fell apart about a month ago, and resulted in a horrific two week emotional roller coaster prior to my returning to the states. I won’t be returning to the UK, and I can’t afford school in the US. This leaves me with around $11,000 in student debt that I have to start making payments for next week.

I don’t really have immediate future plans at the moment, and I’m still kinda reeling from everything that happened.

Anyway. Since the TSA basically destroyed my machine when it was sent to the UK with me, (including trying to open up a 1500W power supply... ) we opted to send it back via shipping company.

It took a while to get here, and there were some stressful mix ups with the package that required a lot of phone calls, sending my anxiety through the roof, but I managed to find distractions in the meantime to keep myself from going bonkers. ...mostly.

My PC finally arrived after several delays, but by this point my depression was bad enough that I lacked the function to put it together immediately. This was largely triggered by my family who... I’ll just summarize it as a ‘not healthy environment’ to avoid going too far in to stuff that’s too touchy/hard to get in to right now.

Then my father happened. He forced his way in to putting things back together for me, despite my wishes, and this came at a time I was already very emotionally low. Despite his claims he’d “turn over a new leaf” prior to my 6 month stay in the UK, he was back to all of his old shit at once. He immediately started baiting me with incendiary comments and insults, and trying to bait out emotional responses, only to fly in to a rage when I responded predictably to his fun fun FUN combination of gas lighting (”oh but you don’t actually work” “oh but you’ve never had a REAL job” and condescending “uhhh huhhh suuuuuuure” in response to me trying to get him to stop,) and constant insults.

I snapped. I hit my head on the wall several times in the middle of coming completely unglued. It’s honestly mostly a blur at this point. All I know is my head hurt for a few days after, and I still have bruises healing up on my legs.

This prompted a tantrum from him over my “acting like a three-year-old” and in the middle of his tantrum he...threw several of my hard drives on the floor before declaring I was “on my own” (thank god.)

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get things working in my PC. I was still emotional, struggling to think straight, and wasn’t troubleshooting very well. My video cards wouldn’t power on, and I was having a hard time figuring out why. My mother chose to, against my will (again, my shouting “NO” repeatedly means nothing to my family,) grab my PC and run off with it. She took it to a PC repair shop. The final cost came out to around $900 (a cost that would have been closer to $500 had I been allowed to simply get parts myself,) but fortunately the insurance on my PC when it was delivered should cover most of this cost.

Unfortunately, it seems that one of my drives would no longer boot. I had 3 hard drives in my machine prior; my primary drive, a library drive, and a “work” drive that contained my PSDs, texture library, files for speeding workflow, commission documents, and other things related to work. It’s the work drive that failed. This sets me back massively, but more worrying, I may not be able to file my taxes properly without some of the information from that drive. I’ve lost everything related to my entire existence art and work wise for the past 5 years.

I did find a data recovery specialist that let me send my drive in for a free quote. The average price range for data recovery is from $650-2500, and this company was the cheaper of the ones I found. I don’t know how much it’s going to cost yet. If they’re able to recover anything, I get a quote.

But this is a lot of expenses that are going to be bombarding me all at once... and I need to raise a lot of money, fast. I’ll be figuring out what I’m still capable of doing art-wise soon, but right now it’s hard to say. I guess tonight will be dedicated to figuring that out.

[chimaerabutt]

Welp

So my mantra lately has been basically “well, I’ve got nothing else to lose.”

I was wrong. So very, very, very wrong.

I’ll do a full writeup explaining things when I have the mental energy to type and I’m not just.. sitting here feeling useless and weak.

[chimaerabutt]

Writhing around on the floor right now cause painkillers aren't working YAY

[chimaerabutt]

rebuilding identity is so hard.

like

when your entire life, entire world, entire future, entire plan is just DESTROYED it is so hard to figure out where you fall, what you are, who you are, and to even begin to get traction to keep going.

I guess that’s where I am, now.