Today is our last day as residents in Makkah. Tomorrow we leave for Azizia where we will make our final preparations for the days of Hajj set to commence next week. No matter how much or how little is achieved during your stay in Makkah and Madinah, you'll always leave with regrets. There is always more you could have done, or less distractions you could have succumbed to, but even those distractions, if done with good intentions and correct manners, will serve as a benefit on our records, Aameen. One thought that keeps recurring is the reminder of how many opportunities abound through which we are able to acquire total forgiveness for all our past sins. The same applies to an accepted Hajj. People keep repeating the phrase that we'll be as innocent as the day we were born, but there is another side to this that I keep thinking about. In all those promises of forgiveness, not once does Allah tell us that He will remove all our good deeds from our records when those sins are forgiven. How then can we be as we were the day we were born? Won't we be even better than that? To me, it means that instead of starting out with a clean slate, we're in fact starting out with a credit. A huge credit. Alhamdulillah, if that doesn't emphasise the mercy of Allah, then what does? I realised this morning that the veil of negativity that keeps plaguing me is something that is reflective of my accumulated life experiences. It is a reflection of my emphasis on the selfishness of our actions and the challenges that face us, and despite my celebration of our ability to continuously triumph over these, it has established within me an inclination to smile at the burdens without realising that I've simulatenously blurred my vision of the beauty that accompanies it. Beauty is not the same as benefits. There is beauty in pain and in pleasure, but not necessarily benefit in both. Although even that is not entirely true since there is nothing so bad that there is no good in it. The burden of being me is that I will probably always feel conflicted. Those that can relate to an upbringing lacking in sufficient role models will suffer a similar frustration to my own. While there is much to be said in favour of having had so many colourful life experiences which often serve to educate others more than ourselves, it would be so much easier to have figured all this out through sound advice and guidance so that the focus of my life could have been on ccontributing towards the upliftment of the Ummah, rather than on the salvation of my sanity. I have no idea what to expect at Azizia. Common comments suggest that we're moving from five star accommodation to zero star accommodation, followed by all-star accommodation at Mina and Muzdalifah, implying that the skies will be our canopy. Strangely enough, I'm inclined to advise others not to seek the most comfortable accommodation in Makkah or Madinah, because the more comfort or luxury you have, the less likely you will be to leave the room. Or the more likely you will find reason to return to the room to rest. It's a double-edged sword. On the one side, it makes it easy for you to get to the Haram, but on the other, it also makes it easy to return from the Haram. And I suspect that if it weren't as convenient to return, I probably would have found more reason to stay for longer periods in the Haram when I got there. While regrets already abound, my experience on that first night when we arrived in Makkah sealed the trip for me. I felt immersed in the experience of Tawaaf and Saiee with a deep connection to Allah like never before. I was alone in my experience that night, and that echoed the reality of my life beautifully. Insha-Allah it will be a source of strength for me for the rest of my life. Aameen. If internet connectivity is not reliable at Azizia, this could very well be my last bleeding of thoughts on this trip, which served as a purge for me more than anything else. In the off chance that I do have access to Tumblr again before Hajj starts, please send me a message with any specific duas that you would like me to make for you on Arafat, and insha-Allah I will include it on that blessed occasion. Remember me and my family in your duas. Zaid.
