If i am my heart then i am nothing because I don’t know if i can really ever love another person or myself. If i am my body then i will be nothing because i can feel it breaking down daily, i feel it smoke and bruises and burns and fatigue. If i am my mind then I’m doomed because the mind is a uncharted wasteland for me. It was a house a long time ago but the doors and windows and roof and walls were all ripped away and people keep coming and going and leave like a hollow point bullets.
I don’t know what or who I am but I have enough puzzle pieces to know I don’t really want to. If there is good inside it will only make it worse to then return to ny situation. I wish i could slowly dissolve until i was just a body and not even notice when I’ve died.
I want to close my eyes and stay that way. I want to cry again. I want to rest and sleep. I want to gasp and laugh so hard it sounds like a cough and i want to sputter water out of my nose and get my socks wet and stand up too fast and hit my head. I want someone to ask me. I want someone to be a open enough receptacle for my grievances but ive refrained from pouring any out for so long it can only come as a flood and that is not for anyone anymore.
I wonder alot about how to make an accident, try to trick myself. Maybe stare at a sign or car or my phone too long when driving. Sit precariously, drive too fast. Smoke more and know lung cancer is a tragedy enough they couldn’t be mad at you. I need to just get relief but its just been awful and uncomfortable for so long.
