The Bachelorette Week Eleven aka Eagles, Sweat, and Bling
Here’s What Happened Monday
Well my god. 30 seconds into the episode we’ve already seen dolphins, a Titanic ship pose, a jump hug, Becca’s mom, both men crying, and The Bachelorette casting vast pensive glances in a sequined ballgown. This episode is set to be exactly on par with every other Bachelorette finale.
Garrett Meets the Fam
Garrett is the first to meet Becca’s family: her mom, her sister, her sister’s hair, her Uncle Chuck, and a slew of other people smiling and nodding. Uncle Chuck, sporting his best Maldives tropical shirt, is the first to sweep Garrett to the porch and grill him on his divorce and tragic family medical history. Garrett cries.
Next it’s Becca’s sister, and honestly I’m sure she says something but I got lost looking at her hair and started contemplating the infinite expanse of the universe and blacked out a little. Garrett cries again.
Blake Meets the Fam
Blake – who, reminder, is so much at all times – tells Becca’s sister about his love of strong, independent women. Sis tells Becca that Blake would be a balanced, intellectually-challenging equal but that Garrett would make a fun dumb dad, so the jury’s out. Becca cries.
Mom asks Blake, “so what happens when Becca dumps you, you good?” and, yes, Blake cries. Then he thinks about Garrett, and about Becca, and about her sister’s goddamn hair, and he has a complete mental meltdown.
Garrett’s Final Date
Garrett and Becca charter a sailboat out on the great sea to have deep, emotional talks about their future but then Garrett sees a dolphin and distracted for the next two hours. As he and Becca jump into the water, we hear his voice in the background tell us “maybe it’s the girl, maybe it’s the equator, but I’ve never been this high” revealing that our boy has no idea what the equator is or does.
Garrett recognizes that tonight is his last chance to do words for Becca, which is not his strong suit. But then this, his pièce de résistance: “You don’t give me butterflies because they’re small, you give me eagles.”
Blake’s Final Date
Blake and Becca ride bikes and sit on the beach and make out in the rain at sunset and talk about their futures – it’s such a day I could just barf. Later he gives her a time capsule with photos from Instagram which he hasn’t been allowed to see during filming so, basically, he gives Becca a time capsule that one of the producers made for him.
Blake informs us that he is confident that Becca loves him back because of the way she breathes after he’s had his tongue down her throat for the last five minutes.
Game Time
Becca must wander around her hotel crying and deliberating. The boys must visit the breathing wax figurine that is Neil Lane and pick out engagement rings. Neil doesn’t bring any Ring Pops which makes Garrett sad so he buys a diamond. The boys don their suits, they pack up their rings, they get on a boat, aaaaand…
Blake is the first one out, which means the poison dart has hit him but he doesn’t know it yet. He tells Becca everything but the “will you…?” before she cuts him off. And then the sweat begins. My god, he just oozes sweat, from every pore on his face. Is he crying too? We can’t tell, because the sweat. It’s overwhelming. Bye Blake.
So… Garrett
It’s Garrett, the sugar high puppy of a man who has a penchant for poetic turns of phrases and a healthy appetite for alt-right memes. He’ll make an adorable dad who will stick a gun in his kid’s hand before it’s even remotely safe to do so and will likely cut off a toe in a lawnmower accident or some shit. That’s our boy. Great work, Bec.
The end. See you in Paradise.
