#theblogchelor

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Nine aka Hometowns to Bonetowns, feat. Fence

Here’s What Happened Monday

Ah, Fantasy Suites. In a more normal season, this would be the one night where a man could sleep with three different girlfriends and it would be considered an important emotional exploration discernment milestone and not an STD breakout waiting to happen.

But this is Colton, who has never done the rumpy-pumpy, but plans to so long as he can fall squarely in love by EOD.

But this is also the famed Fence episode, so we know coming into it that the only gal Colton will be straddling tonight is seven feet tall and bolted to the property.

Tayshia’s One-On-One

For the only no-drama moment of the night, Colton flies Tayshia to a rocky Portuguese cliff edge where he lays down a thin sheet that cannot possibly be comfortable to sit on and tells Tayshia that he’s falling in love with her. He repeatedly cracks self-deprecating virgin jokes, in part to remind us of what’s at stake, and in part to shed some of his excess dignity in advance of what’s to come.

At dinner, Tayshia attempts to communicate the importance of intimacy and fidelity while her boob tape attempts to Janet Jackson her on television. The surprise nip slip provides enough levity in the moment to earn Tayshia an invitation to the Fantasy Suite, where she and Colton hope to – how shall I say this – do the inaugural greased-weasel tango.

But be it the wine, or a shy weasel, or the reasonable sense that losing his virginity in a nationally televised closed-door ceremony would be the worst possible way to do it, Colton and Tayshia share a long night of passion conversation-making and nothing more.

Cassie’s One-On-One

And then, Cassie. Oh, Colton follows Cassie and all her multiple sweaters around Portugal like a heart-eyes puppy man while Cassie tries her damnedest to appear as if she’s equally as into him. Colton doesn’t make it any easier when he casually slips in the revelation that Cassie’s father did not give his permission for marriage, and Cassie hits full-blown existential crisis mode.

At that moment, somewhere in California, Cassie’s father’s dad-scenes start tingling, so he flies to Portugal to tell Cassie that the right kind of love depends on The Know, and if she knew she’d know, ya know?

Thus Cassie marches to Colton’s hotel room to tell him that she’s not in love with him, but that she likes him in a way that two people can reasonable like each other after only six weeks, but that she can’t get engaged next week, but that she doesn’t want to leave him yet, but that she’s going to risk her brain melting if she doesn’t get off the couch and go barf on a producer’s shoes soon.

The Fence’s One-On-One

Colton tells Cassie that he “fucking loves her” and starts shaking so hard that his mic makes him sound like he’s having an emotional breakdown while sitting on a washing machine. It’s not enough to keep Cassie around though. She leaves, citing confusion, and Colton charges back to his room.

He collects his wallet, punches a cameraman whom he’s probably friends with, and heads straight for the now internet-famous fence. He jumps said fence, the same way he does on the unfulfilling trailers for every episode thus far, while a producer calls for someone to get Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison, apparently the only man who can help in this situation, opens the clearly unlocked fence, looks for Colton for two minutes, declares him gone forever, and rushes back to place his hand on a bible and be sworn in as acting Bachelor. By law he is next in line to complete the duties of The Bachelor and thus must marry Tayshia or Hannah G.

And Now, A Moment Of Silence For All The Euphemisms I Didn’t Get To Use In The Least Sexy Fantasy Suites Episode Of All Time

Do the struggle snuggle

Dance the forbidden polka

Pump the paternal piston

Compete in the pants off dance off

Launch the meat missile

Plant the parsnip

Oscillate the unmentionables

Route an email to a spam folder

Sweep the cobwebs with the womb broom

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Women Tell All

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

A montage of ugly crying, a top row of unknown women, and the following conversations... 

***

Chris Harrison: What did you like about Colton?

Hannah B: Pecs.

Onyeka: Pecs.

Demi: His conquerable virginity.

***

Catherine, a DJ from Florida: I was there for the right reasons.

Everyone: Your entire existence is the wrong reasons.

***

Onyeka: Nicole, you talked trash on everyone.

Nicole: I’ve never said a mean word about anyone.

Caitlyn: Yeah but –

Nicole: You shut the nuts up you turdface hoebag.

***

Chris Harrison: So Caelynn…

Caelynn: So Chr–  

Katie: You disgusting liar.  

***

Chris Harrison: Demi, recap all your drama.

Demi: Gladly.

Courtney: You are, and will forever be, the bane of my existence.

Demi: Stop flirting with me.

***

Hannah B: Just smile and nod, just smile and nod, just –  

Chris Harrison: Hannah? We can hear you, Hannah.

Hannah B: …

Chris Harrison: …

Hannah B: *smiles and nods*

***

Chris Harrison: Watch these clips of your heart getting broken.

Caelynn: I’d rather not.

Chris: Shhhh, this is the best part, look at how hard you’re crying. So devasting.

***

Chris Harrison: Still think Colton’s a virgin? Well, folks, you’re about to get the answer you’ve been waiting for. Up next, I will deflower The Bachelor right on this stage.

Colton: Wait what?

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Ten Part One aka Buy One Breakup Get Two Free

Here’s What Happened Monday

A Bachelor on the run. A gut-wrenching breakup, and then another. A chance at redemption. A cliffhanger ending. Chris Harrison’s continued obsession with the status of Colton’s genitals.

Let’s dive in.

Bachelor AWOL

There’s an eerie silence that settles in the wake of devastation, accentuated only by the smattering of noises left over, natural only to the place as it was before and utterly unnatural after. It’s quiet now. Colton has jumped the fence, swallowed at once by the Portuguese darkness. A dog that wasn’t barking five minutes ago when Cassie was dumping Colton is now barking in the distance. Cameramen shuffle down dirt streets, their equipment jangling; minivans rev their engines as producers coalesce makeshift search parties. Chris Harrison pulls his quarter zip down a bit, obviously becoming increasingly aroused as the drama unfolds.

After several moments of tense, breathless, jagged shots of nothing, our convoy finds Colton walking in the gutter of a street, determined in his stride but aimless in his intent. Chris Harrison stops him and asks him if this escape means that he is finished. Colton confirms that he can no longer be The Bachelor. He feels he is simply not enough.

As Colton resigns to cry in a minivan, the camera zooms out to reveal a live studio audience watching the very same footage. In the shocked silence that follows, Chris Harrison poses the question we all, too, are certainly wondering: but what of his virginity?

Colton’s Farewell Tour Stops at Tayshia’s

The broken shell of our Colton still understands his sense of righteous duty to his two remaining lovers. In his pain he knows he must not merely suffer, but he must also inflict.

In deep emotional turmoil, Colton shows up at Tayshia’s door. She is beaming, glowing, the Portuguese air and several weeks’ worth of abstinence doing her skin wonders. Wasting no time, Colton reveals to Tayshia that he loves Cassie. Ever aware of the gaze of the cameras, Tayshia holds her smile as the information slowly seeps through the surface.

She asks Colton to speak inside, closes the doors to the film crew, and comforts her freshly-ex-boyfriend as he breaks down. She internalizes his pain as her own, apologizes into the void, and breaks down too. After Colton leaves, we see Tayshia wrap her arms around her knees and whisper, “it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” to herself alone. She don’t need no man to comfort her, but she also doesn’t have one.

Hannah G and The Opposite of a Fantasy Suite

Ravaged now by one dumping taken and one giveth, Colton shows up next to Hannah G’s room. He in his blue polka dots, she in her red crop top, we brace for a true Americana heartbreak. Considering Hannah G thought Colton was showing up for her Fantasy Suite, it’s lucky that Hannah G opened the door wearing anything at all.

When Colton reveals his love for Cassie, Hannah’s shock and deflation are palpable. Colton tells her he always thought it would be her. That she still reminds him of home. That he makes her better. “It’s what I do,” Hannah G replies, “I make everyone better and they don’t want to stick around.”

Hannah G blots her tears with her Fantasy Suite manicure until Colton leaves, then begins to pack her suitcase. A fellow consultant texts me, “watching her pack that suitcase was hard. Not emotional, but like, terrible space management in that suitcase.”

Outside, Colton cries into a producer’s arms.

Meanwhile, In The Studio…

Tayshia and Hannah G show up in their best make-him-regret-it outfits and confront Colton about why he did what he did. I’m sure he had answers, but I couldn’t pay attention due to the situation with his hair. It was obviously longer, to show the passage of time, but it was, what? Blow dried? Straightened? It’s usually curly but today it was not, just another emotionally upsetting factor we will not be able to reconcile tonight.

But Wait, There’s Tomorrow

Back in Portugal, Colton tells us it’s over. Cassie packs her room and tells us she won’t hold Colton from finding something special. She closes her suitcase and walks out the door.

But then Colton and his new purple shirt decide to fight to get Cassie back. He knocks on her door and she answers, even though we just saw her walk out that door with her suitcases. It is a major continuity error that we will have to ignore in the pursuit of believing in something. Something like love. Something like redemption. Something like Colton showering to get his hair back to normal.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week One aka Chaste Alien Man Discovered On Earth

Welcome back, Blogchelor Nation. Sorry I’m late – I needed a full week of meditative deep breathing to prepare to watch Colton Underwood be The Bachelor. In case anyone needs a refresher on who Colton is, he’s a 26-year-old former professional football player who looks like a Golden Retriever and in general loves dogs so much that I’m not convinced ABC isn’t subtly pushing a bestiality subplot. Colton is also a virgin, which – much like being black or sexually abused or coming from a broken family, if you’re on The Bachelor – is the easily exploitable aspect of his existence that will be treated as alien for the next several weeks.

Let’s Meet The Women, All of Whom Are Roughly Twenty-Two Years Old

Cassie is a sexy surfer girl who sometimes wears clothes to color with children.

Hannah is Miss Alabama who has kissed boys before but not too many, says Hannah.

Caelynn is Miss North Carolina and will be attempting to shank Miss Alabama in the showers later.

Heather has never kissed any boys but already has a framed photoshopped photo of her and Colton in her home.

Nicole lives in Miami and really struggles because it’s hard to be so undeniably attractive while living in Miami. She shows her whole family photos of Colton on the internet and demands that they share specifics on the ways that they, too, find him sexually attractive.

Kirpa is one of those dental hygienists who asks you non-rhetorical questions while she’s holding tiny knives in your mouth.

Demi is self-described as “hot-doggin’ for Colton, vroom vroom” which I think is redneck for interested.

Tayeisha is a phlebotomist which makes me giggle as I do not know what a phlebotomist is but sounds like a Harry Potter occupation.

Sydney quit her job to go on The Bachelor so I would say her most compelling quality is unemployed.

Caitlyn stabs a cherry-shaped balloon which is supposed to be cute but reads slightly menacing.

Courtney is a “sweet Georgia peach” and brings a peach with her on the off change that Colton doesn’t understand the reference.

Alex D. arrives in a sloth costume and takes forty minutes to deliver the line “I heard you like to take things slow” while Colton politely waits for it to be over, much like a birthday boy waiting for the happy birthday song to be over, or the sweet release of death, or whatever else comes first.

Tracy arrives in a police car as a strong-armed way to tell Colton she approves of his outfit.

So many women arrive in sequins they just get introduced as “those girls in sequins.”

Bri is Australian and also a pathological liar.

Jane brings pictures of her dogs to seal the deal, until Catherine actually brings a live dog that wants zero to do with Colton and gets fur all over his bespoke suit. Catherine, by the way, is a DJ from Florida a la Manny Jacinto from The Good Place. She is also Corinne Lite.

Onyeka casually remarks, “Colton is a snack and Mama is ready to eat,” because that is a thing that is casually remarked in 2019. She has beef with Catherine within twelve minutes.

Erin arrives in a Cinderella carriage, and the girl who brought peanuts immediately realizes she could have done better.

Hannah G. is a “content creator” from Alabama and gives Colton an empty box to let him know she’s thinking about his genitals. She later makes out with him and wins the first impression rose.

 Miscellaneous

Colton, boy-genius, has this conversation with Chris Harrison: “I still remember my first walk-up.” “What happened?” “I don’t remember.”

Just as a reminder, getting high on bath salts and breaking into someone’s home and melting cheese on all their Christmas ornaments is a crime. Being a virgin is not. Have a great week y’all.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Eight aka Wary Dads Galore

Here’s What Happened Monday

Ah, Hometowns: making dads uncomfortable since 1842.

For those of you who don’t know, the Hometowns episode is when The Bachelor travels to each of the final four’s homes, meets their families, and asks for permission to marry all four daughters.  

In a bizarre twist, when The Bachelor is a sincere but dopey 26-year-old and not a greasy but smooth-talking 40-year-old, the fathers tend to be more cautious in relinquishing their daughters to an inherently doomed matrimony. Huh.

Caelynn’s Hometown @ Fredericksburg, VA

Admittedly I am not well-versed in the state representation qualification requirements of the Miss America pageant, but somehow Miss North Carolina grew up, mysteriously, in Virginia. Caelynn and Colton don their sleekest leather blazers and take a horse and carriage to rub ice cream on each other’s faces and chat in the woods of Fredericksburg.

Later, in weather that looks inappropriate for an outdoor barbecue, every member of the family reminds Caelynn and Colton that this arrangement is, respectfully, bonkers. Caelynn’s mom and stepdad both try to warn them against rushing, but with the pressure of the lights and the contractual obligations and Caelynn’s flattery (“you’re my real dad,” *wounded animal dad noises*), both fold and grant their blessing.

Hannah G’s Hometown @ Birmingham, AL

Hannah G. takes Colton to Southern Gentleman lessons, which, considering this is Alabama, I would have expected to involve learning how to resist the urge to make out with your hottest cousin. But instead, Colton learns to walk with books on his head and eat confusingly tiny bites of bread. Colton, a professional sports machine, excels at the posture challenge but struggles to control his primordial urge to – how should I say this – use hand, stuff food in food hole, grunt grunt.

Later, Colton meets Hannah G’s family – a standard-fare dad and a mother who looks like the Mrs. Doubtfire version of Hannah G. Both play the skepticism card for the requisite thirty seconds before granting permission for a stranger to wed their daughter, take her to LA, then sell the exclusive rights to their breakup story to People Magazine.

Tayshia’s Hometown @ Orange County, CA

Tayshia takes Colton skydiving, either because their bungee jumping one-on-one in Week Four sparked a newfound adrenaline addiction or because this Hometown was Tayshia’s opportunity to say, “hold my beer.” Nothing to see here really, except Colton jumping from a plane while contemplating the potential reality of dying before ever using his wiener.

Meeting her parents, Colton must answer to Tayshia’s father on his use of the L-word. Does he know what love means? (No.) Is he saying this to other girls? (Yes.) Does Tayshia know that? (She has probably watched the show before.) Colton asks for her father’s permission, and her father tells him to stick it where the sun don’t shine while shaking his hand probably a little too hard.

Tayshia also has to answer to her dad, telling him she would know if there were red flags (even here, on a show where she and twenty other girls are granted a weekly flower to signify sufficient continued matchmaking). Her dad cautions her that “you can’t microwave relationships” but that he trusts her, and grants Colton permission before he leaves. Boo.

Cassie’s Hometown @ Huntington Beach, CA

Cassie takes Colton surfing. Colton is quite bad at surfing.

Colton describes Cassie as “the perfect balance of sexy and cute,” which is a line he stole directly from Crazy Stupid Love.

Cassie has I think twelve sister-clones, a mother who might be 30, and a father who definitely keeps guns in the house. Cassie’s parents know what we know: Cassie isn’t ready for marriage, Cassie herself knows she isn’t ready for marriage, Colton knows Cassie isn’t ready for marriage but still wants to ask permission for the marriage she isn’t ready for. Cassie’s dad is unwilling to budge on this topic, and Colton leaves without permission and likely with a hit put out on him.

The Rose Ceremony

Our final four stand ballgowned in front of their Bachelor firing squad, armed with only three roses by way of invitation to the boning episode.

Hannah G gets a rose, Tayshia gets a rose, then best friends Caelynn and Cassie exchange glances of utter shock before Colton dispenses the last rose to Cassie. Colton walks Caelynn out to a bench where Colton offers zero explanation and Caelynn sobs until she’s taken away in the rejection truck. It sucks, and everybody hates it.

The end.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Two aka Thirty, Flirty, and Ancient

Here’s What Happened Monday

The first date card arrives at the Bachelor mansion, and the task of reading the card aloud to the group is given to one of the girls who can read. The date is a group date where Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman lead the charge of sharing stories about boning people to a live audience.

The women’s own stories have a little bit of everything: romance, drama, frat house hoeing, and – in the case of the girl who jumps off the stage and sticks her tongue in Colton’s mouth – horror.

After dinner, tongue girl – we’ll call her Demi, since that’s her name – gets yelled at by Old Woman Tracey, 31, for controversially touching the date rose before it’s time. Meanwhile, Christina Hendricks Lite, also 31, reveals that all the women over 26 refer to themselves as “the Cougar Den.” In other completely unrelated news, I just filed for AARP.

 The First One-On-One

Hannah B, aka Miss Alabama, goes on a solo date with Colton. When asked to make a toast, or to say a sentence, or make any words at all, a petrified Hannah remembers her pageantry training: when in doubt, flash those pearly whites and say “wow, birthday!” If Colton, of all people, is concerned that you have no substance, that’s probably not a good sign.  

Later, on a ship, Hannah apologizes for being shy – citing the reason of… birthday – then demands to know why Colton’s a virgin. They make out.

 The Second Group Date

It’s a camp-themed outdoorsy thing, complete with ketchup and mustard colored team outfits and Billy Eichner genuinely interrogating Colton on the plausibilitiy that he’s gay. Ya know, like camp.

Later, on a couch, Heather tells Colton that she’s also a virgin and has never kissed anyone before. Colton tells her that he would never want her to feel ashamed for something like that and treats her with genuine dignity and respect. As far as The Bachelor goes, it’s a pretty fucked up moment.

Later, to bring us back to the show we know and love, Demi dons a robe and steals Colton away from Old Woman Tracey and massages him, fully clothed, on an unmade trundle bed. Tracey cries.

 The Rose Ceremony

A whole bunch of broads go home and we don’t know the names of any of them. 

People who stay: Demi and Tracey, Miss Alabama, Miss North Carolina, at least four Hannahs.

 Miscellaneous

Elyse winning the group date rose then wearing a hoodie with roses all over it in the mansion the next day is a bad bitch move that I deeply respect.

Hannah B has no idea what Arizona is.

The last line is the best one: Megan Mullally looks straight through that fourth wall and tells Colton, “It’s nice to be here in the beginning before you’re a basket case.”

Spin off idea: Megan Mullally is The Bachelorette and Nick Offerman is one of the contestants and they just make out constantly in front of all the other dudes. 

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Six aka The Bloodbath

Here’s What Happened Monday

Surprising goodbyes, unsurprising goodbyes, snitches, stitches, sea urchins?, so much smooching, Demi’s horrible laugh, mixed martial arts, a phone call with an ex-con, a substantial increase in the general occurrence of crying. Let’s dive in.

The Rose Ceremony

There comes a time in every Bachelor’s journey when he must decide whether the two girls intent on burying each other should be mercilessly cut at a Rose Ceremony or flown to a remote location and left in an outdoor canopy on a two-on-one date. Colton, making terrible entertainment value choices, opts for the former. Onyeka and Nicole are relieved of their duties; America breathes anew.

The First One-On-One

Colton takes Hannah G to a lovely Vietnamese massage parlor, wherein the lovebirds begin dry humping almost immediately. They make out before they put on their massage robes. They make out after. They make out on the table while their faces are covered in goop that they should probably not ingest. They make out while swaddled in banana leaves.

Honestly, they are so overtly inappropriate in this respectable place of business that all the employees just leave for the day. Colton and Hannah G proceed to make out in a mud bath that may have been a waste bucket, but no one was there to tell them otherwise. They make out in the shower, at least one sanitary choice.

They also make out at dinner after a story about Hannah G’s mom driving a truck through her dad’s yard. That’s not even a euphemism, but it still sufficiently revs them.

I’m exhausted.

The Group Date

The women face off in bouts of Vovinam, Vietnamese-style martial arts. The first two rounds are a blur of whipping ponytails and deeply unprofessional giggling. The third round is Demi getting her ass kicked by a grown woman and growling in embarrassed frustration. Colton cannot wait to go drink.

And Colton really needs a drink by the time Sydney confronts him and demands to know why he’s not as into her as the other girls. And then he really, really needs a drink by the time Demi suggests that they call her mom who just got released from prison.

And for the pièce de résistance of this terrible group date: Sydney elects to give Colton a taste of his own medicine, electing to depart and leaving Colton with the advice to figure out which of the remaining girls are the good ones and which are the doofuses.

The Second One-On-One

It’s Kirpa, the girl no one remembered existed until she showed up last week with a mystery band-aid on her face. As a reminder, if someone falls off a rock trying to take a selfie and has to get stitches in a Thai urgent care, and that event gets zero airtime, it likely doesn’t bode well for Lady Scarface.

Colton and Kirpa discuss Sydney’s departure at length then take a boat out to fish for sea urchins, because nothing spells budding romance like talking about a recent breakup (read: twelve hours ago) and hunting for creatures that look like spikey ocean ballsacks.

We learn at dinner that Kirpa was engaged before to another virgin. Colton thinks that’s pretty neat.

Meanwhile, In Demi Land…

Demi takes a page out of the Corinne Olympios book of ill-advised ventures and knocks on Colton’s door late at night. With cameras rolling and her eyebrows perfectly penciled (I mean a true Picasso with a brow brush, give the girl that), Demi sits Colton down on his couch and tells him she’s falling in love with him.

It’s a strategic move: it either goes well and she wins a steamy make out, or it doesn’t and she gets a dramatic exit early enough to avoid the embarrassment of Hometowns but far enough into the season to secure a spot on Paradise. Colton, who does not share her sentiment, opts to grant her Option Two. Before her tearful goodbye, Demi warns Colton that there are still others left who are not ready for engagement, as seems sensible to all people except Colton. Bye Demi.

The Rose Ceremony

Katie gets more screen time getting kicked off the show than she does the rest of the season, and uses her remaining breath to tell Colton, for the third time tonight, not to fall for the girls who might just be there for Instagram fame and not a 90-day fiancé. It is at this moment that Colton begins panic-crying, and I suspect he will not stop until this season is over, or possibly into his mid-30s.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Five aka Thai Misadventures and the Bandaid of Mystery

Here’s What Happened Monday

We’re in Thailand for an episode full of water-logged make outs, snakes, tearful goodbyes, hurtful accusations, profuse sweat, and a bandage on Kirpa’s chin that will never be explained.

The First One-On-One

Heather, a 23-year-old bottle blonde from California, is thrilled to win the first one-on-one with Colton. Heather has never kissed before, and fully plans to remediate that situation as soon as the opportunity arises to navigate her tongue squarely into his mouth.

Finding that opportunity proves to be difficult, as Colton’s mouth is occupied by gaping at monkeys and slurping pad Thai. Undeterred, Heather remains laser focused on them lips.

At dinner, Heather explains that for her first kiss she doesn’t need an occasion or a husband or fireworks. But despite her earnest wishes, Heather’s first kiss is very much an occasion involving the man she’s competing to make her husband under a sky full of well-timed fireworks. It’s almost as if someone planned it.

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch…

While Colton is on his one-on-one with Heather and the rest of the girls are getting wine drunk in leggings, Elyse puts on a full face of makeup, a senior prom updo, and a sheer white ballgown and storms out the door to find her man.

She tells Colton she can’t handle him dating other girls anymore and decides to leave before the journey becomes more painful. I suppose if you know you’re going to slobber cry on national television, you might as well look like a sexy Alaskan bride while you show him what he can’t have.

The Group Date

It’s jungle safari day in Thailand which involves shapeless hiking pants and probably malaria. Colton, who claims to want a wife who can handle adventure, immediately wets his pants when his jungle guide hands him a snake.

The women’s challenge is to forage for food and bring back their findings. Nicole, Onyeka, and Sydney find grubs and worms. Tayshia finds Colton’s tongue. Hannah B, Hannah G, and Demi find a golf cart that takes them to a hotel for burgers and champagne. Hard to say who wins.

But we can safely say Nicole doesn’t win. Later, at the drinking portion of the evening, Onyeka tells Colton that Elyse told her that Nicole told someone that she’s only here to get out of Miami. It likely took Nicole less time to get out of Miami than it took for that story to make it back to Colton. Several people cry.

The Second One-On-One

Cassie – the hottest speech pathologist slash Instagram model on earth – joins Colton on a janky Thai rescue boat that eventually abandons them on a tiny patch of sand in the middle of the ocean for hours of uninterrupted water smooching.

Later, they talk about public sex shaming (or non-sex shaming, on Colton’s part), but my god is that boring so they find a bed for more smooching.

The Rose Ceremony

As a reminder, the Cocktail Party is the time before the Rose Ceremony where the girls have one last chance to make an impression before a few are let go and everyone has different last-ditch tactics for getting Colton’s attention. Tayshia brings Colton to light a floating lantern in the moonlight, because nothing says symbolic romantic gestures like environmental pollution. Kirpa and her mystery bandage try to brush Colton’s teeth. 

Nicole and Onyeka talk shit on each other to Colton while sweating on close-zoom. Then they fight directly with each other, while Colton moderates. 

And… nada. We’ll have to wait until next week to see Colton decide to send himself home.