#bad duck

[gniteruirui]

And in other news my duck scratched me. The disrespect 🤨

[catgirl-kaiju]

This is a story I've told a lot of friends, but I wanted to share it with y'all too.

A few years back, I was on a psych med that had the side effect of making my dreams more vivid than usual, and I had a weird series of dreams that took place in a giant city that existed at the intersection of several different realities. It had, like, art nouveau skyscrapers and flying cars with cassette tape decks it was weird. And the main character of these dreams was a detective, named "Gorester" trying to solve the mystery of a missing girl.

He conscripted my help in this case, and I don't mean me as a character in this dream, I mean real world me. Like, he would talk directly to me using an enchanted doll in his coat pocket, calling me "dreamwalker". It was kinda spooky. And, at some point I did actually become a character in these dreams and kinda became his partner in this case.

Anyway, in one of these dreams we went to a local seedy bar looking for information on the case and talked to the bartender/bar owner, who was a literal anthropomorphic pig man, about who there might have information. He said, "Well, I have this one regular customer, Bad Duck. He might know something about that; he's a powerful and dangerous crime boss, so he's got connections all over the city. He's not here right now, but if you want to wait for a little while, he should show up later tonight."

We were, like, cool. We're gonna stake out this bar for Bad Duck, and the Bartender added, "But, if you could do me a favor... You see, he's been having a real drinking problem lately, and normally that's good for my business, but I care about the guy and I wanna see him take better care of himself. So, if you guys could talk to him about that, I'd really appreciate it." We agreed and started the stake out.

After a while, we saw an entourage of very attractive women in skimpy outfits walk in through the door, followed by him.

Bad Duck.

He was a literal mallard duck, wearing a pinstriped fedora. Not, and I cannot stress this enough, NOT an anthropomorphic duck, just a regular duck. Waddling into the bar surrounded by beautiful women.

We went over to question and confront him. And when we did this, it's very very important that y'all know that he didn't speak. He just quacked like, well, a duck. But, for some reason, everyone (us included) understood him completely.

We asked him about the case, and he gave us our lead. We confronted him about his alcoholism, giving him a full on the spot intervention, and he vowed to stop drinking and turn his life around. We left soon after to go follow our lead.

And that's the story of Bad Duck. I hope he visits you in your dreams as well 🦆

[flying-cheesecake]

[lechonk]

Ugh

I am a punk teenager now. I refuse to respect the older generations and I also love seasoned potatoes in the shape of the common triangle.

Stay safe, fellow humans

[bothkindsofbeans]

9/11/18

It's an important anniversary today. Some of you may remember. On this day 8 years ago my duck, Dog, escaped from his duck coop. It was the day after I had been hit by a car on my way to work. I woke up the next day and could barely move, but I still had to feed and water my ducks. Normally we kept a piece of plywood approximately a meter in height in front of the door to the duck coop, so that even when the door was open, ducks couldn't just run out. They had never tried to escape, but we didn't want to take any chances. I could not step over the board that day. I took most of the impact with my hip, and I just couldn't raise my leg. I moved the board, and then Dog, the son-of-a-bitch duck, decided to make a run for it. I yelled to my roommate who was asleep upstairs to come down and help me. Dog ran around the alley like an idiot, not knowing where to go. We eventually were able to corral him back into the coop. What a jerk. Our heroic boss and editor of this blog took my shift that night working Mondo Lucha at Turner Hall. Mondo Lucha just celebrated their 10th year last weekend. Isn't that cool? 

I get to work Dinosaur Jr. tonight, and I am pretty psyched about that. Isn't that just the cutest name? Dinosaur Jr. It's like a little itty bitty thunder lizard. Adorable. Just kidding. I've seen them a few times, and they're great. I know it doesn't really have anything to do with baby dinosaurs. I needed to get fueled up before heading to Turner tonight, so I got a coffee and a burrito. The Matriarch was working today, wearing a bright pink Qdoba polo shirt. I know she must recognize me, right? You'd think so. And I began my order the way I always do, by saying "vegetarian burrito", but she still asked me "what kind of meat?" after we got past the beans. Speaking of the beans, she gave me some pretty good scoops of each. I thought maybe she was going to go for a second scoop of rice in the very beginning, but she did not. It could have used more rice. That's part of why I always say it's vegetarian in the beginning, so that they hopefully load me up on the beans and rice. The veggie pan was nearly empty, and the peppers and onions were all just sitting in a big pool of their own liquid. There wasn't much texture to them. They were pretty limp. The lettuce was pale and not great-looking, but I took it. It did its job. As usual, The Matriarch did some good guacamole distribution, making sure it all got to where it needed to go. She wraps a burrito better than anyone else on the roster at that Qdoba. I know I don't do a whole lot of guessing anymore as to the weight of the burrito, but let me tell you I nailed the one today. I was only off by one gram. Weight: 659 grams (23.25 oz)

[funnyaesthetics]

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[flying-cheesecake]

[catgirl-kaiju]

The duality of my being is the fact that sometimes my dreams are about:

Being a warrior woman exploring overgrown post-apocalyptic city ruins that are both haunting and beautiful while fighting creatures terrifying beyond comprehension

but sometimes, they're also about:

Being a private investigator with my best friend; staking out a city bar owned by an anthropomorphic pig to help a mallard crime boss named "Bad Duck" (who is just a normal duck in a wide brimmed brown fedora who doesn't even speak) overcome his alcoholism at the behest of the bartender.