CSA Survivors: I need your opinion
TW: CSA mention, being uncomfortable during a massage, specific areas being touched during a massage.
So I am a massage therapist, to preface this, so I have been massaged many times by many people. But yesterday I went in to get a massage from a MT, physical trainer and yoga instructor and I felt very uncomfortable during the entire thing. First of all, he only had a sheet and I was trained to always have a sheet and a blanket. He also was very loose with his draping, as in I could feel air all up in my personal areas almost the entire time. The 2 most red-flag moments of the entire massage were as follows:
First, he massaged my pecs, the chest muscles and in my massage school we were taught to never go through breast tissue, but I do know that other schools in the states, esp. California teach it the same for males and females, as in bare chested so I was trying not to be too weirded out by that and I got through it. He didnt go over the nipple area at first, but then he got out lavendar oil and lightly rubbed it just on my breasts, nipples included, and not working the muscles underneath and that really gave me a creeper vibe and didn't feel therapeutic but it was already too late to tell him to stop because he only did it for about 15 seconds.
Secondly, theres a group of muscles that are on the inner thigh and attach to the pubic bone, so very close to the general pubic area. And we were taught that we (the client) create a border, but he just lightly rested his hand on my pubic area instead of having me create a border and this was over 1 thin sheet and I wasnt wearing underwear because he said it would be easier to massage with me completely nude which is pretty industry standard, but that really weirded me out and then did the same thing on the glutes (butt) which was unnecessary. He didnt try to put his fingers in me at any time though, and never touched my bare skin in my pubic area, only over the sheet. Also he kept telling me I was a "good girl" and that sounded fucking creepy and also demeaning.
All times he asked if I was alright with that but first of all, I have issues saying no to people, like in most situations I can't so i didnt really feel comfortable with any of the aforementioned things he did, and also I see all flags as red flags and cannot differentiate between good and bad touch in murky situations like that, being a CSA and COCSA survivor. So like I feel violated but also dont feel like I have the right to feel violated because I told him he was alright doing everything even though I wasnt alright with that. I also rescheduled because we are trading massages, but I feel like I'm going to vomit every time I think about going back. I just need some advice on how to handle this situation and if this is even as bad as I'm thinking it is.











