#bad pagan

[wildwren]

me: it’s the winter solstice! the longest night of the year! a time for setting intentions! giving offerings! making oaths before the gods! the magic is ripe! 

also me: yea but this Aethelwold scene I’m writing is *really* on a roll right now. 

[puppy-faggot]

I am so hype over Vento Aureo I forgot today was fucking Litha.

[casuallybeingawitch]

How to pagan by me.

Plan stuff dont do stuff Done

[melissatucker]

Getting Unlost - Foundations

So the mission of the day is to do I build something of beauty and reverence without becoming an arrogant asshole... Fuck. How do I do that?

Having never built a spiritual system for myself, or for anyone else for that matter, had me feeling lost all over again.  I mean I certainly did not want to create a meaningless piece of fluff that will linger for a millennia as a stinking piece of shit in the collective garble that is the internet (or the pile of notebooks around the house).  I also have no interest in creating something that is going to amass a pile of brainless sheep… I mean followers. I want to create something that is intensely personal, something I can connect to that will help my soul sing. But again where do I start!?! Not to mention the fact that it is an utterly terrifying endeavor. It would be baring my soul in a way I have never done and taking full responsibility for everything I believed in, and in a manner I have never done before. It seems like such a crushing task that had me wanting to run away and forget the whole damn thing.

Enter a wonderful Druid who’s writing I admire: John Beckett. I was browsing through his excellent blog on Patheos when I stumbled across this post he wrote: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnbeckett/2015/07/5-reasons-you-cant-find-the-right-spiritual-path.html

I devoured this marvelous gem of wisdom. I even printed it off and numbered each of the questions he had listed and began to examine each one carefully before thoughtfully answering each one for myself in my journal.  I’m not going to lie; some of those questions were damn hard to answer.

Some of the questions I could answer right away where as others I had to sit down and really throw the idea around in my mind a couple hundred times to bore down to what my heart was telling me. There were other questions that forced me to face a few things about myself that I had conveniently been ignoring for a bit too long. For example I know a huge part of the reason I first came to paganism was running away from some hurts caused by organized religion in the past. I’m also rather guilty of #3 at times, being a bit of an A type personality and at times it has caused unnecessary heartaches, headaches and attacks of uncalled for bitchiness.

Granted there were some things that I wasn’t totally in agreement with. I have tried more than once to throw myself into a religious practice and for more than a year for them. I find the structure to be stifling to my spirit, however I do appreciate the lessons that these structures have offered. I also recognize that when I first started out I needed the structure to orient myself and begin the process of learning about what different religions have to offer. However, at the end of the day I believe that the conversation between your soul and the divine is an intensely private one and while religion helps build community, the communion of the soul is nobody’s fucking business.

So as I sat down and pondered the list, responding to the questions, re-thinking them and re-responding to them I came to some important realizations about the core of what I value. LIFE. I value life, in all its shapes and forms, in all its glory and all its horrors. I believe that every life matters and is something that is worthy of respect. I believe that every life matters, from myself, to a dog, to a tree to a deer to an insect (although I very begrudgingly accept wasps and mosquitos… from a distance). I believe every life is a unique piece of the universe.

At the same time, I also understand that in order to exist, life must feed on life. The cow eats the grass, I eat the cow, upon my death bacteria and insects will eat me, which will feed the grass to feed the cow again. The taking of any life, plant or animal, should be done with an understanding and reverence and not needlessly. And we as an animal species are not exempt from this. My family serves in the military, and I know I have family members who have taken a human life to preserve the lives of others. So I understand at times the ending of a life is needed, but not something that should be handled lightly (in the case of my family the bear the scars of their service in their hearts to this day).

I’m nowhere close to figuring it all out, I have miles to go as I sort out where the jumble in my mind fits on this windy path I am weaving. But at least I feel as if I have good boots on my feet and a lamp to light the way. I’m still a little afraid of the road ahead as I blaze this new trail but to quote John Wayne: “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” Time to saddle up.

[melissatucker]

Exploring Lost - Now to get Unlost

Ok first of all is unlost even a word... spell check says no. Fuck it, it's a word now, at least for the duration of this post.. Anywho...I have decided after taking the time to explore being lost, letting myself feel these feelings and exploring my options that I think I am rather done with being lost and am ready to get unlost. In reviewing all my options I believe the best one for me personally is the last one... the other! What an exciting and terrifying path I am embarking on!

To be honest the other one that had warranted some very serious consideration on my part was to pick another religion and go with it. It was the less terrifying of the options and to be honest it got me this far. I wondered if perhaps I just wasn’t doing it right, maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough or missed an essential aspect. I reviewed a lot of my notes and101 books while I considered this option but felt restless in my spirit. My heart felt heavy. It was like trying on beautiful dress, one that left you gasping at how perfect it was, and then putting it on and realizing you look like a fat Basset Hound in a sparkly sausage casing.

Now I know that there is no such thing as a perfect religion, everything is flawed. Mainly because everyone is flawed, and they take all their flaws with them into everything they do, including religion. Religion can never be perfect because we are never perfect. Religion is a formula; follow steps ABC to get result 123. For some people this formula works beautifully, others not so much. The formulas themselves follow the norms and morals of the religion, which in turn is a reflection of the culture that the religion is in. The religion influences the culture, the culture influences the religion.

At the end of the day, however, religion is a creation of people. Somebody (or a group of somebodies) had to invent the religion. The idea for the religion came from either a study of the human condition, study of the natural world or interpretation of dreams or visions. Eventually these ideas become codified, the rituals are repeated until voila: a religion is born. This religion will be shaped by the people, the geography and contact with other cultures. It may evolve and carry forward or it may slowly linger and eventually die off. It is ever changing and evolving. Don’t believe me, look at the progression of Christianity: from Catholic to Progressive, or in the Abrahamic Faiths: from Judaism to Islam.

While many of these faiths have the same roots they differ vastly in what they believe and how they practice it. Even within the larger faith groups there are disagreements and new factions rising daily; look at all the different Pagan groups, or Christian Groups or Jewish groups. I mean if they can’t get their shit together and agree then what hope does a pain in the ass unruly Celtic Redneck have?!?

So I am beginning to believe that the way out of being lost for me is to not move into a prefabricated religion and instead focus on building a spiritual home for myself. Maybe I need to build my relationship with the divine again from the ground up. The thought that is hounding me now is not that I am lost, but that I have no idea how or even where to start. I have always had a structure and experts to guide me. I have had priests, nuns, pastors, priestesses and highly regarded authors to help me on the way. I have had bibles, holy texts and books of shadows to light the way. How do I become my own light? How do I become my own guide? How do I build something of beauty and reverence without becoming an arrogant asshole?

[melissatucker]

Exploring Lost - Considering Options

As I sit around, lingering in lost land I realize that I am at a turning point. I have explored some of the feelings I have had about being lost, how I got to this point, some of the ideas I have been clinging too that are most certainly not helping me. Now I find I have reached a point where I feel the need to start considering my options. I sat down over the last few days and drafted for myself a list of choices I have before me, along with the Pro’s and Con’s of each choice.

When I first realized I was lost I did not seem to have this ability. I found my thinking was seriously impaired, I found myself walking through a fog filled with sorrow, disappointment and despair. Now that I have taken some time to think, write and calm myself down I can feel the fog lifting and a few choices are clear to me. I think it would be wise for me to take a few moments and look at each of these options before blindly pitching myself into one of these directions. From where I sit the paths I can chose are:

Stay lost

Get apathetic about religion and spirituality (Essentially say Fuck it)

Decide to be an atheist

Pick a religion and throw myself into it

Other

So in examining the first option, to Stay Lost, there are some remarkably solid reasons to stick with it. The first is that it requires minimum decision making on my behalf. I just do not move. I don’t have to worry about the consequences of the other decisions as I have already discovered what being lost is like. Being lost is a bit on the easier side too. I mean if I’m lost no holy days to care about right? And despite the discomfort it has propelled me to think a lot more and explore points of view that a few years ago I never would have even considered. The cons for this choice is that it is not a comfortable place to be in as I have explained before. I find it hard to answer burning questions within myself about what I value and find sacred in the world around me if I stay spinning my wheels.

My second option is to be apathetic and just say fuck it to everything regarding spirituality and religion. This is another easy option for me. I once again don’t have to put too much work into it. It gives me a great deal of freedom to do what I want when I want without having to commit myself to any singular direction. And yet it is not a comfortable place either. Granted there are freedoms involved but there is something inside of me, a longing for the divine perhaps, perhaps the need to feel like there is meaning to this tiny existence on our big blue and green marble. The truth of it all is spirituality still is something that matters to me.

This pretty much decides the direction I need to go on the third option. Atheism does have its appealing points to me. Values based on the inherit worth of humanity as a whole rather than on a division of those who are right and wrong, plus the rational backing of scientific theory and principles are very attractive. And yet I find myself quoting Shakespeare here: “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy” (Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5). Again the deep stiring in my soul for that which science has not yet been able to explain, along with some personal experiences that the only scientific explanation for is schizophrenia, makes atheism a less appealing choice. I am still far too drawn to mystery and magic, to Gods and Angels, Fairies and Spirits. So seeing that Atheism is not the best fit for me the next choice is to pick a religion and practice it fully. This is not a bad option, it is in fact what I have done all my life. Starting with Catholocism into a few branches of Christianity, to Dianic Wicca, to Wicca to Celtic Paganism to Lost. This would give me a nice framework to reside within and a supportive community to answer my questions. On the other hand, I have found in each group I have belong to over the course of my life I eventually find myself stiffled and no closer to a connection with the divine. I'm also a stubborn pain in the ass that does not like to ben when soemthing seems wrong or off to me. If I don't feel it I tend to balk, not sure if that is a good thing or not. Mind you the decision to walk is an agonizing one and it's only when I really know deep in my soul that the practice or religion is making me starve. To be honest, I am tiered of trying to fit into the correct mold. I am tiered of limits being placed on the expression of my spirit. I am tiered of the walls built to keep people out, or is it to keep people in. I'm tiered of the questions of "Am I doing this right?" "Am I enough of a (Witch/Pagan/Christian etc) ". I'm also tiered of peple who are trying to pigeon hole and classify me then try to keep me in that box. And I am tiered oftrying to fit my soul into a box. Perhaps I need another option. Perhaps its time I tear the walls around my soul down and let it take the lead for once.

[melissatucker]

Exploring Lost - Religious Envy

Being lost when it comes to religion/spirituality is a really odd place to be in sometimes. On the one hand it’s driving you crazy. You feel kind of stupid and small, wandering around in circles. You spend time with people you know from those circles and some of what they say sinks in and feels right and true and like home… but then other things remind you of how alienated you are from your own spirit.  Not because they have said something wrong, but because they are so sure of themselves that it reminds you of how unsure you are.

I find the more I look around as I am lost the more I notice other people and their faiths. And, much to my chagrin, I have discovered that I am suffering from a horrific bout of Religion Envy. I don’t know if this is just me, or if this is something that is common to those that are lost. I could be the only freak out of this but it’s another aspect of being lost I find myself pondering within my heart.

As I have said before I grew up somewhat Christian with a very Catholic Grandmother. For part of my elementary and middle school I went to a Catholic school and occasionally attended mass. I still have a place in my heart for some parts of the Catholic faith system. I feel a strong tie to Mother Mary and I keep an old Rosary that my Grandmother used to teach me. I can still remember her showing me how to hold each bead, the Hail Mary’s and the Our Father’s. She had a tape with some soft music and a gentle voiced nun reciting the prayers that she gave me a copy of. I can still remember listening to it at night, my fingers on the beads until I slipped into sleep.

Looking back I find I have some envy in my heart towards Catholics. I envy their rituals, handed down for generations. I envy their great cathedrals. I remember as a teenager going to Montreal and seeing the Cathedral of Notra Dame. I remember the feeling of holiness as I walked in, a holiness created by the reverence and prayers of thousands. I remember being transfixed at the Altar to the Blessed Mary and seeing some of her titles (Mother of God, Our Lady of Mercy, Our Lady of Sorrows etc.). I couldn’t tell you how long I stood there until somebody in our group had to lead me out. I envy their history and they way in shaped the world I know today, good and bad. I still find much beauty in their path, although there is much I do not agree with.

In thinking on this envy I realize that I envy much of the Jewish Religion and culture as well. I envy their history and traditions, over six thousand years of traditions, cumulating in their own language. I envy their power of memory, their ability to keep the past alive and make it a lesson to their lives. I envy the fact that theirs is a whole culture built around a religion and I have heard of people being a cultural Jew, in that they are part of the culture without necessarily believing in the religious side.

I also find myself envious of some of the Muslim bloggers I read about. How certain they are in their faith, their devotion to prayer (5 times a day! Your lucky if I remember 5 times a week!). I envy their ability to put their trust in Allah and their utter conviction in the Koran and the life of The Prophet Mohammad. The surrender in the will of Allah must take a tremendous amount of trust and faith that I have never seemed to have.

The list I have of religion envy stretches on and on. The more new religions I read about, and the more I read of the faith and practices of their followers the more my envy grows. In each of these religions there is a solid foundation of traditions and writings going back centuries. They have established prayers that are adored and used the world over. Their churches, mosques and temples are beautiful in both design and the sense of community it gives their followers. I also find the utter devotion people have to be awe inspiring. I always seem to be filled with doubt, with questions that burn into my soul and there is no water to quench it. While I have no desire to follow any of those paths, I still am haunted by the power they have for people.

[melissatucker]

Let's Talk About Being Lost

So you may recall my last blog post was a bit of a confession in that when it comes to faith I am utterly lost. I really don’t have a fucking clue where the hell I am. It really upset me for a while. I mean I was actually losing sleep over this! And I have to be honest, I think it is a rather natural reaction. I mean think about it, you have no idea what you believe, what you feel, you’re so damn stressed out you cannot even think about listening to your heart and everything that you turned to for comfort feels kind of empty. This is not a comfortable place to be in, and it’s even harder to talk about.

On the one side I have great friends who are Pagan, they don’t seem to be in this odd funk I have fallen into. They are hard at work, casting their spells and honoring the Gods, they have their shit figured out. On the other hand we have the bright eyed new Pagans, eager to learn everything they can, filled with wonderment and delight at this new world. I’m jealous of both of them. I feel like that cranky old jaded lady in the corner of the party who sits there grumbling to herself until they put her in the home.

I’ve kept these feelings to myself for a while, trying to push forwards, appear confident, cool and collected.  I try to pretend my ducks are all in a row when really the fuckers are flying all over the place (and some might have even left the country). I mean I never have been good at religion. Growing up my Grandparents were Catholic so I tried to be a good Catholic. I fell a little short on some issues and while much of the religion is still beautiful and nourishing to me there were some doctrine points that I whole heartedly disagreed with so I stepped away.

Around the same time I walked away from Catholicism a cute boy and I caught each other’s eyes and soon we were seeing each other. He was from a religious family and so I often went to church with him and tried to be a good Christian. The youth group we attended was fun with lots of very good and kind people. The services were upbeat and lively and while I had fun, I still felt empty inside. Eventually I began to find that they had some doctrine points that seemed to go against my very nature and so I drifted away from the religion, and eventually the young lad and myself ended our relationship. I explored a lot of other religions because of the youth group and then the great set of boobs brought me to paganism.

Initially I was full of wonder and awe. I explored and after a few years launched myself into a full fledged year and a day. Eventually I would join a group, then leave the group and carry on solo. I grooved on, meeting more new people, pissing others off. I started a blog, went to some coffee chats and to all appearances I was doing great. But little by little things have been falling away, and yet I found it hard to talk about. It somehow… I don’t know, it somehow feels like I’m betraying something. For the last 10+ years I have been an enthusiastic pagan and now I don’t even know if that’s where I fit anymore. I’m not looking for sympathy here, or fishing for compliments.  I just want to talk about it.

Where do we go when we feel like we are lost? I mean paganism is one hell of a huge umbrella! A priestess from say a Hellenistic tradition is going to give me a different answer from a devotee to Bast. And most of our clergy are not trained to be counselors. There are more and more Pagan Seminaries popping up around the world, but the vast majority of Pagan clergy will not attend these schools and Pagan Seminaries are not accredited educational institutions and there is little to no uniformity in teaching and curriculum. So even going to clergy from a seminary will give you a far different answer.

Without any clergy in my area that I can go to I turned to my books, but those were little help. Each other has been grooving along confidently that most of their books are how to manuals. I mean I love them, and have learned a lot from them, but they aren’t at the same level I am at. There is no chapters called “What to do When You are Fucking Lost” or “How to Find Your Way Out of ‘How the Hell Did I Get Here”. Everywhere I turn people seem to be experts and very good at this and I can’t seem to muddle my way through. I feel like I really should have my shit together after ten years.

I have so many questions within myself about what my path is or what it should be, where should I go for help, How do I pray when I don’t know who to pray to? What do you do when you suck at following directions? How do you practice when nothing stirs you and your heart is full of doubt? Where do you start when you want to disentangle yourself from this mess you have gotten yourself in? Am I alone in this or are there other poor buggers like me who are totally tangled up and lost, but absolutely terrified to talk about it? Hello? Anybody there? Alright, gonna keep staggering on.