#bad pizza

[lordbarglebr0th]

hey LOSER what do you mean you wouldn't eat my pizza.

this jit eats grass

[gaykarstaagforever]

My bowels have been a disaster for like three days, I think because I've been eating Magic Spoon? Or bad avocados? Or just anxiety? It's impossible to tell, when you live my life.

Point is, let's try Dollar General's Clover Valley frozen cheese pizza, that costs $3.50.

Note: I also bought a bag of shredded mozzarella and put a third of it on this. Because that's what you do with all frozen pizzas, unless you hate yourself.

It looks fascinatingly like an pizza. Like, the UR-pizza. Like the intellectual concept of a pizza, rendered flesh, probably for some dark purpose.

It's really dark because I like my pizza dark, shut off the oven and let it sit in there for another 5 minutes to crisp up.

It's like a delicious alien planet from Super Mario Galaxy.

It tastes like NOTHING. Seriously. Like, vague mozzarella flavor. Otherwise, melted cheese on white bread toast tastes more like something, because at least it tastes like that.

There's sauce on this. There is the merest hint of tomato something, but it's more a memory, really. I got some on my finger and tried it. It was warm and wet, and...nothing. Not even salty or sweet. Once I swallowed it, the slight tomato aftertaste was there for a moment.

How do you make a flavorless sauce? Is not flavor the fundamental point of sauce? Amazing.

The crust is...well. Imagine a world where all food products come in white boxes from the same industrial plant, and those white boxes just have the name of the product in a simple black font. This crust came out of the box labeled "BISCUIT".

The US definition of biscuit? The UK one? Yes. No. It doesn't matter. This is BISCUIT. Eat BISCUIT.

If dough can be artificial "bread flavored," that's what this is. Uniquely, artificially strange.

I checked the ingredients. There's nothing terribly exotic or processed in this. It's actually very simple. Which might be the problem. This is, literally, the most foundation-tier, legally pizza that pizza can be.

I usually get Red Baron if I'm getting one of these, which is twice the price of this and baseline "okay". Like, Red Baron is good, as far as frozen pizzas go. This Clover Valley pizza is when good doesn't matter.

And this was with the cheese I dumped on it! I tasted that! What is this, without that?? Shocking.

Maybe it's good as cold fridge pizza. Some of them are. We'll see.

As it is, I dumped a bunch of vegetables and Frank's Red Hot on it and that was fun as shit weekend food.

I honestly kind of love this, because it is so extremely nothing. This is about as low as you can go, before you're putting canned squeezy cheez on CRACKER, like it's a ritual to raise the Salt God.

...And that would in fact cost more than this.

I haven't had Tombstone or Tony's or DiGiorno's in...maybe ever? I think I've tried Tony's before, but I have no memory of it. I should explore these, if only because life is time that must be filled with activities, right?

Right? Gotta do something.

...I realize I sound depressed, but I'm genuinely not. Eating shitty pizza and complaining about it is seriously fun.

The depression was me sleeping all week.

[zombearzilla]

Have you ever had really bad pizza?

Many. Usually cheap frozen pizzas, mini or deep dish. But some takeout pizzas too.

[abiamantha]

Every time I pass by that street I cross eyes with my forbidden love: little ceasars' little roman man

[fieriframes]

[We've had some bad pizza in our day. Terrible. How would this have done?]

[thisismytwocents]

"Stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked. The truth and a lie are not sort of the same thing. And there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza."

— Daria Morgendorffer

New librarian,

Daria Morgendorffer.

She's mad I burned the pizza.

[bustedxy]

Domino's Pizza can suck my dick

Papa John's can munch my butt

[flypotato123]

bad pizza

just had mid pizza, tummy didnt like, bleh ‼