#badaam

[painfulgrowth]

When you start to admire a loser, you start to become one as well. Loser energy is contagious.

[painfulgrowth]

He pulls away expecting me to chase, but i just stay in place. Let him stay where he walked to. I am not following.

When you stop managing the relationship and let the silence hold, it shows you the truth and it shows you the inevitable. It shows you what was there when you're not forcing it.

Also, when someone does you dirty, it's okay to just judge them for it. Chasing closure aka needing them to apologize makes your healing dependent on them and your emotional timeline stunted and stuck where they are. Never leave it to them to heal you. Judge them for what they did. Let their last act be their last act. Let it be a reflection of them, that they never even acknowledged the wrongdoing and had to lie all over town about it to make themselves look good. Cowards run from accountability. And that's all he ever was, a coward even to himself. You can't respect a man who doesn't even respect himself. Such a man is too busy running from his own shame to hold himself accountable to anyone. Put him in his place and don't back down if he tries to make you feel uncomfortable to stoke his own ego about being important to you. He feels more powerful when you take on the burden of his shame for him and label yourself responsible for his disgusting choices. He was disrespectful to my face and disgusting to this day. He wants a reaction but also wants the shame of my silence. A lowered gaze validates his sense of power and importance. He likes that he disrespected me and spread false filth about my name.

[painfulgrowth]

That stanky ass fugly bitch boy Badaam attempted to abuse me, but the second he did I cut him out for life. He's disgusting and pathetic. Worse, he's WEAK.

[painfulgrowth]

Poor Megan fox... you could love someone entirely but that guy, unhealed, is only going to want to be put on a pedestal by strangers who don't know him honestly and truly as the ordinary person he is with all his faults and struggles and traumas in life. A guy like that will eat up all your love, feed off what you give them, and seek out hero worship elsewhere from girls who don't know him.

That's how effing superficial they are. They can't stand themselves so they can't stand someone who knows and looks at them truly.

Another dating lesson: no matter who a man is, when he disrespects you, he becomes trash. And by staying with a man who disrespects you, by needing him, by worshiping the love you feel for him, by loving him enough to stick around, you make yourself worthy of trash. Even if you think you're holding onto a prize because love isn't replicable etc etc.. You've held onto trash, because that man became trash the minute he chose to hurt you for his ego.

[painfulgrowth]

His closeness with me was less to do with trust and more to do with a lack of boundaries and an abundance of loneliness looking for cheap and generous company to take advantage of.

[painfulgrowth]

Thing is that I have Self Respect. It means despite it all, my pride and self worth won't allow me to tolerate staying with and being broken by someone who would treat me so badly, even if my heart and mind screams otherwise. That part of me, that little girl who looks at me to defend her worth, won't allow it. So I can't. I can't let my choices show her she's worth less than she is, even if it kills me to uphold that.

Secondly, I wont allow myself to be one of those women who cries and sobs over a guy and stays in place instead of just accepting it and leaving it behind. It is what it is, no point crying over spilled milk, might as well not give it any bharosa or care or importance. I won't let myself not enjoy life or not appreciate myself over something like this. I won't let it be bigger than my life.

I WILL be content on my own, as I am, without some person by my side to be my crutch in society and self worth. I am enough for myself and I will be at peace on my own. I am strong and capable and incredible and a champion as I am, in my own right. I need nothing and no one else to hold me up. I stand on my own, without aid. And I will be just that, without need of elevation from anyone else.

And I won't let it break me or take a piece of my soul away, I won't allow any excuses to legitimize it that much, even if it feels that way. I won't give it the honor of that power over me. I won't allow it to matter so much I feel reduced because of it. If something reduces you, that means it was an unworthy experience with an unworthy person. It does not mean anything less about yourself, that someone decided to stick around and treat you badly while benefiting off of you. Someone else's exploitation of you does not reduce you. I feel naive and foolish at times, and dumb for it, but it was his lack of character, not my lack of intelligence that caused this. I blame my judgement at times, but again, I made the correct choices at every step of the way. I behaved with honor and integrity. He just wasn't the same as me. I gave another person the chance to meet me honestly. And he decided to use that to his advantage. The right partner will meet my honesty and integrity so that we can have a healthy connection together and build a serious future together. He wasn't the right one, therefore integrity wasn't a quality he could respect and reciprocate. This doesn't make me stupid for having integrity. It just means he's unworthy and I gave him the chance to show me he was and he couldn't. Yeah I feel dumb and I look bereft but that's what happens when you're serious about your life and respectful to others similarly, and it happens that the other person is a joke.

[painfulgrowth]

The way I see it is

He rejected you romantically. He may have been interested but he wasn't invested. He chose not to go with you.

Then you both were just friends but he humiliated you for it, flaunting that he believed you cared more about him than he did you. He didn't want to be as close with you. He was arrogant and entitled and thought you were his. That you cared about him too much to leave if he treated you badly. And he belittled you for it.

Now that you left, it's not that anything has changed, but he felt a little guilty for how he handled it. He didn't care about you as much and he wanted to show off about it and belittle you for it, but he didn't want to lose the benefit of your loyalty to him. He also didn't care much to keep you. You were just useful and an ego boost for him. He wants to establish good terms with you because he's forgiven himself and determined that he's a good guy and you're just too emotionally attached to him. He didn't want it to be such a big deal that he put you down and tried to tell you what your worth is.

Now he's found someone he's actually invested in and he's happy. The end.

[painfulgrowth]

He wanted to hurt me.

He wanted to use our closeness to hurt me. That's why I was afraid. That's why I wouldn't meet his eyes. I knew he'd use whatever emotions he knew I had against me. I couldn't let him feel a connection or recognition or familiarity in my gaze. I couldn't allow that.

Allah protected me. If I had normalized the betrayal, he would have gotten me used to it. Instead, the disgust in me saved me. He never apologized because he genuinely thought it was his right to treat me like his worthless property. He had the rational mind to treat everyone else well, while I was trapped next to him unable to leave physically. He took up all the space while he spit at me. He wanted to hurt me and I could feel it.

That day, I didn't recognize him, and I realized he'd done it before, in smaller ways. Every time he behaved nonsensically, and i thought I was just missing something, and tangled myself up into loops trying to figure out what was so messed up about me that could cause him to act like that, getting my mind deeper and deeper revolving around him, while he ignored me intentionally. He'd hurt me before out of nowhere. And that day, he felt like a complete monster. I felt, afterwards, when he was sweet again, that he must be a total psychopath. Because this time I knew I hadn't done anything at all to cause such cruelty, incessantly seeping out of him towards me all day.

Allah saved me. If I had stayed any longer, I would have kept wondering what was wrong with me. It wasn't me. It was his sense of entitlement over punishing others when he felt lesser about himself. Which would be near constantly. That's not something we taught him. Especially the cursing towards women, the objectification, the clear dehumanization of women in his mind and the obvious need to be prioritized and to justify every cruel thing he did with a story about who deserves it for making him feel like a victim... his current girl is going to suffer, like his last girl did, and she doesn't even know. His last girl, he referred to her as a free therapist for him, said that she wasn't driven enough, that she was a cheater before he admitted that he broke things off with her first, briefly mentioned screaming at and yelling at her a few times, etc etc. His weird issues with possessiveness and control about women cause his extreme bouts of jealousy and his constant reference to it like it's normal to be so mediocre. He keeps referring to himself as a nice guy without prompt. It's so unnecessary that it's obvious it can't be true or it wouldn't need constant reminder. It turns out he likes to abuse women in romantic relationships just as badly as the next guy, even though he appears to be a weak cowardly harmless man on the outside. It's insane... but I guess cowardly men are always going to need something to prop up their ego on.

It's just so fcked up in every way.

She's thinking she found a sweet man who's a bit unkempt and clumsy and whom she can be affectionate of in a grudging way, and then one day he'll get angry and start screaming slurs at her and refuse to stop, and she won't recognize who she married. It'll be someone completely different to her, she'll feel blindsided. Like I was.

But I see him now for who he is. Instead of just one side, I see all of him. The whole human. And to make up for feeling less powerful in the world, less in control of himself, and less accomplished and less masculine, he has to exert his ego in other ways. And the heft of that blame, he deposits onto whoever his partner is. He sees it as her duty to take it. To simply revolve around him and his emotional needs, to build up his ego and craft a false sense of security in him by sacrificing her own self worth so he feels like he's above someone. It's also why he keeps going after women who are accomplished, while making sure they are vulnerable and less advantaged than him in some way. He doesnt know how to feel like a man without putting a woman down.

He thought he could abuse me and I would still stick around because I just loved him THAT much. He thought that I wouldn't be able to leave while he abused me because I loved him.

He needs his partner to suffer to prove that they love him. He genuinely thinks that their endurance of his abuse is what he's owed by them to prove that they're true and honest in their loyalty to him. When in reality it just shows his cruelty, and their lack of self love and lack of self respect.