Handsome Enough To Be A Saint // Six of Crows
hey this is a 2 month late gift to @bananannabeth happy (super late) birthday Ashlee!! I had a whole fic planned for you but…… then it turned into kanej so I hope you like all 2713 words of it, it’s probably oneof the longest single part fics ive ever written
check it on ao3 if u want idk anymore
my first writing for soc aa
Kaz flips a coin between his fingers. The metal slips around his leather gloves as if it were coated in oil, the evening suns illuminating the old coin. His office is silent, and the ache in his leg is duller than normal. By any means, it was a good day. Loose ends were tied up, profits increased, and the gang was somehow able to work together better than before. There was still an emptiness in the silence, and Kaz let his eyes scan the attic for anyone familiar. He knew that nobody else dared meet him up this far, meetings were in Per Haskell’s old office.
Kaz had tried to use it, but it felt alien to him. It wasn’t unfamiliar in the way Ketterdam used to be, but it made his skin feel like an uncomfortable suit. The old man’s office smelled of wet, rotting wood, and cigars. Sure, Kaz enjoyed to indulge himself with alcohol, but the acrid smoke never failed to make him want to hurl. His attic let him breathe, the air was always a little warmer. The thick air made him shrug off his coat, as if lighter shoulders would help him focus on his work.
It usually helped, and he would be able to focus on the words in front of him. Usually he could work for hours without distractions before begrudgingly getting up for food. This evening was one of the worst, one of the evenings where he couldn’t think about anything other than his favorite spider. Her deafening, heavy silence was something he took for granted. Now he used spies that were mediocre compared to her. They got the job done, of course, but Kaz never trusted them like he did Inej.
Realizing he truly trusted Inej was baffling to even himself, and he didn’t dare relay the knowledge. He knew that the team he took to Fjerda understood his trust of Inej. Worse, they knew he much he cared for her. The Wraith could get through any building, could infiltrate high security prisons, yet the gang boss hadn’t considered that she’d be able to break into his heart. Kaz swallowed thickly at the thought, and every regretful word swimmed across his vision.
She was off at sea, but Kaz remembered the first time she boarded a ship away from Ketterdam. The weight of her in his arms was still fresh, the sharp pain in his bad leg with every step, the blinding rage that consumed him when he saw her lying in her own blood. Kaz barely remembered pulling out Oomen’s eyes and throwing him overboard, he remembered thinking of revenge first and the mission second. The way her skin looked still made Kaz’s chest tighten, how her skin paled to look grey. He had gotten to her quick enough to still feel how warm she was, but the feeling of her close to dying in his arms stuck with him.
Kaz swallowed thickly, trying to shake off the thought. Inej was off, and she was more than capable of handling herself. Regardless, he missed her religious mumblings. He missed how she’d list her Saints to check her knives, her fingers hovering longer near the one he gave her. The silence as she watched him work, or as she fed the crows out his window. Sometimes he would hang his shirt on his chair and wash his chest, mostly to see the way her ears flushed redder than before and she turned away in modesty. Call him cocky and arrogant, but he swore her eyes lingered as her head turned.
Missing Inej was something Kaz never counted on. There were only two others he had missed were his father and Jordie. Every piece of him that missed his father was long gone, but Jordie still showed up to haunt him. Inej held him in a new way, not in the way he missed his dead family. Instead he longed to see her again, knowing she could appear at any moment. She told him that she still had business in Ketterdam. Finding her parents was personal, for her. He remembered how nervous he was when they stepped off the ship. The look on Inej’s face was worth it to him, to see her reunited with her family made him smile softly.
She had drug him behind her to meet them, elation pouring from her with every feather-light step. He remembered so clearly how she introduced him.
“The man who saved me,” Kaz said. The words came out softy, a reassurance to himself that he meant something to her.
He looked at his fingers, holding the coin still. He had held her hand, held her weight. It was more bearable, to be able to touch her. Kaz wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to casually bump her shoulders, to brush the hair from her neck and kiss his way to her mouth. He’d never wanted someone more, in any sense of the word. Kaz needed her nearby to steady him, to make his job a little easier, to remind him that he wasn’t the monster everyone claimed him to be.
He let out a sigh, “Wraith, how many men have you punished?”
“There are still bad men out there.”
Kaz knew that voice anywhere. The voice plagued his thoughts, awake and asleep. His eyes went to the window, where the Wraith sat. The soft breeze pushed hair from her face, and Kaz felt his shoulders relax. He took in her face as if this were the last time he would get to see it. For all he knew, it was.
“Is that why you show in my window? Has justice finally come to meet me?” Kaz let himself flash a wicked grin.
Inej tilted her head to the side, looking him over. He felt his ears grow hot, wishing he had dressed better for the occasion. She slid soundlessly to the floor, but let her steps towards him sound against the wood. His breath caught in his throat before he could stop it. Inej was almost two feet away, but she felt so close and so far at once.
“You punish yourself enough for all the Saints,” She said, letting her voice drop to a near whisper.
It took effort to hide his surprise, replacing it with a raised brow. Inej had never spared him, never showed him mercy in these matters. He knew she expected a challenge.
“And why would that be? What could I ever do that your precious Saints can’t beat?” The words rolled off his tongue.
Kaz wanted to hear her say what they knew. He needed to hear it. Instead, a flash of hurt flashed across her face before answering.
“You’re creating a new Wraith to travel Ketterdam for you. When they know they’re replaceable, they leave. You will train them into your grave,” Inej said. Her words felt like ice, and Kaz remembered every stupid promise of her expendability.
She said what he had made her believe for a long time.
“There is only one Wraith, Inej Ghafa, and she names her blades for her Saints. The Wraith also feeds the crows in windowsills, and climbed up an incinerator shaft. Have you heard of her?” He asked.
“I’ve heard she is only seen when she wants to be,” Inej replied.
“She is always what she wants to be, nothing more and nothing less.”
Silence enveloped them quickly. His eyes danced over her form, her copper skin looking darker than before. Inej’s deep eyes still bore into his soul and pulled out the boy who would recite poetry for her. The only problem was that Kaz didn’t study poetry, but he could list every manufacturer that sold locks.
Kaz didn’t have the words to say what he wanted to, or he didn’t have the courage. It hurt to know it was a mixture of both, and he felt Inej search his eyes for any sense of emotion. He tries to keep his guard down for her. She deserved more than that, she deserved to hear him say what he thought.
“Say it,” She said, and his heart skipped a beat.
“What I’m thinking?” Kaz blinked, making sure he wasn’t delusional. Inej nodded, her eyes flickering down her face before meeting his gaze again.
“You are my weakness. If anyone knew that you make it easier to pick locks, to remember, to be? Well,” Kaz let out a hoarse laugh, “I don’t think either of us would be standing.”
“People know I’m quite the reliable source, one even wanted to break my legs. Make me worthless to you,” She breathed, and Kaz felt his heart shatter.
“You are worth more to me than being light on your feet, Inej. I don’t see,” Kaz blinked, biting his lip and shaking his head. He forced the next words out, “It’s dangerous to love someone how I love you.”
The words made him feel vulnerable, open to attack. It was the level of comfort he felt when facing a firing squad. Inej’s eyes gave little away except for surprise, but the tug of her lips into a soft grin told him that he was not about to be broken again.
“Then be glad I’m not nearby,” Inej was trying to keep the happiness from bubbling in her voice.
“I wish that were the case,” Kaz said, “But I miss you too much.”
Inej’s face broke into a full grin, and it was infectious. Kaz smiled brightly at the look in her coal colored eyes, and he reached out to brush his fingers along her wrist. He didn’t feel anything, and he risked grabbing her hand. His gloves were a barrier, but her could feel her small fingers slide between his own.
“The ship feels quite empty without you,” Inej said.
Kaz shook his head, “Last two times I went on a ship with you, one or both of us could’ve died.”
Inej’s smile faltered, “I’d rather die by your side than of old age with a lapdog.”
“What if you could do both?” Kaz let a low chuckle leave his chest, and Inej’s laugh sparkled in his ears.
Inej let go of his hand, moving to sit on his bed. He watched her trail her fingers on his bedspread, taking in the beige. Kaz was sure that she didn’t know how much he needed her, how much he cared for her.
“Stay, please. At least for a few days,” Kaz said.
“I can’t run errands, not now.” Her voice broke, and it made Kaz’s chest tighten.
“I want you here. With me,” He begged, “We can fix whatever is against us. We’ve done the impossible before.”
Inej looked at him sharply, as if hearing his honesty was surprising. Kaz couldn’t fault her for that, since he was known to lie. This honestly stripped him raw, and he knew she could see that.
Inej hesitated, “Has someone taken my old room?”
“No, it’s just how you left it,” Kaz answered, “But, I don’t want everyone to know you are here yet.”
Kaz took a step to close the distance between them, and he was so close he could feel her warm breath on him. He couldn’t touch her, he knew that, but he could be close to her.
“Because, I still want some time with you. You really should tell me your stories from the ocean.”
Inej smiled up at him, and he noticed how each smile came easier than the last.
“They aren’t too fun, they’re filled with sorrow and bad poetry about a love far away.”
“A love?” Kaz quirked a brow.
“Yes, some call him Dirtyhands and he’ll do anything for a price. Have you heard of Kaz Brekker?” She joked, and Kaz grinned.
“I’ve heard he’s handsomer than a pile of kruge.”
“Handsome enough to be a Saint.”
Kaz watched her fingers ghost above his shoulders, careful not to touch him, but still able to feel his silhouette. He shut his eyes and pressed her fingers into the shoulder of his shirt, some of the warmth barely traveling through the cloth.
“Kaz…” Her words trailed off, and he could feel her searching him for a sign to lift her hand away.
Instead, he dropped his head towards hers, ghosting a kiss along her cheek. The simple action made him want to push her out the window, to puke into a bucket, but he held back. Kaz simply pulled his head back and watched as Inej stared at him. She looked so confused, blinking in surprise. His repulsion to touch was hard to control, and to deliberately push past it would come back to bite him in the ass. Kaz could deal with that later, he needed to let Inej know he would do anything for her.
“I know,” His voice was hoarse, “But I had to. At least once.”
“I love you, Kaz,” Inej said.
His heart settled in his chest, and he knew he didn’t have to repeat it to her.
“So you’ll stay?” He sounded more like a hopeful child than he would’ve liked, and Kaz mentally chided himself.
“Yes,” She said, “And maybe do a job, let’s see how irreplaceable I am.”
Kaz mimicked her smirk, “You will be the death of me, Inej Ghafa.”
“Wouldn’t be the first man I’ve killed,” She replied, “But I’d like more time with the bastard of the Barrel.”
He looked at the curly frizz on top of her head, the shiny braid that now extended even longer. He wondered how long her hair is when it was let down. Inej looked almost the same, but a new scar stretched from her collarbone into her sleeve, and Kaz bit his tongue to stop from asking about it. It reminded him of a gift he had made for her. Kaz backed away to retrieve a new dagger from his desk. It was wrapped in black cloth, a crow engraved into the handle of the steel blade.
“I had a Grisha Fabrikator make this,” Kaz said.
He extended the dagger to her, the blade resting on his fingers. Inej studied it for a long moment before taking the handle. She ran her fingers over it, twirling the blade and feeling the weight. It took what felt like minutes for her to look at him again.
“The crow? For the Dregs.” Kaz followed her eyes to his cane.
“You can’t just leave us in Kerch,” Kaz said.
“I’d always find a reason back. Nina may be back in Ravka, but Jesper and Wylan are here,” The blade disappeared into a sleeve, “And I want to see the Menagerie burn.”
Kaz felt the weight of her words. They burned through the room with power, even heavier because Inej rarely mentioned what she endured at the brothel. He nodded, but couldn’t hold his tongue.
“Which Saint will that blade become? Which Saint helped you kill Dunyasha?” Kaz tried to flip the subject back to her blades, since they always calmed her.
“Mock my Saints, you’ll need them someday.”
“They always bring you back to-” He stopped himself. The word about to leave his mouth was selfish, the words of someone who had never lost.
“Thank you,” Inej said, “For all of it. You keep saying you’re a monster, but yet you’re not a monster towards me.”
He knew she was provoking him, wanting him to say what he was thinking. Inej would have to settle for part of the truth.
“I’ll miss you, Inej.” He pulled his gloves on his hands even farther, a force of habit when Inej forced him to delve deeper.
Inej let out a breath, “Let’s join the gang. I have a few days to strip away your armor.”
The girl before him turned to leave, leaving the door open behind her for Kaz to follow. With cane in hand, he fell into step behind her, knowing he’ll lose her if she isn’t within eyesight. The noise from below got louder when the crew saw Inej, a chorus of cheers erupted at her return. Kaz knew he wouldn’t want to let her out of sight for the night, not when she could leave in the morning.
