"Leaving me behind all the time doesn't exactly scream 'part of the team'." Can you do an allenbert fic with this?
Julian’s eyes flash a dangerous red, hot, burning color and it frightens Barry. What the heck has he done now? With Julian, it seems he is always doing something wrong, screwing thing up, because he is Barry Allen. He doesn’t understand Julian at all. He tries his darn hardest, but there is like a protective, unbreakable shield around the man or something.
“Julian,” he tries in a soft and pleasant voice, backing away slightly, because Julian looks like he is ready to kill him any second now. “What’s wrong?”
Julian balls his hands into two hard fists and punches the table, knocking off some chemicals, which Barry hopes aren’t dangerous. “What isn’t wrong, Allen?” he yells, as his face gets red hot. “I never get a break. I’m always a wrung out rag. When I dry out, I’m always thrown out. How long will it be before I’m thrown out of your TEAM?”
Barry rubs his neck nervously and swallows. “What?” He tries to make sense of everything that Julian has just said. “You aren’t gonna be thrown out, Jul. You’re part of the team. We will … would never do that to you. I’m sorry you were always casted out before, but this, the team, it’s different with us.”
Julian laughs, a flat laugh, without any emotions. “This is what you call being part of the team?” He laughs again. “I’m not part of the team! Leaving me behind all the time doesn’t exactly scream ‘part of the team.’”
Barry’s eyes widen. “Julian, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that’s how you feel, but you have to understand, metas are dangerous, and you are—”
“— a liability? Because Savitar got his claws in my brain.”
“No, no, Jul,” Barry reassures him, but that fierce, fiery look wanes away from Julian’s gaze only to be replaced with a daunt, haunting look. “Jul, you okay?”
“Yes, I’m just fine,” he says through clenched teeth.
“I’m sorry you felt left out of the team. I — we will make sure you feel included, because you, Julian Albert, do so much for us. Without you, we would be so lost. Seriously, Jul. I’m not kidding.”
Jul blanches and then turns away from Barry. “Save it, Allen. I understand. I’m a liability. I shoulda known.”
Barry sighs. “Jul, if there is something bothering you, know that I’m here for you. I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but I’m here.”
“Leave, Allen. Please.” There is this hint of vulnerability, this rawness, this deep, troubling pain, and it breaks Barry’s heart. “I can’t deal with you right now.”
“Jul.” Barry rushes to his side and lowers himself on the floor until he is positioned between Julian’s lap. He reaches for Julian’s white knuckle and squeezes it gently. “Talk to me.”
“I can’t. And please stop calling me that godforsaken name.”
Barry smiles. “Is this about Alchemy?”
Julian stares at Barry and his eyes are so soft and there is this wetness swimming around in them. “Allen, I’m fine. Please leave,” he says low and hushed, as his body trembles and shakes.
“No, I’m not leaving you.”
Please,” he begs and there is this desperate note in his voice. “I’m begging you. Let me be.”
“I can’t do that. I never turn away when a friend’s in trouble.”
Barry circles his thumb around Julian’s pulsing, hot knuckle.
Julian stares at Barry again and then falls to the floor beside him. “I’ve these dreams. Of him controlling me again. Of making me kill people. And you know what the funny thing is, I enjoyed it, Allen. I do. Watching those innocent, civilians scream and yell in pain gave me pleasure. I just don’t know who I am anymore.”
Barry hesitates for a moment before he closes an arm around Julian and pulls him closer to his chest.
“What do you think you ar—”
“Shoo.” Barry places his thumb between the open circle on his lips. “You’re not Alchemy. Your dreams aren’t real, okay? You’ve to understand that. You’re so much a better man than I ever will be. You know when it’s right to be harsh when I don’t. So, don’t ever let Savitar make you question who you are. You are Julian Desmond Albert and that is that!”
“It isn’t that easy, Barry.” He settles into Barry’s touch and doesn’t even protest when Barry starts running his fingers through his hair. “I wish it were.”
“Trust me, I know. I’ve trusted people — Harrison Wells, or Eobard Thawne, Jay Garrick, or Hunter Zoloman — thing is, Jul, you will get better in time, okay?”
“I don’t think I ever will,” Julian says, burying his face in Barry’s face, letting the unshed tears fall.
“Yes, you will be. I’m here for you. We are all here for you. Trust me, we aren’t going anymore.”
Barry rubs circles on his back, trying to ease the tension and pain away. He knows Julian is not going to like it when he discovers he breaks down (again!) in Barry’s company and it is going to make his life a living hell.
But, this, being there, offering comfort to this brilliant man, is worth living through any hell.
