Could you write Rafael leaving permanently but there is Sonny at Olivia's place?
Rafael hates when he hears footsteps behind himself. And he immediately knows it's a certain detective approaching. The one person out of this forsaken squad he doesn't need right now.
"What are you doing?" says the voice with the terrible accent behind him.
"Looking at the courthouse," Rafael answers, very well knowing that obviously and of course this is not what Carisi means.
This must be the reason why Carisi ignores the comment. "You can't leave."
Rafael sighs and turns around. "I can and I will."
"But-"
"I have to," Rafael interrupts him firmly.
There Carisi stands in front of him, pretty as always. He's tired, the cold reddens his cheeks and noes and his hair is out of place. All of this makes him even more beautiful. And while Rafael is happy to be given that sight in a difficult moments like this, Carisi being pretty is not what he needs.
"But we need you, you're the best," is Carisi's argument and Rafael thought he taught him better.
"Don't you disapprove of what I did?"
"No," Carisi answers simply. Rafael had purposely avoided talking to Carisi during the trial. Not just because he was (still) in no mood to argue with Catholic semantics. Mainly, in case Carisi was disappointed, Rafael didn't want to know.
This is why he decides to take this.
"Thanks," Rafael basically whispers and after a few moments of silence of staring in these blue eyes, he adds, "I'm happy to hear."
"Obviously, I'm also gonna miss you," Carisi adds, out of the blue and it is too much for the relationship they have. But of course, that doesn't stop Carisi nor does it embarrass him. Carisi is all weird with his long arms slouching all around him, but he means it. "And I'm not just saying it cause you're my mentor."
It is very sweet and Rafael wants to tell him that, but it's too much for him to handle at the moment.
"I can't do this anymore," Rafael explains simply. "This job burns me out. The justice system isn't just. And I just can't do this anymore."
"But we're all like this," Carisi rejects. "It's our thing. We do this even though it's all just drops on a hot stone."
For some reason, Rafael needs to smile. And he loves this man for managing to do this in this particular moment.
"Not me anymore," Rafael says with his lopsided smile, he hopes it's charming and somewhat appearing full of wisdom. "But don't worry, I will go on. I will find another way."
They look at each other for a long time. Mainly, because Rafael feels like Carisi wants to say something. He smiles back and bites his lips. And for some reason Rafael's mind wanders off because his lips are so pink and his skin is so pale and he vaguely remembers that this is how snow-white is described.
"I guess there's no point in trying to talk you out of it," Carisi breaks the silence.
"There was no point ever," Rafael says and this time his smile is even warm. "Which never stopped you."
"Today it does," Carisi replies, smiling but somewhat sad. "Because I think that's you want."
"Thank you. Although, for the record, I always wanted you to shut up."
Carisi grins, but doesn't comment. And all of the sudden it really does feel like flirting. Which seems all wrong considering he feels bad for just getting out of a murder trial and leaving his workplace of twenty four years.
"I wish you the best, Rafael."
"I'll be fine."
"Promise?"
Rafael feels himself blushing and hopes that Carisi will not notice because it's February in NYC. "I do."
"So, in the sense of making the best out of the situation, I guess this means I could ask you out now?"
He is very sweet and Rafael's heart skips a beat. Underneath all the sorrow and sadness and stiffness Rafael is feeling at this moment of leaving it makes him feel warm.
"Yeah-"
"I'm sorry, this is the worst moment to ask someone out. I really wish the best for you."
"Sonny, shut up."
"Okay."
"I'm going to call you in a couple of months, okay?"
"Okay."
"I just need some time."
"All the time you need."
It's ridiculous, they smile too much. Rafael can't wrap his head around the moment and really doesn't want to make sense of it.
"Now, let me go back to looking at the courthouse sadly and dwell in my sadness."
Rafael Barba x Sonny Carisi
Warnings: language.
a lil 900 wc drabble for ya.
sorry not sorry I combined two req’s into one lol
To say Carisi was nervous when his first trial finally rolled around was an understatement. He instantly wished he had asked for more shadowing or second chair-ing with Rafael or Peter, although he wasn’t expecting the D.A to throw him straight into the deep end thanks to his experience within SVU. At home he paced through the living room, practicing arguments in front of Rafael who would give him pointers, tell him to slow down, tell him to leave room to breath. (Which Sonny thought was rather ironic coming from the silver tongued lawyer himself). He had Raf run over everything in the case with him, helping point him in the right direction to put the pieces together. He felt a little bad, using his boyfriend’s expertise for free, but was more than happy to cook him more than a few dinners, and indulge in a few more rewarding treats elsewhere in the apartment.
Honestly, he was a little surprised when Rafael showed up at his arraignment, he hadn’t said anything about it before kissing Sonny good bye that morning, but it was the perfect little pep in his step he needed. Even if Rafael did slip out before anyone was able to realize it was him.
When the trial finally came along Rafael encouraged him, ensuring that he was ready, and that he could do this.
“I know this is kinda an awkward situation,” the taller man began, “but do ya think there’s any chance you’d be willing to come, even just for an hour?” Rafael sighed softly, glancing up at him from his spot on the couch.
“I wouldn’t miss it Mi Amor.” Raf tugged him down to the couch, kissing his cheek.
“Ya sure?” Sonny’s brow scrunched, “I mean, I know it must be a little weird for you.”
“It’s your first trial. I want to be there to support you.”
“Thank you.” Sonny kissed him softly before they curled up for their nightly movie, an attempt to distract Sonny from work for a bit.
The next morning Sonny was too busy trying not to drink an entire bottle of Pepto in front of his boyfriend to focus on much. He nibbled at a few pieces of toast, and Rafael made sure to make him something for lunch that would substantial enough to get him through the day (and bringing the extras with him for himself to enjoy).
Sonny made it through the opening statements well enough, and he was the perfect amount of gentle and assertive with the victim while she was questioned. It was once the defence got up there that Rafael noticed that he could’ve been objecting a lot more than he was, and that he missed an opportunity to redirect that could’ve helped the poor vic out. He knew not to nitpick, that he couldn’t be too hard on Carisi, even if he was the tough love type, he wanted to be supportive. When they broke for recess Rafael met him in a deserted hallway.
“So? Absolute garbage right?” Sonny started, dropping onto a bench, “maybe I wasn’t cut out for this.”
“You are.” Raf soothed softly, rubbing at his back. “You’ve spent years studying and annoying the crap out of me for me to know that you’re meant for this.”
“Ya mean it?”
“Yes.” Raf glanced around quickly before pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“Any words of advice?”
“You’re holding back.” He stated softly, “don’t be afraid to be annoying with the amount of objections or interruptions you make in the defence’s time. They won’t hold back, especially knowing that you’re new. You’ve got one of their witnesses up after this right?”
“Yeah.”
“Grill them. Grill them just as hard as you would have in an interrogation room.”
“Thanks.” Sonny gave Raf’s shoulder a soft squeeze before he stood.
“Hey..” Raf started, “I’m right here, okay?” The other man gave him a warm smile and then moved back into the court room.
Sonny made the point of stepping up, objecting more, paying more attention to the exact words everyone was saying, making a point to do his job as perfectly as he could. When he got up to cross the witness, he started out strong, and then wavered a little bit. But as he glanced through the gallery and locked eyes with Rafael, the brunette giving him a knowing look with a small smile, a gentle nod and that was all the encouragement he needed.
The little boost helped Sonny and within a matter of minutes he had the defence’s witness bumbling over their words. The stumbling broke them down rather quickly before they were confused over the entire thing and blurted out a number of answers to questions that had the defence burying their face in their hands. Sonny had done enough damage that a redirect couldn’t even get the defence back on the right track. Sonny couldn’t help but glance back, catching the grin on Barba’s face, the admiration swinging through his eyes.
Once they broke for the day, Rafael joined Sonny at the bottom of the courthouse stairs, squeezing his arm softly.
“Good job Counsellor.” He smirked.
“Thanks.” Sonny flashed that adorably dopey grin and Rafael chuckled.
“You know…that was kinda hot.”
“Guess you have a special reason to come to more of my trials.”
“I most certainly do.” He laughed, pressing a kiss into his lover’s cheek as they made their way through the streets of the city.
It came off as a surprise, actually. In fact, Rafael had never liked the thought of sharing his clothes, not one bit. He’d had plenty of lovers over the years and he never offered any clothes for them to wear or anything like that. He didn’t even like the thought.
But with Sonny everything was different, even that. So when one evening, after they had been fooling around in Rafael’s apartment, when the delivery guy knocked. Rafael was stark naked and Sonny, who was still wearing his trousers, bent down to pick a shirt from the floor and walked to the door as he was putting it on.
When he came back a few minutes later, sporting a mischievous smile and saying that he had put the food in the oven, so it could wait a little bit. He was wearing Rafael’s shirt, it was easy to tell because the sleeves were too short and it was loose around the shoulders. But the older man wasn’t bothered about Sonny taking his expensive shirt, in fact, he liked it.
He stalked until he was almost touching his lover and he left out a chuckle because the shirt really didn’t fit. Sonny looked down and he smiled sheepishly before he moved to take off the shirt, but Rafael stopped him.
“Leave it on...” he muttered against Sonny’s lips before kissing him deeply.
He liked that he could smell his own cologne on Sonny’s neck as he kept kissing him, he really enjoyed the color and richness of the shirt encasing Sonny’s perfect body.
So when the following morning, Sonny checked his overnight back and couldn’t find his tie. He should have suspected of Rafael’s mischievous grin before he handed his lover one of his own ties. But he didn’t, because that meant he would be wearing Rafael close the whole day, and he was more than okay with that.
(If anyone is interested, this could go on longer because I’ve found out I actually like this prompt. So, let me know)
A little drabble requested by @power-bottom-barba-is-sad, because we never get enough Lucia Barba in this fandom. Set after SVU was unexpectedly canceled in season 17, so we’ll never know what happened with all those death threats. - xoxo, ahf.
“Ma’am, may I see some ID?”
Lucia stopped in place, head slowly turning to the side.
The police officer was painfully young, Hispanic. Still in uniform and closer to his school years than she would have preferred if his restless shifting was any indication. Kids could smell principals a mile away, there was a chance she looked like this boy’s mother, and she would have been shocked if this boy was older than twenty-five so she still had the upper hand when she puffed a lock of dark hair out of her eyes and got a better grip on the twin bags of groceries in her arms.
“I’ve done this already,” she told him sternly. “One of your officers cleared me two weeks ago.”
“I didn’t-, I mean I wasn’t there. For that. No one told me about that.” The boy cleared his throat. “Ma’am.”
“My name is Lucia Barba. I’m here to see my son.”
“I understand that, ma’am, but I need to confirm your identity.”
“You have. Multiple times,” she replied. “Usually without requiring me to put my groceries on the godforsaken Manhattan sidewalk.”
“Ma’am-”
“Mrs. Barba!”
Lips pursed, Lucia turned to see an older brunette approaching.
Olivia, badge and gun on her hip where the gunslingers in her mother’s telenovelas used to wear them. She didn’t think Olivia Benson to be the gunslinger type but the look suited her all the same.
“Lieutenant,” she greeted. “I’m being kept from my son.”
“What? Why?”
“Ma’am, Detective Carisi told us-”
“Who?” Lucia interrupted. “Who told you not to let me see my son?”
“No one,” Olivia said quickly and gave a wide, clearly threatening smile to the boy in front of her. “Right, Officer… Trujillo?”
“Right,” he said slowly and nodded first at Olivia, then at Lucia. “Feel free to go on up, Mrs. Barba. Sorry.”
She huffed a triumphant breath and Olivia smiled.
“All fixed. Have a nice night, Mrs. Barba,” she said and attempted to go around the back of her, toward the dark SUV parked on the curb, but Lucia didn’t give her the chance.
“Do you know who hired that man to kill my baby?” she asked, voice strident and foot tapping. Lieutenant Benson was less susceptible to it than most.
“Not yet,” she admitted with an apologetic smile. “But we’re working on it. And in the meantime, Rafael is in very good hands.”
“Whose?” she asked. “Whose hands? Yours?”
“Mine,” she admitted, “And the rest of the squad. He has people, Mrs. Barba. Good people who want to protect him and who are going to do their best to figure out who’s behind this.”
Lucia nodded and Olivia stepped away again.
“And you’re leaving?” Lucia called just before getting to the car.
Olivia stopped in place but didn’t turn.
“Yes, Mrs. Barba. The detective assigned to Rafael for the night is in place upstairs.”
“Do I know him?”
Lucia had to strain to hear, “Poor Carisi.”
“What?”
“Have a good night, Mrs. Barba,” Olivia called over her shoulder with a wave as she circled the car. “Tell Rafael I’ll see him in the morning.”
“Mmhmm,” she murmured and spared one last withering look at the officer who stopped her before entering the building, who shrunk away under the weight of her disproval. “No more visitors tonight. We’re cooking.”
“Yes ma’am.”
…
“Rafi!” she cried, banging on her son’s door. “Rafael!”
She heard laughter on the other side - not just her son’s.
“Rafael!”
More laughter, possibly something that sounded like footsteps. She was rearing back to kick the door when it opened, revealing a man distinctly not her son. Someone tall and blond with too much product in his hair and an easy sort of smile that made Lucia wonder what in the hell he was doing in a five block radius of her son.
“Who are you?”
“Mrs, Barba,” the man started but she cut him off.
“No, I’m Mrs. Barba. I want to know who you are.”
“Mami, this is Detective Carisi,” Rafael’s voice told her from behind the blond. Finally the man stepped aside and she could see her son on the couch, drink in hand. “He’s one of the detectives from SVU, helping with my security.”
“I’ve heard your name before,” Lucia admitted and then walked past him and into the kitchen. She could feel eyes on her but ignored them as she set the grocery bags on the counter. “The boy downstairs said you’re in charge of who sees my son and who doesn’t?”
The detective, flushed now, looked down at his hands. “Uh, yeah, I guess. It’s just important that we know-”
“- who his mother is?” Lucia finished for him. “Because that child downstairs tried to detain me in my own son’s home, when I have been here several times in the last two weeks. You’re in charge of that?”
“Yes ma’am,” he replied, chastised. “I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“Perfect,” she said and turned her attention to the food in front of her. Rafi wouldn’t cook on the best day, much less under stress, and Lucia was determined to stock his refrigerator with two weeks of dinners before she left. “Rafi, come help me please. I could use a hand and you clearly aren’t doing anything useful.”
The man was smart enough to recognize it for the dismissal it was, so he told her son that he’d be outside if he needed anything and to enjoy his visit. Polite, at least, she couldn’t help but notice as Rafael carried a chair outside the door and then closed it behind him - a sight that made her even more suspicious, because Rafael did manual labor for exactly two people and one of those had been dead for over a year. When he returned to the kitchen it was with a stiff glare in her direction, not that it did anything to deter her.
“Liv called me before you came up,” Rafael started. “I think it might have been a warning.”
“A warning for what?”
“A warning that you were on the warpath,” he answered and Lucia scoffed.
“They’ve never seen a warpath. This is mildly irritated,” she told him and her son laughed because no one knew it like he did. She looked him over, finding new parts of him that looked thinner. The circles under his eyes were darker, even if his eyes seemed happy. “What are you doing with your time? Are you okay, are they letting you work?”
“I work all the time.”
“Are you… are these people helping you? Are they working your case, or whatever?” she said, gesturing.
He regarded at her with eyes so direct they looked right through her.
“I’m safe, Mami.”
The shuddering breath that escaped her was probably evidence enough of her worry, her stress, her fear and her relief, but the consolation was for both of them so she accepted it with a tired smile and started pulling groceries out of the twin paper sacks.
“Good,” she said. “Now come help me with this mango, I can never unpeel them without breaking a nail.”
She waited until Rafael was next to her, plucking a knife from the rack to butcher the ripe mango on the cutting board in front of him. He handled it expertly, nimble fingers delicate on the handle and pointedly away from the blade. Her son didn’t cook, it seemed, but at least he still knew how to help her do it. Silence reigned in the kitchen while she finished unpacking all her ingredients, started eyeing the range and wondering how many pots she could get going at once.
Outside she heard whistling.
“When you talked about the detective,” Lucia started and to his credit, Rafael didn’t jump in surprise, “You made him sound much younger.”
Rafael’s voice was neutral when he answered, “Ten years younger than me.”
“But not a child,” Lucia pointed out. “You talk about him like he’s a grade schooler wanting teacher’s attention. He’s a grown man and I didn’t see any stars in his eyes.”
“You didn’t look hard enough,” he scoffed but Lucia wasn’t falling for it.
“I thought he was Italian.”
“He is Italian.”
“He’s white Italian.”
“So?”
“So you think your mother doesn’t remember how you feel about blue eyes and blond hair? They make you stupid. My son can’t be bothered with other Cuban boys, he wants something fair and exotic,” she said pointedly while Rafael looked horrified. “What? I know these things. You think I’m headless and can’t see it for myself?”
“We’re not having this conversation.”
“What conversation? I’m just saying I notice things.”
“Notice other things.”
“Why?”
“Because my type, whatever that may be, is not something I want to discuss with my mother. And also because Carisi is… off-limits,” he settled on finally and then gave a small shake of his head like that wasn’t what he wanted to say but couldn’t think of anything better. “He’s Catholic and if he’s not closeted completely I’d be surprised, not that out and still religious would be any better. Beyond that, we work together. He’s a good man.”
“And what are you, a felon?”
“Not if they never catch me.”
“Rafael,” she admonished with a small slap on his arm that made him laugh. “But this good man is here for you? He’s watching you?”
“He’s part of my security detail, yes,” Rafael answered and transferred the mango pieces into a bowl while Lucia took an onion from its net bag and set to work on the cutting board next to him. “Both Olivia and Rollins have young children so he’s been kind enough to volunteer more of his time while Fin coordinates the uniforms.”
“That’s a fairly unimaginative way to say he wants to spend time with you,” Lucia observed and Rafael had already started shaking his head. “No, it is. The least he could have done is wait until someone didn’t want to hurt you.”
This made him laugh and after forty-five years, Lucia had yet to find a better sound in all the world.
If Rafael Barba was still capable of laughing, things would be okay.
It meant Rafael trusted his friends, his colleagues.
It meant he trusted the pretty white boy outside his door, whistling, because he was respectful enough to want Rafael to have an uninterrupted visit with his mother.
“It’s probably killing him, you know,” Rafael told her in a low voice.
“What is?”
“The man outside that door has probably never had a mother dislike him in all his thirty-five years and you just rush in and yell at him and banish him to the hallway,” her son said but there was a sparkle in his eye that told her he found it funny, too. “He’s probably questioning his entire life about now.”
“Well,” she sighed and set down the knife. “Go let him in.”
Rafael looked over at her, trying not to grin. “What was that?”
“Go let the Italian in the apartment,” she clarified. “If he’s going out of his way to keep my son safe then he has a seat at my table.”
“My table, Mami,” he reminded kindly but pressed a kiss to her temple all the same. She tried to pretend it didn’t warm her up from her polished toes. “And thank you.”
“Don’t thank me yet,” she warned, brow drown as Rafael walked to the front door. Looking relaxed, looking happy. Looking distinctly unworried about the man who had threatened to kill him. “He still has to spend a dinner with your mother.”
“He should be so lucky,” Rafael told her smugly, as though dinner with an old woman were a treat, and she was reminded once again at how lucky she was to have such a good boy.
“Flatterer,” she murmured and went back to dicing onion. The blade was heavy and all too familiar in her hand and cut through the vegetable’s flesh with hardly an ounce of pressure on her part. Lucia continued, “If he knows what’s good for him, he will be too.”
Merry Christmas @sommertagshimmelblau! I hope you like this! From your Secret Santa 🎅🏻It's been awesome getting to know you this month 💜
Sonny isn’t a reckless man. But he’s reckless in love. He falls too soon, moves too fast.
He knows this.
Over the years, he’s learned to keep it in during the early stages of relationships. He’s learned to keep on his guard, keep his mouth shut, take things far slower than seemed natural to him.
But Rafael… he’s different. He’s even more amazing than Sonny imagined.
Sonny’s feelings are too big, and his old tricks are no good. It’s dangerous, how quickly and surely he’s fallen for Rafael.
He wants to hold it back, he wants to. He knows he needs to. He doesn’t want to scare Rafael away.
Inevitably, he does.
Rafael breaks it off, concern etched on his face, without offering a real reason, and Sonny just takes it. He takes it, because he knows why.
This, Sonny, isn’t what Rafael wants after all, and Rafael doesn’t love him.
He knows why, and he can’t blame him, but it hurts, and two weeks later when Rafael contacts him for the first time since, it still hurts just as much.
He screwed up, he let himself screw up the one thing he knew he wouldn’t be able to recover from losing. Why did he have to be such a fool? Why couldn’t he keep himself detached if it would keep Rafael around?
Two weeks, and it’s only hurting more and more with each day.
-
Rafael is a mess. The two weeks since he broke it off with Sonny have been hell. He’s been waiting for the initial pain to wear off, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.
Seeing Sonny but not talking to him is pain. Seeing the haunted look on Sonny’s face, normally so full of life, is torture. And Sonny won’t even look at him.
This isn’t what he wanted.
What he wanted was for Sonny to go off and find someone who could give him- what? Just give him what Rafael couldn’t. Someone who could be the perfect life partner, as good as he knows Sonny is. Someone who isn’t as bland and pathetic as Rafael. What did Rafael ever think he could offer Sonny?
But… Sonny is miserable, and Rafael is too. Sonny had said he loved Rafael, and rather than say it back, Rafael had chosen to run. Rafael had been selfish, he had taken and taken from Sonny, he wanted Sonny more than anything, but he hadn’t thought about what he could give Sonny. He didn’t have anything to offer at all, he still doesn’t, but… Rafael- Rafael loved Sonny. He loves Sonny.
They were happy together, and they’re miserable apart. Rafael has to fix this. He screwed up.
Rafael brings up Sonny’s name on his phone, hovering.
R: Hey.
S: What is it, Rafael?
R: Are you busy?
S: Uh. Well I'm working? But no not really.
He doesn't expect Sonny to just drop everything. But he has to try.
R: Can you meet me now?
S: What, in the pouring rain?
Rafael knows he doesn't deserve it. He should go to Sonny. But he doesn't have the time. He knows he should make time. But he needs to talk to Sonny now. If he waits until he has time, it might be too late.
S: Alright. I have an umbrella.
R: Thank you, Sonny.
Sonny leans against the doorway, hands shoved deep inside his pockets.
"So?"
"Sonny. Thank you for coming."
Sonny shrugs.
Rafael steps towards him, eyes searching, and reaches up tentatively to tuck a wet strand of Sonny's hair back into place. He doesn't mean for the movement to make Sonny's lip quiver, but it does.
"Don't cry, Sonny."
"I'm- I'm not. Those are raindrops."
Rafael smiles sadly.
"Sonny..."
Sonny glares at Rafael’s bookcase. "Don’t stand there, looking at me like that. Just say it, Rafael.”
Rafael gives him a questioning look. "What?"
"Whatever you asked me here to say."
"Okay," Rafael says, nodding. "We should sit."
"Uh. I think I'll stand, if that's alright."
"But-"
"I'm wet."
"It's fine. Please, Sonny."
Sonny relents, following Rafael to sit beside him stiffly. He looks straight ahead.
"Sonny, please look at me."
Sonny turns reluctantly, meeting Rafael's eyes for a second before averting his gaze, as if the eye contact will set him on fire.
"I can't stand this," Rafael finds himself saying. He hadn't meant to.
"Oh, you can't?" Sonny can’t help but say.
Rafael swallows. "No, I can't stand us acting like strangers anymore, not when- not when-" he sighs, unable to find his words.
"When what?"
"Not when we used to be so- I mean, I wish we still were-"
"You chose this, Rafael." Sonny’s voice is so small.
"I-" He had. "I did. But I was wrong."
"Really." His crystal blue eyes are wide with disbelief.
"Really. I was so wrong. Sonny, I don't deserve anything you've given me, I don't deserve you meeting me here today, but I'd really like to try."
"Try what?"
"To try and deserve it. If you'll still have me."
"Have you?"
"Are you just going to repeat everything back to me as a question, or..." It was meant to come off as a sort of joke, but Rafael only sounds anxious.
"This is not exactly the most eloquent you've ever been, Counselor."
Rafael huffs. "You're right, Sonny."
"Huh. So I'm right... and you're wrong."
Rafael takes a steadying breath. “Yeah.” He reaches for Sonny’s hand. “I was wrong, Sonny. I’m sorry.”
“Really?”
Rafael nods. “I was wrong about it being better if we stopped seeing each other. It’s not.” Rafael looks at the floor in despair. “I said it would be a bad idea if we were to continue, but it isn’t. You’re not a bad idea. I am.”
“Rafael. What?” Sonny’s brow furrows in confusion.
“You’re too good for me, and I know how pathetic that sounds, but I am. I’m pathetic. I thought I could give you a better future by… not being in it. But none of this changes the fact that I love you, and I still think it’s selfish but I don’t want to spend another second without you.”
“You love me too?”
“Yes, I mean, if you still-”
He’s cut off first by a hand carefully cupping his cheek, then by soft lips crashing onto his. His heart aches at the intensity and is healed all the same. Rafael is weak, so weak, like a house of cards being toppled over, and still Sonny kisses him until he runs out of air and starts to see sparks behind his eyelids.
They part, gasping for air, but Sonny doesn’t go far.
“Rafael, of course I do,” Sonny breathes into the space between them. “I love you. I only thought that-” He sighs shakily. “I thought that you broke it off because you didn’t love me.”
“No,” Rafael says immediately, “and again, I’m sorry. I should have talked to you instead of just cutting you off like that.”
Sonny nods, far more understandingly than Rafael deserves.
“Well, we’re talking now,” he says softly, thumb tracing along Rafael’s jaw before he leans back in for a more gentle kiss.
Rafael is adrift in the feeling of Sonny and when they pull back he finds himself adrift in Sonny’s eyes. He had missed the way Sonny would look at him. He had missed Sonny so much.
“You forgive me?” Rafael asks uncertainly. “I hurt you.”
“You did,” Sonny says truthfully. “But I have a feeling you’ve beat yourself up enough for that.” He frowns thoughtfully. “Maybe we needed this. Maybe we needed to talk this out.”
“I- I’m a coward.”
“Still beating yourself up,” Sonny says with a bittersweet smile.
Rafael is still looking at him with wide eyes, full of guilt.
“I love you. I choose you. I want you to be my future,” Sonny whispers, soft and slow. He wraps his arms around Rafael and kisses his cheek tenderly.
Rafael holds Sonny tight, running his fingers through his hair. The work he had to get done doesn’t seem so important now, not with Sonny in his arms.
After a while, Sonny seems to remember the time himself, and reluctantly untangles himself from Rafael.
Rafael catches Sonny’s hand before he can move away any further. “Dinner tonight?” he asks timidly.
Sonny nods, smiling brightly.
The sight of it bowls Rafael over.
“Your smile…” Rafael murmurs, fixated. “I missed it. I took it away.”
Sonny shushes Rafael gently, his finger tracing a playful path along Rafael’s lips.
“You brought it back.” Sonny keeps smiling, the light reaching his eyes.
Rafael returns the smile, small and hopeful. He makes a silent promise to himself that he’ll only take away Sonny’s pain from now on, never again his smile.
Sonny swoops to give him a quick peck before moving to stand up, cheeks flushed slightly.
Rafael lets go of Sonny’s hand with a squeeze. “I’ll see you tonight, my love.”
Could you write something about barba having cravings?
One of the worst things of being pregnant is craving something but not knowing what.
Today is not one of these days.
It's cookies with M&M sprinkles.
It just is.
The ones that taste like they're underbaked.
It doesn't make sense, Rafael knows. He's craving salted caramel ice cream and lasagna with extra cheese every day. And he's forcing himself to have salad instead.
Or pancakes.
Jalapeño peppers with cheese dip.
Steak and mashed patatoes.
Pizza.
With extra cheese.
Yeah, this is why he has to have salad every chance he gets because Sonny is cooking for him all the time.
So why on earth it has to be the stupid cookies right now, there's no logic to it. But Rafael sits down on the couch with a box of cold milk and a pile of M&M cookies. And for a moment there, there's heaven.
Once, near Christmas, Rafael was choosing a couple of ties to go with the new suit that he had just been measured for. He saw a deep navy one with a pattern of small shapes in a lighter blue and his first thought was “this tie would match Sonny’s eyes”, he tried to dismiss the thought, because the fact that they had been spending more time together didn’t mean anything. He bought it anyways.
It took his almost two months two build up the nerve to actually give it to him. But the thing with Rafael is that, unless he needs it for a case, he never pays much attention to what date it is.
“What’s this?” Carisi asked amused when the prosecutor handed him the package.
“Just a little something, to thank you for your help this last months” Rafael tries to sound as nonchalant as possible.
“Wow... it is beautiful” he said admired as he carefully took out the tie. Rafael just nodded and went to pour himself a glass of scotch. “I’d say... it is a little unusual for a Valentine’s gift, but I really like it” Rafael almost chocked on his drink, but then Carisi, stalking to where Barba was standing, added “I haven’t got you anything... why don’t I buy your dinner instead?”
Barba swallowed and tried to figure out how he had got himself in this situation, but seeing that Carisi seemed rather fine with this outcome he thought he’d get exactly what he wanted.
“Why don’t you give me a kiss instead?” he asked putting down his tumbler “And then, I buy you dinner?”
