It’s okay to express your emotions (in a healthy way)
(Image description: POV you’re standing inside an old greenhouse, at the foot of a built-in pond. In front of you are very tall, glass-paned windows and columns and pillars with dark green climbing plants.)
Please, if you’re not interested in bodily functions, this is your warning now.
Mum is sleeping in the bed next to me and I am, as she says, typing furiously in the middle of the night. Do you remember when blogging was the big thing that people did? These days it’s videos and the algorithm and social media, but my memory is long and I’ve always loved to read.
I went to see a kinesiologist the other day, since my old friend and naturopath is currently out of town and I have a raging candida situation in my microbiome. You might say, ‘Oh babe, go see a doctor.’ Don’t worry! Not at all! I am seeing a doctor. I am in fact seeing many doctors. As I said, the situation is raging and it’s kind of turned into a rave-in-my-body for so many different medications. Put two and two together please love.
The kinesiology appointment was, for me, a useful experiment. She started off by explaining kinesiology and then telling me that she would not put her own opinions onto me during the session. Fascinating statement to make. She then, throughout the next 90 minutes, told me all about her life and what I ought to be feeling and thinking. A kind-of repackaged CBT for dummies mixed in with alternative new-aged salt therapy promotion and a ‘think yourself better’ attitude. You might be able to glean, absolutely not my cup of tea.
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(Image description: Interior. Unmade med with white and grey linens. Four pictures of birds hang above the bed, and there is a curtain to the left, presumably open.)
I am worthy of love and affection
Regardless of my personal feelings on the matter of positive psychology and toxic positivity (is the word ‘toxic’ is overused?), the fact remains that when you give compliments to a plant and say loving things to it, the plant flourishes.
“The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.”
--- Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap
There are so many useful quotes from Russ Harris’s books. I wish I had an expendable income so I could buy them all and re-read them over and again. I mean, overdone and corny? Yes. But useful? Also yes. And there’s nothing more I need in this life than useful philosophy. Or useful, plain-English psychological theory.
The kinesiologist was very into the affirmations. There are connections between the feet (both of mine are wanting at the moment), a feeling of being stuck, a feeling of lack of worth, and the overthinking. She had three or four affirmations, stacked on top of each other, that are relevant to my microbiome atm. None of this is new to me. And, nothing is in my control (not even my Mum’s snoring).
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(Image description: Close up of white and yellow flowers basking in the sun.)
Control and surrender
Acknowledge and appreciate [your] efforts, and give yourself a pat on the back for what you did right. This is absolutely essential for self-encouragement. It’s not enough to merely unhook from all our harsh criticisms and self-judgments; we need to actively appreciate our efforts, especially when we fail to achieve our goals.
--- Russ Harris, The Confidence Gap
Is control on a spectrum? Is surrender on a spectrum? If I were to use a binary system, would it be between control and surrender, or control and chaos (something similar)?
The rule of three not an exact constant in my life, but still strong enough to make an appearance at opportune moments. It’s times like these when my brain is asking these questions that I wish I knew more Descartes or that my ability to remember quotes from literature was not limited to Oscar Wilde and my recollections of Dublin’s parklands*.
Here are some things that I wish which may not be fulfilled, and so at this point remain futile: to sleep in my own room and turn on the light in the middle of the night; to sleep through the night; to manage my pain in a socially acceptable manner (impossible); to be listened to and heard; to understand what ‘an invitation’ looks like.
Part of me feels that all of this is brain nonsense and so, unworthy of attention. But truly the wisdom comes in speaking to myself and listening. Speaking, writing, listening, and letting be. Courage, empathy, compassion, acceptance, willingness and hope.
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*Thanks for reminding me of the inherent privilege of my existence
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