On Dealing with uncertainty and scars
Pain. Noun. Physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
From a vehicular accident on the early month of the year, to this kind of pain. I always thought I knew what it was until I was going through this phase of my life. I woke up one day with my heart feeling heavy than usual. Thought that maybe it was part of the “stuck-syndrome” caused by the Covid Quarantine. Just maybe. But as the days passed by, it felt heavier, I, myself could not explain. There were these sudden attacks if not headache, I feel the numbness of my body, feeling tired always, heart’s skipping a beat or beats faster than the normal ones.
That is when I knew that something was wrong. The physical pain I know, I am for sure I can describe with all my knowledge, is nothing with the pain that I feel emotionally. Sometimes it’s here, times that it goes away. I had three attacks that is more likely called panic attacks or even worse than that. Day by day, when I wished that what I feel gets better, it kept on getting worse.
Family is all worried, work is affected. I was a damsel in distress. The things that makes me happy no longer serves it’s purpose. I was getting tired of everything. It was like the things that I do are all routinary and I’m no longer in no purpose of anyone. I felt that social media sucks because everyone was happy except me. I didn’t want to listen to songs that I loved, anymore. I am hungry but not hungry enough to eat well. And if you know me, you know I’d eat my breakfast three times in the morning. This is just not me. I always find silence comforting. People scared me, the most.
And this is the first time, writing it, acknowledging the things that was constant to me the past days, trying to seek the freedom from pain of overthinking and anxiety. I almost feel that this isn’t me because happiness was no longer in my system. The back to back doctor’s check up didn’t work. No medicine did well on my body. My prayers were silenced, I tell myself.
Few hours ago, I woke up crying, not really knowing why. Went up to my cardiologist again to consult what’s really wrong. He himself have no definite answer. Went home wanting to cry again but for no reason. Have you ever felt this way? Because I wish you never did or you never will. I wish my friends, or a family member who’ll be able to read this will never experience the way I am going through right now.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it because I might breakdown. And I thought that it will just pass by. Maybe it went away for a while. But it really didn’t, leave. It came back for me, to scar me. And I don’t want anyone seeing me in that way. I was never ready to be seen weak.
And having to understand the reasons why I am in this season is maybe because I have been neglecting the pain I felt the past months, or even years. The pain of not being the number one, but only the second best “pag wala nay lain”. The pain of being having to be strong always because I had no one else but myself to go to. The pain of trying to impress every person that I loved because they might not stay if I don’t do well. And the pain of always having to the "hindi pinipili, dinadaanan lang."
And this is me now, all vulnerable and broken. Shattered. Weak. Sensitive. Lost. Uncertain of what tomorrow might bring. The girl who takes in dozes of medicine just to sleep soundly at night, just to keep her heart strong enough for the next day. The girl who’ll still smile even with tears from her eyes.
I just hope that people will always remember to be kind to others even on their words. Because you’ll never know the struggles of each person you are encountering to, everyday. You might not give them any damn, but you do for them.
And I hope it doesn’t stay this way. I pray that my tomorrows will be better than my yesterdays. I hope you will too. While I am battling with this pain, I am praying for everyone’s happiness too. Even in fear, I am still excited for the next days to come.
Beep me up. We got this.
Reminding myself of the verse; 1 Peter 5:7
“Cast all of your anxieties on Him because He cares for you.”