Love letters from nika

She's gonna forever say "I got this!" even with tears from her eyes.

[jncandido]

So This Is How It Feels Being Requited

Solace

n. comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness.

 In my previous writings, I always say that lucky are those who find true love at the right time, lucky are those people who aren’t victims of time and the playful twist and turns of fate. Funny how God answers our prayers when we least expect it. Even when we question things most of the time, even if we come to the point of asking if He ever hears our heart’s desire, and yes, friends, He does.

My kind of definition of love was sad. I used to define it as a heavy feeling. The kind that you cry yourself to sleep at night thinking that you aren’t the one for him. The kind of longing you feel every time you see him active on the social media sites but never have received any messages, yet. The kind of bittersweet feeling when you know you’re only his girl for convenience. The one he’d remember in times of trouble.

And then someone came along and made me realize that it doesn’t have to be that way. Because love should be kind, patient and should feel easy and not the other way around.

So, this is how it feels to be loved by someone unconditionally. It kind of feels new, awkward at first, having a lot of scary feelings, doubt, it just feels so weird, up to this moment, but I like how the butterflies of love make me feel. It’s like the blood vessels surrounding my stomach and intestines constrict, and the digestive muscles contract.

This is how it feels being so loved in return that I don’t remember the last time my heart has ever been broken. This is how it feels having to receive good morning and good night messages without feeling hesitant if my phone beeps again with the same message the next day. This is how it feels having to be with someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with you, despite the distance. This is how it is, not having to worry if he would be around the next day, because from the start, he made it so clear that he is committed into the relationship. And this is how it feels having someone even on your worst days that you would not want to talk to anyone.

Having someone to just be there, sit with you, watch you cry, laugh at your craziness, get mad at you at times for being careless, and someone that loves you every day in every way. I think that’s beautiful. That’s the kind of love that we all deserve. The kind that is more than you could ever imagine.

 My love,

I know that today is one of those that I don’t look so good, physically and emotionally. And I don’t want to talk to anyone. Maybe because of my hormones or the weather. But thank you for being my home. Thank you for making me feel all these roller coaster feelings. Thank you for being with me on my bad days and making me feel that I am still loved. Thank you for being brave and taking the risk with me. For showing up at times that I badly needed someone to be with, for taking me to the beach and enjoy the waves with me. Thank you for always making me laugh. Thank you for not making me feel that we are distance apart, because you’re always there. Thank you because in you, my love, I found my solace. In you, the chaotic heart of mine found peace. Thank you for everything that you could ever be. I love you.

 Love,

Nika.

[jncandido]

I hope you know that I don’t want you back this time

Ending. (noun) an end or final part of something, especially a period.

There was never an ending for things, only long pauses and, or twist and turns, that’s what I thought. But this love for you has come to a point where I wanted you to walk away like you always do, leave, without saying things, leave like it didn’t happen. I wanted you to go this time because if you won’t, I won’t ever love anyone anymore as I did you. And I don’t want it that way.

I believe that it was always summer with you, the freshness of the flowers, the bliss, that same feeling where you breathe in happiness. But the reality was that it has always been cold, a harsh heavy downpour of rain making me unbelievably sad all the time. It was drowning. And it was drowning me, silently. Maybe that’s why I never liked the rain in the first place. Because that was what I always felt with you. Like the way I felt last December, when you left, again. Cold, kind of harsh, and sad—for no absolute reason. Last Christmas, I was so sure I looked forward on spending it with you. It was like the song I always hear everywhere, “I was willing to give you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away.” That’s what you did. 

And now, done are the days that I kept thinking about myself being the convenient one, the reason why you keep on coming back. Because in fact, I have understood it fully that you didn’t really like me, you just liked the idea that I was always waiting for you to come back to me.

Today, as I write this letter, I realized that I wanted freedom from how I loved you. I wanted to love someone else, more than how I loved you, someone, even better. Someone who’d make me feel better. I needed to forget you. Because my heart is tired from running in circles, from the long pauses, from our twists and turns.

It was hard because you gave me something so ideal, so real that it’s too impossible not to fall for. You were like a drug, loving you has been so addictive the past years, that even if it hurts, I still love you, anyway. Because I thought, one day will come that we’d get tired of running in circles. I thought, one day, things will change, it will fall into its right places, and it will end up the way I prayed how it would be. I had always had that glimpse of hope that that day will come. Almost but not quite.

Maybe I was wrong. And the only thing that is right on my mind is that I always made you feel like you were too heavy for me, --- too little too much. Maybe, just maybe, that is the reason why we just almost had the chance but no one between us took the risk. Because you felt it, you felt it too-- that I was never ready for you.

They always say true love has a habit of coming back, only to lose them again. My love, I have lost you a hundred times before, in my thoughts, in my dreams and now I lost you again. And I hope you know that I don’t want you coming back anymore, this time, only for us to get our hopes high and still say goodbye.

I hope you know that I don’t want you back this time. 

[extramadness]

[jncandido]

Yes. Yes! Huhu. Pero nindot rpud nga makaingon ka sa iya nga, “You came just right in time.” AWWWW

[jncandido]

Took me an hour to write the realizations I had for almost 6 years.

While I sit in one of my favorite go-to places, the one that I always say I feel so homey, I kept myself busy  at the same time, while I listen to T-Swifts’ This is Me trying, I made certain realizations I have encountered in my thoughts a lot of doubting times but only acknowledged it at this point. My new normal includes things that changed my facts when everything was still so normal. And these includes the following:

1.       If a man really likes you, he will act upon it and tell you about it. There is no way a guy would send you mixed signals when he really wants to be with you.

2.       Do not be a girl for convenience. Just because you are that one call away girl, does not mean you have to be convenient for a guy, AT ANY TIME.

3.       That no women should ever feel she isn’t enough just because of a particular guy she encountered few years and has met her standards.

4.       No girl should ask a guy if she is ever worth it, or if she is worth staying. Because girl, you don’t have to ask these things. A guy who appreciates you would tell you that YOU ARE ENOUGH.

5.       It’s okay for a girl to miss a guy but no girl should stay stuck in the same place, waiting for a guy that she misses.

6.       It’s okay for a girl to ask questions for clarity, most especially if it gives her the peace she deserves when she sleeps at night.

7.       But it’s not okay to give chances over a guy that doesn’t settle. 

8.       If you kept on praying for a guy, and your prayer isn’t answered (for so long), then stop praying for it. It’s a good sign that he isn’t meant for you.

9.       Move on from what you are accustomed to. Your “usual” does not mean it’s forever. Things change. Adapt to that change.

10.   Say “it’s over” when it is only really over.

 So yes. Have a nice day y’all!

[like-fairy-tales]

By: Angelika

[jncandido]

On Dealing with uncertainty and scars

Pain. Noun. Physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.

From a vehicular accident on the early month of the year, to this kind of pain. I always thought I knew what it was until I was going through this phase of my life. I woke up one day with my heart feeling heavy than usual. Thought that maybe it was part of the “stuck-syndrome” caused by the Covid Quarantine. Just maybe. But as the days passed by, it felt heavier, I, myself could not explain. There were these sudden attacks if not headache, I feel the numbness of my body, feeling tired always, heart’s skipping a beat or beats faster than the normal ones.

That is when I knew that something was wrong. The physical pain I know, I am for sure I can describe with all my knowledge, is nothing with the pain that I feel emotionally. Sometimes it’s here, times that it goes away. I had three attacks that is more likely called panic attacks or even worse than that. Day by day, when I wished that what I feel gets better, it kept on getting worse.

Family is all worried, work is affected. I was a damsel in distress. The things that makes me happy no longer serves it’s purpose. I was getting tired of everything. It was like the things that I do are all routinary and I’m no longer in no purpose of anyone. I felt that social media sucks because everyone was happy except me. I didn’t want to listen to songs that I loved, anymore. I am hungry but not hungry enough to eat well. And if you know me, you know I’d eat my breakfast three times in the morning. This is just not me. I always find silence comforting. People scared me, the most.

And this is the first time, writing it, acknowledging the things that was constant to me the past days, trying to seek the freedom from pain of overthinking and anxiety. I almost feel that this isn’t me because happiness was no longer in my system. The back to back doctor’s check up didn’t work. No medicine did well on my body. My prayers were silenced, I tell myself.

Few hours ago, I woke up crying, not really knowing why. Went up to my cardiologist again to consult what’s really wrong. He himself have no definite answer. Went home wanting to cry again but for no reason. Have you ever felt this way? Because I wish you never did or you never will. I wish my friends, or a family member who’ll be able to read this will never experience the way I am going through right now.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it because I might breakdown. And I thought that it will just pass by. Maybe it went away for a while. But it really didn’t, leave. It came back for me, to scar me. And I don’t want anyone seeing me in that way. I was never ready to be seen weak.

And having to understand the reasons why I am in this season is maybe because I have been neglecting the pain I felt the past months, or even years. The pain of not being the number one, but only the second best “pag wala nay lain”. The pain of being having to be strong always because I had no one else but myself to go to. The pain of trying to impress every person that I loved because they might not stay if I don’t do well. And the pain of always having to the "hindi pinipili, dinadaanan lang."

And this is me now, all vulnerable and broken. Shattered. Weak. Sensitive. Lost. Uncertain of what tomorrow might bring. The girl who takes in dozes of medicine just to sleep soundly at night, just to keep her heart strong enough for the next day. The girl who’ll still smile even with tears from her eyes.

I just hope that people will always remember to be kind to others even on their words.  Because you’ll never know the struggles of each person you are encountering to, everyday. You might not give them any damn, but you do for them.

And I hope it doesn’t stay this way. I pray that my tomorrows will be better than my yesterdays. I hope you will too. While I am battling with this pain, I am praying for everyone’s happiness too. Even in fear, I am still excited for the next days to come.

Beep me up. We got this.  

Reminding myself of the verse; 1 Peter 5:7

“Cast all of your anxieties on Him because He cares for you.”

[teenagerposts]

Teacher: You can't write an essay overnight.

Exam: You have one hour to write an essay.

[extramadness]

[c3po]

sometimes u just can’t stand in kfc

[nicejewishguy]

fight the man

[daneathestoner]

Idk the story on this but remember invisible illnesses exist! Some people may look okay on the outside, but are actually in a lot of pain!

[c3po]

yea i was actually just really hungover

[jncandido]

Mindful Moment

Mindful Moment

[lovehigher]

[jncandido]

[jncandido]

Midnight thoughts.

[jncandido]

So I'm writing poems again.

[bookaddict24-7]

New Young Adult Releases Coming Out Today! (April 28th, 2020) ___

Have I missed any new Young Adult releases? Have you added any of these books to your TBR? Let me know! ___

New Standalones/First in a Series:

All Boys Aren’t Blue by George M. Johnson

Don’t Call the Wolf by Aleksandra Ross

Clique Bait by Ann Valett

Incendiary by Zoraida Cordova

A Breath Too Late by Rocky Callen

Hard Wired by Len Vlahos (This is the Kindle ED. Release Date.)

Seven Endless Forests by April Genevieve Tucholke

___

New Sequels: 

Palace of Silver (The Nissera Chronicles #3) by Hannah West

___

Happy reading!

[tabarakallah]

I think it’s beautiful when God saves you from something you wanted so badly

[jncandido]

THANK YOU LORD

[jncandido]

To the one I loved the hardest

Inertia. A tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged.

One of my biggest realizations in life came across during the Covid19 era, that there’s no such thing as constant because we live in a changing world. Today, day 24 of lockdown, everything reminded me of Inertia. In one of my physics class where we talked about Newton and his Laws of Motion, few months ago, inertia has made an impact in to each one of us including my students, because inertia has something to do with the resistance to change.

We all knew, that day, how change can be so scary. Because at some point in our lives, we were in a state of inertia, we resisted change. We lived by the constant. We are comforted by our usuals. And it is way scarier than how we all thought it would be.

The lockdown has taught me a lot, and it made me look back on the things or people that were all long silenced. That includes you, again. For the past years, my heart is in a state of inertia because it remained unchanged. I kept you in my heart. I resisted to the outside forces that I knew would take away all my feelings for you. The love-hate relationship between us was intact. And I became a constant. I am a girl that lived in a changing world, with an unchanging heart.

My heart was used to being in the middle. The phase where I can no longer feel happiness and pain in the same level. I left myself to where it is five years ago, naïve, sensitive and hopeful. Our messages remained on my phone that I was too scared to even re-read it or too coward to delete it. Your pictures are still here with me, the idea of us, remained untouched. You, my love, remained the person that I loved the hardest.

I remember, you never liked the idea of how fast the world is, that is why you taught me the art of being calm amidst the storm. You have embedded me the exact feeling of being at peace, despite saying and doing nothing. We cheered up on our silences. We held on to each other when we needed it most. You always let me feel like you were my home, and that in your silence, I can always find my comfort. You are my state of inertia, when it’s about you, it is unchanging. You have always given me the idea that if it do not feel right anymore, we can just close our eyes and breathe.

But I love you. Despite all of it. You are the wrong kind of right at that moment. The idea that I remained unchanged, changed me in the eyes of all the people who loved me.

This letter is for the one I loved the hardest,

I love you and I still do. Although, it’s not the kind of love we lived when we met, but you still have my heart. Even when you don’t hold my hand, even when you no longer look for me in places we used to be, even when you never put me first, even when you don’t go to the concerts we promised we’d go together, even when I am never part of your future plans, even when you don’t talk to me like how it is back then and even when I am no longer part of your happiness.

I have always hated the idea of rain, but today, I prayed for it. The idea of rain is a testament that I am no longer scared in the idea of you. I feel like something in between the sobs of heaven will give me the assurance of being safe, the reassurance of despite not having you, I will live.

(4/12/2020 11:30PM)

[jncandido]

This is probably going to be my 2nd to the last blog. I hope that through all of my articles, you have learned lessons. Huhu