18 + jaytim for the drabble ask? or any prompt you wish you were sent!
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Prompt: This is without a doubt the stupidest plan you’ve ever had. Of course I’m in.
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“Okay. Our target will be entering the theater with his date sometime between 5:28 and 5:42. Research indicates that he likes to be in the theater long enough to see all the previews, and his date likes to have time to acquire snacks. I’ve seen the movie three times already, so even though the tickets say the movie starts at 6, it’s actually going to start at 6:14, and lights will go down for previews at 5:55. We’re going to enter the theater at 5:54 — question?”
“What if I want popcorn?” Jason asks, lowering his hand back down into his lap.
Tim scoffs and rolls his eyes, turning his attention back to the map of the theater. “I’m not answering that—”
“—We’re going to sit through a two hour movie that you’ve already seen three times, I want snacks.”
Tim’s lips press into a thin line as he glares at Jason.
Jason raises an eyebrow at him, and the standoff continues as Tim assesses his opponent.
The air between them is so tense, it’s sort of surprising that a tumbleweed doesn’t blow right through the nest.
Tim breaks first, with a sigh and a roll of his eyes. “Fine, after a cost-benefit analysis in which the cost is adding time to buy snacks and the benefit is you not intentionally sabotaging our mission, I have determined it is in my best interest to add time for us to buy snacks.”
“The cost is also the actual snacks, you know,” Jason adds.
Tim very graciously decides not to throw his laser pointer at him.
“Focus up, Jason, this is a mission.”
Jason scoffs and kicks his feet up onto the coffee table, looking incredibly bored, but he nods at Tim and redirects his attention to the map of the theater.
“We will be entering the theater at 5:54. You’re going to laugh at something I say right as the lights are going down, so that I can shush you and draw the target’s attention. Then we’re going to find our seats, which are here—” Tim points the laser at a pair of seats two rows in front of the seat with a target drawn neatly on it, “—so that he sees us, but doesn’t have time to corner us. After we sit, you’ll put your arm around me — what is it now, Jason?” Tim sighs at Jason’s raised hand.
“Why don’t we just tell them we’re dating?”
Jason thinks he sees Tim’s eye twitch.
“Are you insane?”
“Are you? Look at this fucking plan, Tim.” Jason waves a hand at the map of the theater. “You saw the Barbie movie three times for this, and you’re going to see it a fourth.”
“This is Dick’s eleventh time seeing it.”
“He’s Dick.”
“Yeah, but it’s worth it! And I actually think you’ll really like it too, it has excellent commentary on—”
“—Not the point, baby,” Jason interrupts, shaking his head.
Tim scoffs, getting that tilt to his mouth that only comes out when he’s really irritated.
“So what, you wanted to sit them all down and tell them?”
“Ugh, no!” Jason huffs. “I figured we could just, like. I don’t know. Kiss after a briefing or something.”
Oh, Tim’s eye is definitely twitching.
“In the Batcave. Where we can be locked in?”
“Oh, fine, yeah. I see that, alright. After a mission, before the briefing, then?”
“So you want to be interrogated publicly.”
“We can run!” Jason scoffs.
“From Dick, Damian, Stephanie, Cass, Duke, Babs, and Bruce?”
“Well, Duke might not be there, we might have a chance if—”
“—Cass.”
In the following silence, Tim crosses his arms over his chest and raises an eyebrow at Jason.
“Fine. Fine!” Jason sighs, “Not that. One at a time, then?”
“You want to have the same conversation six times?”
“Why does everyone think I hate talking about feelings?”
“Because you do hate talking about feelings,” Tim says, looking slightly amused.
“I value my privacy, there’s a difference. Plus, in this family, you give an inch and they take a mile.”
“Fine. Let me walk you through what happens if we don’t do my plan.”
Oh, here we go, Jason thinks as he spots that one look in Tim’s eye that he gets whenever he’s setting a trap.
“Where do you suggest we start?”
“Oh god, Bruce last.”
“Fine, give me the order you would want to do it in.”
Jason tilts his head to the side for a second, before settling on: “Duke, Cass, Dick, Steph, Damian, Bruce.”
Tim opens his mouth, a glimmer in his eyes, and Jason adds, “Actually, switch Steph and Dick.”
If anything, that malicious look in his eyes only gets worse.
“Okay, fine. Starting with Duke is smart. Since he has the whole ghost vision thing, he probably already knows. He’ll have some questions, and he’ll probably tease us a little, but it shouldn’t be totally unbearable, right?”
Jason winces.
“Next, Cass. She definitely already knows, but she’s been waiting for us to tell her because either she’s being kind, or because she’s also waiting for the opportunity to tease us. But again, we can take getting teased by Cass.
“Now, switching Steph and Dick. Either way, we’ve already fallen into a trap, because Steph will be offended if we tell Dick first, and Dick will be offended if we tell Steph first, and either way, both of them will be offended that we told Duke and Cass before them. Steph already knows we were sleeping together—”
“—What?”
“Oh, yeah, I told her ages ago,” Tim says, swiping a hand through the air like he can just wave away Jason’s surprise. “So us dating probably won’t be news, strictly speaking. But she’s going to squeal and hug us and be excited and so happy for us—” he drops his voice back down from the higher pitched tone he’s been using to mock his best friend, “—until she finds out that we’ve been hiding it from her for three months, and then this is going to be an actual, physical fight.”
“No, it won’t,” Jason scoffs, kicking at the coffee table.
“Jason,” Tim says, crossing his arms over his chest. “She hit me in the face with a brick the day we met. She is going to punch you, and it is going to hurt.”
It wouldn’t hurt that much, Jason thinks. But he knows better than to try and stop Tim now that he’s really going, so he keeps his mouth shut and lets his head fall to rest on the back of the couch.
“Now, Dick. He’s going to be so emotional. He’s going to be so happy for us he could cry, and he might, and he’s also going to be indignant that we didn’t tell him first. And once he gets past that, he is going to have a thousand questions, some of which are going to be invasive and personal and deeply uncomfortable. And he’s not going to understand that they are invasive and personal and deeply uncomfortable! It’s going to be an interrogation, Jason. One where he asks us about our sex life.”
Jason refuses to wince at that. He does sigh, if only to voice his displeasure with everything about this situation.
Well. Everything except getting to date Tim.
That’s been pretty great.
“And if we ever escape Dick, then we’ll have Damian. He does care about us and he will find a way to shovel talk both of us, but he probably won’t care that we waited so long to tell him. He is definitely going to be mad that he was the last to know, though. Actually, no one is going to be happy about not being the first to know. But revisiting shovel talks, Bruce.”
“Hey, I’m actually dying to see the look on his face when he finds out,” Jason says, a malicious grin pulling across his face. “That vein in his forehead is going to pop out, it’ll be funny.”
“Oh?” Tim raises an eyebrow, stepping towards the coffee table. His palms press to the table as he leans down to look Jason in the eyes.
The whole thing would probably be as intimidating as he was going for to someone who hadn’t seen imprint of bedsheets pressed into the side of his face this morning as he tripped on the sheets getting out of bed.
But he’s a professional, so he carries on like Jason hasn’t noticed the intimidation isn’t working.
“It’ll be funny? It’ll be funny when Bruce handles it by telling us we need to break up because he doesn’t have any time to process what it means for us and not what it means for the mission?”
“He’s not going to do that, Tim.”
Tim narrows his eyes at Jason.
“Are you sure?”
Suddenly, Jason’s throat feels a little dry.
“Okay, fine,” he concedes. “B doesn’t always respond well to emotional situations under pressure. But he won’t demand we break up—”
“—No?” Tim interrupts. “Then what, we’ll get a lecture on how we’re endangering ourselves and each other and everyone else with our feelings?”
“We won’t—”
“Even if we don’t, you think Dick’s interrogation was going to be bad? That’ll be the warm-up for Bruce. He’ll take each of us into his office alone and ask a million questions, and if, if he approves, it’ll still be exhausting and uncomfortable and—”
“Okay, okay!” Jason stops him, putting his hands up in surrender. The motion makes that one look ripple through Tim’s eyes that he gets whenever he wins, the one that’s always a little bit of a turn on when it’s not Jason who’s lost. “You made your point. We’re not going to tell them all individually.”
“And you still want to tell them all together? You want to handle all of those reactions at once?”
“Not really,” Jason sighs.
“Okay. In that case, hear my plan out: We let Dick see us on a date. He starts to suspect that it’s a date, and he follows us. We get dinner after the movie and let him follow us, and then you take me home, and we let him see us kissing through the window. He won’t interrupt because then he would have to admit he was spying on us, and he won’t want to walk in on us, but that’s key, because it gives him time to process it. And because he’s a horrible gossip, he’s going to tell everyone for us. And he’s also going to tell everyone to keep it quiet and not say anything to us, because he doesn’t want us to know it came from him. And that is going to give everyone else time to process it. And eventually Dick is going to get sick of trying to subtly ask us questions and he’s just going to blurt out a question about whether or not we’re actually dating, and we’ll say yes, and then he’ll be so smug about having ‘figured it out’ that he won’t ask half of the questions he would have if we’d sprung it on him, and by then he’ll have figured out that he doesn’t actually want to know the answers to those questions.”
“One flaw in your plan.”
“No, there isn’t,” Tim scoffs.
“Everyone’s going to be mad we hid it for this long anyways.”
“But we did hide it for this long, so it’s a little too late to avoid that. And if anyone gets mad, we just tell them that we were worried that they weren’t going to accept us and that’s why we didn’t tell them, and then they’ll stop being mad because it won’t look good for them.”
“That’s kind of manipulative, Tim.”
Tim shrugs at him. “And? Look, are you in or not?”
“So, your plan is to let Dick see us on a date at the Barbie movie and then let him follow us home so he can see us kiss?”
“Yes. Weren’t you listening?”
Jason sighs and rubs his thumb and forefinger against his eyes. “This is the stupidest plan you’ve ever had—”
“—Hey!—”
“—but yes, I’m in.”
“That’s more like it. But for the record, it’s not stupid. It’s incredibly well thought out.” The little red dot of the laser pointer circles around the map of the theater, as if Tim’s proving his point.
“That’s what makes this so stupid, baby. This is way too much work. You saw that movie three times for this.”
“You’re going to want to see it again, too, Jason. I promise.”
“Wait, wait, one last question, though.”
Tim sighs, “Yes?”
“We are actually going to fuck after Dick sees us kiss, right?”
Jason ducks just in time to dodge the laser pointer soaring over his head as he cackles at Tim.
“You’re lucky I love you,” Tim scoffs, rolling his eyes.
The last of Jason’s laughter dies down as he fishes the laser pointer out from behind the couch and tosses it back to Tim.
“Every day, baby. Aw, don’t pout, come on. You can walk me through your plan again, if you want.”
“Fine. Now pay attention, and hold all your questions until the end, please.”
They make it about as far in to the plan as they did last time when Jason raises his hand again.
“Yes, Jason, what now?” Tim asks.
Jason smirks, mischievous and playful.
“What kind of snacks are we getting?”