Hi! Ok so basically, there’s this guy. I guess you could call him my hallway crush, to a certain extent. He’s a year older than me, so we’ve never talked before and I doubt he even knows who I am. He and my brother used to know each other a couple years back, and I have a friend who’s known him since elementary school (but they don’t really speak to each other) and who’s families are close. Other than that, I have no connections to him.
I’ve reached the point where an innocent crush has become something of an obsession with him, and it’s really bringing me down. It all started at the beginning of the summer when this group chat I was on started talking about him (he’s a hot shot at my school - you would be hard pressed to find a single person who doesn’t know his name), so I went and followed him on ig and he followed back within like five minutes. I creeped on his feed and discovered, yup, I can see why all the girls at my school are in love with him. It’s unfair how ridiculously attractive he is. I mean. Tall. Super athletic. Super smart. Perpetually ruffled hair. Boyish smile. Bruh.
Then over the summer I kinda forgot about it, but on the first day back to school I saw him in person for the first time ever - and that was it for me. I was a complete goner. After that, I started digging around and talking to ppl to see what they knew about him.
According to my brother, he’s a “cool dude.” According to my friend who is family friends with him, he’s always nice and polite when he talks to her at get togethers. According to two of my friends in the same grade as him and have actually had classes with him, he’s borderline cocky and a “tool,” though I’m not sure how my friend meant that. He’s a pretty controversial person, apparently.
On top of that, nobody knows if he’s ever dated anybody, and there are even rumours that he’s gay, in which case, according to one of my friends, I’d be “wasting my time” pursuing him.
I’ve been a complete creep the past month when it comes to him. It’s embarrassing. Like, I’ve rerouted my walk to one of my classes just to pass his locker with my friend, and sometimes just seeing him there instantly becomes a highlight of my day (ik how sad that sounds) bc our schedules never overlap. Every now and then I’ll see him around school by complete chance, and I’m always left grinning like an idiot bc wow thx universe for that random reminder that he exists. When my sport season was on, my team would be out on the field practicing at the same time that he’d be out there with the football team. And I was like??? Athletic ppl are so great?? I just love watching people who are so at home in their sport and all their actions are so fluid and graceful omg???? This guy is such an impressive athlete like wow.
I don’t know what I want from this. My friends want me to just talk to him, but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I like having this kinda side crush, just staying on the outside and not making any attempt to move in. Maybe I’m just scared that I’ll be completely turned off by him as a person. Maybe I’m scared that I’ll end up just falling even harder for him, and this time it’ll actually have meaning rather than just him being a pretty face in the hallway. That sounds so awful, I’m so sorry, but I mean I don’t know what I want to come out of this.
Of course I’m interested in getting to know him as a person. Of course I’m open to talking to him and whatever. But I guess I’m only human - I’m scared of rejection. Or not feeling anything. My teacher once told us a story of how she fell head over heels for a coworker, but once she actually got to know him there was just no spark. Idk.
I’m so sorry for how stereotypical this submission is! I’ve just been completely consumed by infatuation for this poor guy who has half the school thirsting after him, most of whom are complete strangers to him (myself included). Like, he’s close to celeb status at my school.These girls I know even asked to take a picture with him after a football game and it was the most uncomfortable thing I ever witnessed. It’s kind of absurd, the way people treat him. I don’t want to be another one of those people to him. Idk. I feel like if I ever got to know him, and if he ever got to know me, I just want it to mean something - for both of us.
Do you guys have any tips or advice? How to talk to him? How to get over it and move on with my life? How to deal, in general? Any pointers would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you so much for your time!!
Your feelings towards this guy are not creepy or anything of the sort, you are simply attracted to him, and it is further intensified as you have not yet had a chance to really get to know him. This can really play on your mind and he becomes almost somewhat mysterious to you - which is where the “obsession” element comes in. This is where the stage of a “crush” can escalate into feelings which takes over your life and thoughts, and you obsess over him because the intrigue allows your mind to create scenarios and ideas about him in order to fill the gap from what you actually don’t know about him. You begin to idolise them and think of them constantly as the case is, you want to know more.
I do agree that at this point you seem scared to put yourself out there just to protect yourself from rejection, and that’s okay and completely normal because sometimes you think the worst will happen in order to not be disappointed if it actually does happen - a way of “protecting” our feelings which is something we tend to do. You don’t want what you idolised of him and what you think he would be like, to not be true, and the possibility of everything that you built up in your head at this point about him to be wrong makes you scared (for example, not actually getting along with them that well or the spark to not be there). You have probably got comfortable in the way you feel also - as you said just to keep as a “side crush” because this takes you away from having to face the reality of the situation.
As scary as it will be (trust me I know!) I genuinely believe that it’s a good idea to just approach him and speak to him, even something as simple as “hey I’ve just noticed you around and I wanted to introduce myself”, or mention that you’ve heard about him through your brother/friend which knows him. You may be pleasantly surprised to see that he’ll actually respond to this and this becomes a starting point to having more conversations with him in future possibly. The hardest part is the literal approaching but once the first sentence is out, the rest can become easier based on how you get along with them, if you naturally click with someone, you will start to feel more comfortable and that in itself will be an indicator of if you will be interested in someone like him or not.
Unless you try to get to know him, you have no opportunity to find out where you stand. You’ll always fantasise him from a far as something really really great - but in actuality you may not even like him much past his looks. How will you know? You need to do your own digging to find out for yourself. If you find you’re not compatible, it can make it a whole deal easier for you to evaluate and be clearer on your own feelings, and vice versa if you are compatible. You may speak with him and down the line build a really good connection together, as friends or something more - then this can help you to decide if you want to continue spending time with him or not. Eitherway, you need to establish some kind of relationship with him to find out the true clarity of how you feel on whether you truly like him for his personality and the whole package, or just on a surface level for his looks and reputation.
My own biggest regret is that my own self doubt told me not to pursue someone I liked because I felt I wasn’t good enough and was scared we wouldn’t really get along, and now I still don’t know where I stand in that situation, it becomes a “what if” and I actually would have benefitted more to speak and get to know that person further - and the same applies here, the feeling of “what if” can be even worse than actually going there with someone, experiencing something whether it goes good or bad will allow you to take something you can learn about yourself or relationships, so nothing is wasted time for you. Don’t let the fear be strong enough to throw you off and stop you - you have to really tell yourself it’s going to be okay and you can do it, because it is and you can. Feel the fear and do it anyway, I promise you’ll be fine.
Hope it goes well and take care of yourself for me,
