Help?
When I was 15, I had a crush on a person so I asked them out. They were 14. The summer after I asked them out I turned 16. Whenever we rode the late bus home after atfer-school activities they would let me touch their boobs.Whenever they said “no” or “stop,” I would stop. Our relationship was not healthy, they would yse guilt and threats of suicide to keep me from arguing when they told me who I could and could not talk to, including teachers. They often told me how much they hated my body, but loved my mind. Or that if it wasnt for me, they would be dating X guy. They never asked permission to kiss me, and usually only did it to make a point in front of people; at one point even grabbing my delicate parts in front of a crowd of people in order to prove some weird point I’ve never been able to figure out. I bought them everything they asked for, even when it tapped out my meager savings, because if I ever didn’t they would threaten to kill themself. I even shelled out so we could both go to this hyper brainwashy religious camp that she loved. Once I was there, they told me that I wasnt really a member of the religion because my mother was a convert and not born in, and that people like me were “diluting the blood” which would eventually lead to the disappearance of the religion. When I finally got the balls to break up with them, they swore it was the biggest mistake I’d ever make, and that they would win me back. When I literally snorted, they switched to demanding that I continue to walk them to class every day and be their friend. I shrugged, and to this day I regret not telling them to just leave me alone. That very night, they were already holding hands with X guy who they told me I was keeping them from. It fucking hurt, but I told myself that maybe then I’d be free from them. It was not to be so. For the next year, they followed me EVEYWHERE, attacking me online for unfriending them on the website we used to hang out on, even creating fake accounts to keep trying to contact me to “be my friend” even when I said they hurt me and to please leave me alone. A year later, in my senior year when I was 17, they dropped the atom bomb on me. They wrote a poem to me about how terrible I had been and how much they’d missed me and how I just had to see the error of my ways and return to being their friend. They did not give me this poem privately. They read it in front of the entire school, publicly shaming me for breaking their heart and not being a big enough person to return to being their obedient lapdog. I stormed out of there the second I could, only to go home to yet another ghost account trying to contact me. Only after I deleted all my accounts and went far away to college did I escape my nightmare. I dated new people, and even fell in love again, and out again, then in again, graduated, and was asked to marry the love of my life. And since I can never not try to shoot myself in the foot, I decided that before marrying I would apologize to all my ex lovers for hurting them, and talking through it. In my religion, marriage is viewed as a cleansing union of souls, all past sins are wiped away so that 2 perfect souls can be joined before the lord. This went as well as expected, anyone I had a real connection with being willing to talk it out with me, and some even forgave me for my infractions that led to our breakups. And some just never responded, also within their rights. Until my dumb ass decides that since I’m not a perfect person, I should forgive the highschool ex and ask for forgiveness for not being perfect. I sent them a message apologizing for how I acted in the relationship and the breakup, only to have my apology rejected. They said that I never should have dated them to begin with because I molested them. That I was an inherently evil person for even trying to contact them to apologize, and that I deserved to be put on one of those pedophile lists. Are they right? Did I molest them? If I did, what can I ever do to make up for it?
Hello,
First of all, congratulations on getting engaged and finding someone you truly love. I’m sorry that you had to struggle through such hard times to get where you are now but I’m glad you’re doing okay.
From what you’re saying, you were in an incredibly unhealthy and abusive relationship. It doesn’t sound like you molested this person if you were asking permission and stopping when they told you to. It does, however, sound like this person molested you if they were grabbing you publicly without your consent. It sounds like you handled the breakup well and did a good job of creating healthy boundaries to keep yourself safe. Obviously I don’t know the whole situation but it sounds like you did everything you could to make her as happy as possible. Those are not the actions of an “inherently evil person”. Maybe it was a little bit of a questionable decision to reach out to this person again, but intentions matter. If you did it with the right intentions, to truly apologize, then there isn’t really anything wrong with it. If she chooses to not accept your apology, that’s her decision and you have to respect that. Honestly, I would suggest not talking to this person ever again. They seem to be really bad for you and by apologizing, you may have just opened the door back up for them to try and communicate with you. If you won’t be able to move past this, you can always send them a simple message that says “I’m sorry you feel that way” and then move on with your life.
I understand what you were trying to do and I think it’s important to heal your past before taking a big step, but now that you’ve done that, you need to let the past go and focus on your present and future. I wouldn’t worry too much about this other person. If you feel that you did something in that relationship that was inappropriate, you can apologize for that but don’t apologize for things you didn’t do.
-Livia