living with mental illness, apparently parts of a series
i have a terrible sleeping “schedule” for a multitude of reasons: - i’ve always slept a lot, ever since i was a child (in excess of 12 hours at a time) - “sleeping is like being dead without hurting your family” - i am equal parts terrified and safest at night - for the most part i don’t think i have a proper melatonin production; i never suffer from jet lag, even when i traveled 12 hours worth of time zones from my home
add that with my difficulties in taking my meds on time and some days i oversleep and have not taken my meds in too long of a period and waking up is like drowning
not drowning like how it really is (fear and panic and every muscle in your body screaming) but how people equate drowning
like a wall of something pushing down, pushing me under, even though i know waking is best, letting go, falling under is what’s easy
oversleeping means dreaming, vivid dreams that imprint dents and lines into my body and leave me sweaty and achy and more exhausted, but i let myself fall back into these dreams, every time
it feels like clawing myself back to consciousness, forcibly and angrily, even though it hurts to be awake, it’ll hurt more to postpone it
i hate it, or i hate being awake and remembering it