#beagain

[nolaholder]

#beginagain #loveagain #trustagain #beagain #takeabreath #relax #letgo #giveittogod (at Perdido Key Beach Florida) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChsaA5gpzWj/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[inthenameofthebody]

A letter to all the people who have witnessed me soften, to the people who have used me for my time/knowledge skills without so much as a thank you, and for those who continue to attempt to put their expectations of how I should exist in the world on me:

This week I am 35. I never thought I’d make it this far. You might be awkwardly laughing and I don’t expect you to understand the seriousness of this statement. I am also soon to be seven years sober and I am grateful to be alive. This year I am dedicated to presence, compassion, accountability, direct communication, and resonance. In a shit world, all I want are connections which are mutually beneficial and consensual. At the same time, I am a flawed human--- doing my best and endlessly failing. Trust that I am (and have been) dedicated to doing the grueling work to address my lived (and intergenerational) traumas. I am here to say it is possible to be kind and compassionate and also FUCK OFF when you are repeatedly not respected. 

This year and moving forward:

I am not here to live up to the expectations of others. How I fit into their lives. 

I am not your source of happiness nor do I want to be. 

I am not available for you - on call - or otherwise so you can feel free from all the horrible things you’ve said or done to me in the past. 

I’m not here to make ‘white women comfortable’ and I don’t owe an explanation to anyone who doesn't ask why my positionally might be different from a more “normative” experience.

Stop assuming my gender and definitely stop calling me “girl’’. 

My friendship is not for sale. 

I’m not interested in being flooded with compliments after you cross my boundaries. Or any time. 

I will not water down my cultural background so you feel at ease in my presence. 

I’m not interested in surface level friendships or heteronormative monogamy. 

My emotional energy is not for your endless consumption. I will not allow myself to be drained, exploited, or to be a part of another person’s narrative of how I should ‘be’. 

I will not apologize for needing or taking space. 

I will not allow anyone to psychologically manipulate me. I am well-versed in the tactics and behaviors of people who abuse & harm others. I will call you on gaslighting me. I will call you on guilt trips. I will call you on shaming. I will call you on projection. 

I will not be anyone other than me. 

I am smarter than I look. Read that again.

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Free yourself, 

m