Beck was definitely looking better than he did last week, mostly because of the ambrosia. Beck spent a lot of the week, having a few chill hangouts with Koda, and Hailey, even a couple dates with Kendall, mostly trying not to be alone and keep his mind off what he was feeling, what happened, and ignore the cravings for a drink to forget everything that happened even for a little bit. He had managed to go to a meeting three times that week. That’s where he was coming back from when he found Hailey rearranging the furniture. Harley came running to him to greet him at the door. “Hails? What are you doing?”
"What are you feeling for dinner? I think we still have some of those meal prep recipes in the fridge that are pretty good. Or we can always just order something and be lazy...but those tacos are honestly so good." She couldn't remember if Renee had ever tried them the last time the twins had made them, but knew her best friend would say something if she had. Walking down the hallway of the apartment complex, the two conversed about various dinner options until they reached the front door and Hailey was quick to call out when they stepped through the door way. "Beck, I'm back! Renee's with me!" She was met with silence, which was a bit strange, but her brother could just be distracted by something in his room. However, Harley was quick to charge her owner, barking and hopping at her legs in a loud, but typical greeting of the golden.
"Hello Harls, I missed you too." At the sound of her voice, Harley dropped back down and ran towards the kitchen, tail wagging and barking once again. Now that was definitely not a normal greeting from her pup. Eyebrows furrowing, she followed the dog, who only seemed to get more excited when she saw Hailey following her. "What's up, girl?" Turning the corner, she was met with the sight of Harley circling her food bowl, who started barking again when her owner didn't immediately move to feed her. But, there was no way Harley hadn't already eaten, that was always Beck's job since he got home before her. Double checking her phone, she made sure that she hadn't missed any calls or texts from her brother saying he was going to be home late and to feed the dog.
Suddenly, the silence that had meet her greeting earlier didn't sit right. "Beck?" She called out, louder then when she first walked in. Once again meet with silence, she looked over at Renee, now more annoyed then anything. "Can you knock on his door or something? I have to feed her apparently."
"No lie, I was feeling Thai food. Up until you mentioned those tacos." Renee hummed, remembering the last time she'd come by for dinner. They'd even been able to change up the recipe a bit to vegetarianize some for her. "That recipe did. Not. Disappoint. I'm officially changing my vote to tacos." When the door opened and Hailey's high-energy pup came barreling towards them, Renee crouched down. "Hey cutie."
She looked up as the pup dashed after Hailey and raised an eyebrow. Beck forgot to feed Harley? Odd. "On it," Renee left the kitchen and walked down the hall. After rapping on Beck's door and being met with silence, she returned to the kitchen. "No answer. Maybe he's out running errands and forgot to text? Or he could be with Ko, I can text her."
Placing the food bowl down on the floor, Harley jumped into it like she hadn’t eaten in weeks. Typical. “Sorry girl.” Standing up again, Hailey walked into the hallway to meet Renee, already digging her phone out of her pocket. “Hang on, let me call this idiot first, I don’t wanna bug Ko if we don’t have to.”
Her annoyance was only deepened when her call was ignored and sent to voicemail. “What the fuck, his phone is off.” Sighing, she pulled up a new contact and put it on speaker this time. “I’m calling Ko.”
Her phone rang just as she was rinsing off her last paintbrush. Koda set it to the side to dry, shook water off her hands, and reached across the counter for her phone. "Hailey!" She answered brightly, situating her phone between her ear and shoulder to free up her hands. "What's up? Wanna come by for dinner? I was about to text our groupchat!"
There was nothing off the bat that directly gave away if Beck was there or not - though with Koda, that wasn’t always the case anyway. “Hey, Ko. Renee and I were talking about making this taco kit I have but I actually have a question for you.” Dropping her phone down into the counter, she slid onto one of their breakfast nook chairs. “Is Beck with you or have you heard from him at all? He’s not picking up his phone and I don’t even think he’s been home cause Harley never got her dinner.”
If not for the seriousness that seeped from Hailey’s tone, Koda would have remarked on how amazing tacos sounded. She checked her texts, making sure she hadn’t missed anything from her friend. Nothing— in fact, a text she’d sent Beck that morning was still unanswered. That wasn’t too distressing but coupled with this information from Hailey…well, Koda could see why she’d be worried. “Huh, no he’s not here. And he never texted me back earlier when I asked if he had weekend plans.” She was already moving towards the front door, grabbing her bag and slipping on shoes. “I’m on my way over. I can try calling him? And check out his usual spots. Give me fifteen minutes.”
Now something didn’t feel right. Sure, Beck forgot to text her occasionally - but she or Koda were always able to get an answer from him at some point throughout the day. “Okay.” Her brain when to other reasons he could be late and latched onto it before she descended into a panic that not even be necessary . “Yeah, see if you can get him. I’m gonna call his job - he might’ve just gotten distracted with work or something.”
The promised fifteen minutes had passed and Koda had arrived at the apartment, looking a bit disheveled and out of breath. She'd jogged the last block and after kicking off her shoes, she sagged onto the couch. "Okay, he wasn't at the forges or the arena. Did you call Cleo? I don't have her number but I know sometimes they hang out."
Renee was sitting next to Hailey, a now-calm Harley sitting between them with her head in Renee's lap. She pet the pup's head gently. A crease formed between her brows as she glanced at Hailey. "You said he wasn't at work right, Hails?"
Over the last fifteen minutes, Hailey had resorted to pacing the living room and had almost bitten her thumb nail off by the time Renee had pulled her onto the couch next to her. Hearing the door, her head snapped up and her shoulders sagged slightly when she saw Koda walk in alone. “No, I don’t have her number anymore. But apparently, he just left work like, half an hour ago. It’s possible I bothered you for nothing…I don’t know, I’m giving him 45 minutes before I freak out.”
Koda nodded slowly. "I can get her number from Jesse if you want? Might as well chase that lead," she offered, already pulling out her phone to text her brother.
Renee stood up, careful not to disturb the dog. "How about I get started on those tacos? You might be more worried than hungry now but, trust me, food'll help." Looking to Hailey, she attempted a reassuring smile. "We'll hear something soon." At least, she hoped they would.
Eventually, 45 minutes had turned into 8 hours and it was the longest, yet shortest time of Hailey’s life. Every idea that had popped into her brain had led to a dead end, leaving her mind to wander to potential situations her twin had somehow gotten into and panic. She had seemed to go through every emotion possible in the last few hours, with only Koda and Renee keeping her from spiraling off a deep end and marching down to the big house to wake up Chiron.
Her friends had helped her set their living room into a makeshift sleepover space. Their couch had been pulled out into a bed and bowls of candy and other snacks laying around as the television drowned on in the background. They had been trying - with no avail, to get Hailey to eat since the tacos were finished, but she was simply too nervous to stomach anything right now. Curling further into Renee’s side, she tried to push the almost nauseous feeling out of her stomach as her eyes flickered from the phone to the front door for the hundredth time. The panic that had settled into her stomach reminded her too much of the night of Beck’s crash and it was a feeling she definitely didn’t miss.
Koda was tucking into Renee's other side, dozing lightly as Renee had her arm around Hailey. She did her best to comfort her friend, knowing that Hailey was in an impossible position. Her eyes found the glowing face of her watch and she let out a low grown. It was so late— or so early, depending on how you looked at it.
And then, there was a sound.
Someone was knocking. Koda sat bolt upright, startling Renee, who shook Hailey's shoulder. "Someone's at the door," she said, tired and dumbfounded.
Beck wasn't sure what time it was. 4 in the morning maybe? It had to be sometime around there by the time he made it back to New Athens. The streets were quiet and dark, and Beck was cold. He could feel a bruise starting to form on the swelling on the side of his face where he was punched. It was terrifying, waking up in an unknown hospital, with no way to call home. Even more terrifying remembering the bits and pieces of the event that had unfolded that night that landed him in the hospital. They took most of his things, from his phone, to his keys, his hand was gripped around the only thing valuable he managed to keep safe. It was the thing that in turn hurt him in the end. Hailey would kill him if he lost it. He couldn't seem to lose his grip on it even after he woke up.
He left the hospital against advisement, but he had to get home to his sister, no he wanted to get home. Besides, no mortal hospital had ambrosia that would be the best thing for him at the moment. He wanted to just go into his bed, curl up, and sleep away everything. There was also parts of him that wanted to have a drink. If he just got drunk, it would all go away, he could forget it, but he knew that he couldn't just have one, he would need to do it again and again to keep it buried. That and he promised Hailey.
Hailey.
He knew she had to be freaking out, he knew that she was probably scouring bars to make sure he wasn't passed out somewhere in one. He looked like how he used to, especially after he'd get into fights and come home late at night. How was he supposed to explain to her that wasn't the case? He could barely wrap his own head around the events that unfolded the night before. It all felt so fast, too fast. When he made it to the apartment, he knocked on the door, knowing he didn't have his keys with him. What muggers would do with keys, he didn't question. He just hoped Hailey was home.
The sounds of the television and her friends even breathing seemed to be lulling Hailey into a sense of exhaustion - though it might also have something to do with the very long day finally catching up with her. Renee's hand continuing its gentle rhythm on her arm certainly didn't help, only dragging her closer and closer to the realm of sleep.
At least, until there was a knock at the door and everything around her exploded. Harley started freaking out and barking as she raced to the door, not use to motion at this time, then Koda bolted, which caused a chain reaction down their cuddle puddle until Hailey was up on her feet and racing to the door. Her heart was pounding in her ears and for a very brief moment she was fifteen again, and the knocking at their door late into the night wasn't a happy greeting. Her hand shook at the thought before it grasped the doorknob and pulled it open. The sight of her brother at the door almost made Hailey drop to her knees in relief, though she had to grip the doorframe to keep her upright. "Beck." She choked out, not realizing she was already crying as she pulled him into a strong hug. "Thank gods. Where the fuck have you been?!"
Beck let out an unintentional small yelp in pain when Hailey hugged him. "Hailey, please," he said, to have her stop hugging him. "It's a long story," he said, signaling that something had happened. "I'm sober though, I swear to Gods I'm sober, Hails," he said, hoping that she wouldn't think he was drunk. "I kind of wish I wasn't right now, though," he admitted.
Koda was still standing by the couch, her features shifting rapidly in her worry. When Hailey pulled Beck into a hug, Koda let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. Her friend was safe, for the most part, though he looked a little worse for wear.
Renee stepped forward, slipping her hand into Koda's and giving it a tight squeeze. She was still bit shocked at Beck's appearance— shocked and relieved. "What happened? Should I get ambrosia?" The question was pointless as she was already moving to find her bag, producing a small container of ambrosia squares that she kept for emergencies. If this wasn't an emergency, Renee didn't know what would be.
It took Hailey's brain a bit to process what everyone was saying before pulling back just enough to look over Beck's appearance. His promise sounded genuine, but she was quick to check for herself as she looked into his eyes. She was meet with his eyes clear and alert, which was enough to convince her that he was telling the truth. Though she was soon after quick to realize why Renee was talking about Ambrosia and she was quick to pull Harley down before she tackled Beck to the floor to let him walk inside. "Holy fuck, what happened?" Heart still racing, she closed the door behind him as soon as she was able to, leading him to sit down on the couch-turned-bed. "Ren, don't use up your stash, we have some. Kitchen pantry, top left drawer."
Beck sat down, wincing as he did, instantly leaning into his twin for comfort. He shrugged. "I just, it happened so fast," he said, not being very specific. "I didn't even have time to really react. They took pretty much everything I had on me. I managed to save this," he said, handing Hailey their dad's lucky coin, his hand finally not gripping it anymore felt weird to him. "I uh, some guy called 9-1-1 before I passed out. Woke up about an hour ago, I would've called, but I wanted to just get out of there."
Renee nodded, her practical side taking over. As she passed Hailey on her way to the kitchen, she gave her arm a squeeze. A moment later, she reappeared, having retrieved what they needed from the pantry. Sitting down opposite the twins, to give them space, Renee unwrapped the container of ambrosia. Her fingers hovered over the squares. "How much..." She cleared her throat, tried again. "How much do you need? I don't really know."
Through it all, Koda was hovering to the side, not wanting to interrupt. She had busied herself with corralling Harley, who knew something was going on but didn't understand what. She watched Renee freeze, her hand still above the ambrosia and that was what finally unrooted her from her place. "Here, let me." Koda broke off a piece and held it out for Hailey to accept, not wanting Beck to move more than he needed to. "Where did this happen? In town?"
At the same time, Renee asked, "Did you get a look at any of them? Their faces? Anything?"
Instantly, Hailey's arm wrapped around him to let him sink further into her side. Her eyes watched his every move, taking in all the bruises, cuts and reactions to all the ones she couldn't see. Blood rushed through her ears, leaving everyone's voices sounding muted and as if she was listening from under the lake. Every bone in her body wanted to march out of here, hunt down the monsters that did this to her brother and make them pay. She hadn't realized she was shaking - though she was unsure if it was out of fury, panic, or both, until something was pressed into her hand. The coin that now laid in her hand made her heart clench and a small sob to burst out of her mouth before she could pull it back.
Koda appearing in her line of sight forced her back above water and she rushed to tuck the coin safely into her pocket before reaching for the offered ambrosia. Almost stiffly, she held it up to Beck's mouth. "Eat it." She demanded, though her voice was weak and full of emotion. "What do you need?"
Beck did as he was instructed from Hailey, taking the ambrosia, waiting for it to help. "I don't, I don't really know," he said, shaking his head slightly. "No, no, it wasn't in New Athens. It was near work." He felt like he was shaking, but mostly he felt numb. "I had a friend pick me up from the hospital and drive me toward the border."
He looked up at Hailey when she let out a sob, and he wanted to tell her to please not cry, but he couldn't do it. Their words felt so far away, that Beck wasn't sure how to respond. "Honestly? I need a drink, but I know that's not going to happen. I don't know." He paused slightly before adding, "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to worry you guys." He wasn't fully sure why had was apologizing, he just felt like he needed to.
Koda sat on the couch, wanting to fold herself into Renee's side, but instead perching at the edge. Her leg was bouncing up and down, she was filled with worry. "Why are you apologizing? It's okay," she said, even though, in ways it wasn't. But it would be, and her words carried that sentiment. As did the reassuring smile she did her best to show. "I'm glad you made it back."
Renee's expression softened as she watched Hailey with her brother. She knew how hard the past few hours had been for her best friend, and she could guess most of the thoughts that had been doing laps around Hailey's head. And then Beck was apologizing and Renee was shaking her head. "Do you two want space?"
Every time Hailey opened her mouth to speak, Koda had already spoken the exact words that were in her brain. So she sat in silence, letting her friends handle the talking so that she could focus on the fact that Beck was here, he was - mostly, okay and by her side. Those facts circled around in her brain, almost echoing throughout her skull before Renee spoke. Her best friends voice pulled her out of herself and her eyes turned to focus on Renee and Koda, blinking a few times as she caught up with everything happening around her.
"Shit." She breathed out, eyes flashing between the clock and the exhausted faces of her friends. "Gods, I'm so sorry guys, go get some sleep." She didn't really want to leave Beck's side, but she did long enough to swear up and down that yes, she was fine, and that she would message Renee in the morning. With one quick, grateful hug, and a promise to text when they got back to their place, she let the two girls out of the apartment. As much as she wanted to rush back to her brother's side, she forced herself to walk into the kitchen long enough to get him a glass of water - the best drink she was willing to give him at this point, before finally returning back to the couch. Pressing the water into his hands, she dropped down heavily, but suddenly unsure of what to say in the silence that fell upon them.
Beck hated the silence that fell after Renee and Koda left. It felt like hours rather than minutes till Hailey got back to the couch, shoving water into his hands. It was that moment that Beckett let the dam break, tears flowing down his face, causing his current headache to grow. "Can you get me an ice pack or a bag of peas or something?" he asked, through a gasp of air after his slight cries.
Seeing the tears streaming down Beck's face weirdly came as a shock to Hailey, though she wasn't exactly sure what she was expecting. She felt panic take over her body for a minute, torn between doing as he requested and ignoring him to pull him into her arms where he was safe. Feeling helpless, she just watched with wide eyes for a moment before the pain laced in his eyes registered in her brain and kicked her into action. Nodding, she raced into the kitchen, quickly returning with a bag wrapped in one of their dish towels.
There was no hesitation in her now, focusing on taking care of her twin over everything else. Facing Beck, she gently placed the bag on one of his larger bruises before inching closer to him and resting her head against his arm, her own tears now welling in her eyes. "It's okay, Beck. I'm here, you're okay."
Beck winced when he felt the cold touch his bruise. Beck let out a shaky breath. “I’m always scaring you,” he stated. “I’m sorry.” He hated this, seeing Hailey scared made him feel so powerless and he hated that. This wasn’t his fault, but part of him felt like there was something he could’ve done, anything. Something so that he didn’t have to see his sister like this.
His apologies were met with a shake of her head and a mumbled "Don't you dare be sorry." mumbled into arm. Deja vu washed over her, making her feel like she's been here before, feeling this same devastated relief as she inched closer to her twin. She didn't have the strength to speak more, letting herself get washed away in the emotions welling inside her instead. Making sure not to hurt him, she shifted so that he was in her arms, and her head pressed into his shoulder as much as she was willing to without causing him pain. All she wanted was for him to feel safe, too let it out instead of keeping it inside like the last time they ended up here and she prayed that was able to give him some relief.
Beckett wasn’t entirely sure why he had been so anxious that day. It may have been because of Koda’s talks about dating apps and everything. Which he was fine with, at least he thought he was fine. Beck needed to do something, take a run, walk the dog, something that involved his brain from obsessing over what he couldn’t figure out. If he didn’t do something, Beck had the tendency to just shut down.
Next thing he knew, he was looking for Harley’s leash. He heard Hailey walk through the door, and he turned to look at her. “Am I going crazy? I cannot find Harley’s leash anywhere,” he said, first thing, hoping that Hailey didn’t pick up on the anxiety that seeped from him. “Do you know where it is?”
"I have a day off, what do you want to do today? Want to head to the arena? It’s been a while since we’ve really been there. You can probably kick my ass at this point,” Beck asked, sitting next to Hailey on the couch. ( @imitheous )
will you be my breath through the deep, deep water? / beckett & hailey.
date: early april 2018
summary: beck’s addiction takes a toll on the twins.
trigger warning: car accident, drunk driving, addiction
Beck wasn’t that sore, but he knew that he would feel everything tomorrow morning. Beck was pouting when the police made him take a breathalyzer, but did it anyway, knowing if he denied it, he’d get arrested anyway. Beck was slightly relieved when it came out just below the legal limit. Though he was nervous at how Hailey would react as her car was wrapped around a light pole, possibly totaled. The paramedics were checking him out now as he sat in the ambulance as they did so. He was mostly fine, probably from sheer luck, except for a nice seatbelt burn, a forming bruise on the same collarbone he busted going through a glass table when he was eighteen and wasted, and a cut on the side of his temple. The cut was what they were checking out mostly, to see if he needed to go to the hospital because of it or not.
Beck felt numb, and he was sobering up pretty quickly from the adrenaline rush that he was feeling after the crash. He hated the sobering part, he always felt so hit with numbness than intense emotion and he wasn’t sure which part of that was worse. Beck watched as a car pulled up, and he knew instantly the police had called his twin. It was her car wrapped around that light pole anyway.
Hailey had started feeling numb when the unknown number first called her. It seemed lucky that the call had come just as she walked into the locker room to change after her late night tai-chi class, but now that she was sitting in the car her co-worker was a saint to lend her, she wasn't really able to feel anything at all. The police hadn't given her too many details, since they still needed to verify her identity when she arrived on the scene, but had laid out the basics. There was crash that involved her car. Instantly, her brain went to her tossing her keys to Beck before leaving for her class, and the panic was just barely able to be contained under her skin as she struggled not to press the gas down harder, praying that her brother was safe.
It felt like a year, but eventually Hailey arrived at the scene of the crash. Almost instantly, the sight of her car wrapped around the pole made her want to vomit, though she assumed that was mainly the stress taking over. Her attempts at locating Beck were delayed as she was stopped by two cops, checking her ID and making sure her information checked out before allowing her under the tape. The first place her eyes darted to was the ambulance, praying that she wouldn't see Beckett laying on a stretcher, and she let out a sob when she saw him sitting instead. "Beck!" Her feet moved faster then her head, and before she knew it, she was throwing her arms around her twins neck and pulling him into her arms. At first, all that came out of her mouth was quiet "Thank you"'s towards the gods for keeping him safe, before she pulled back and cradled his face in her hands. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
Beck definitely smelled like alcohol, it was either from just himself or maybe it was from someone who spilled some of their drink on him, he wasn’t entirely sure. A lot happened that night, he was sure that he was okay to drive. Beck made a face when she cradled his face in her arms. “Hailey, it’s okay, l’m okay,” he insisted. The paramedics cleared him to go, telling him he was lucky to not have a broken nose from the airbags and they wanted to know if he would want to go to the hospital to make sure. Which in return he denied. He knew that he had some ambrosia at home that would make him feel better than anything the hospital would give him. “I’m sorry about your car,” he said. Beck’s eyes flashed over from Hailey to the car, his face flooding with fear, only for a second. It was weird, it was like he knew he had been in there, but at the same time felt like he hadn’t, like it was someone else.
Not caring about the face he made, Hailey kept her hands where they were, doing her own inspection of his face despite the paramedics having already done the same thing. There was a slightly glazed look in his eyes that was clearing up, but that mixed with the smell of booze didn’t make it difficult to figure out what had happened. He was drunk. Of course he was.
Hailey could feel herself deflating as it processed in her brain and her hands slipped off of Beck’s face, her arms now moving to wrap around her torso, as if she needed help to support herself. “I don’t give a shit about the car, Beck.” She responded, stepping back as the paramedics moved back in to clear him. Her eyes moved once again to the car in question, wincing at how bad the damage was. It was definitely totaled. “Thank god for car insurance.” She mumbled, letting out an exhausted sigh before moving towards the wreck. Her feet felt like they weighed a ton each, but forced herself to keep going to see what she could salvage from the wreck.
It was like in sync, Beck shut down the minute Hailey deflated. He wanted to scream to her that he was scared, that he thought he was okay, to talk to him, say something to make him feel less alone, but no words came out. It was like a part of him was stopping him from stepping over that edge. That part would open the flood gates and he wasn’t sure if he could handle that, no he knew that he couldn’t handle that. “Hailey, I...” he started but trailed off. Then it was too late as she walked over to her car. Beck signed some papers, was granted a ticket from the police officer, and he followed his sister. He watched as the tow truck pulled up, and there was a glaze in his eyes, not from being impaired, but as he separated his emotions from himself. Hailey deflated and he needed to be okay, he already caused her enough pain tonight. “Hailey, the tow truck’s here,” he said.
It was a bit difficult to get the door open, but a few good tugs later and the metal bent in her favor, allowing Hailey access to her backseat. Crawling up and over the center console, she immediately reached for the keychain hanging from her rear view mirror - the same one that used to hang in their dad’s truck when they were younger, as well as the guardian angel pin their grandmother had given them before they were taken away from them. A few more minor things, most of them Hailey wasn’t even fully aware of grabbing since it all just felt like an out of body experience.
Beck speaking pulled her back to herself and she glanced up at her brother before nodding and crawling back over the console. Looking back over where her rear windshield used to be she knew there was no chance of getting the trunk open and mentally made a note of having to get a new set of jumper cables at some point. She took another second to rest her head on the backseat, forcing back the tears threatening to explode out of her, before stepping out of her car, arms full of her salvaged belongings. “You can get in the car if you want, I left it unlocked. I’m gonna make sure they don’t need anything else from us.”
Beck nodded at Hailey, getting into the passenger seat of her co-worker’s car. Beck leaned his head against his hand, against the car window. He watched as Hailey approached the car, a frown on his face knowing that he was the reason she looked so upset. He wished it was anything but that, he wanted her to scream at him, something. He deserved it after all, he had probably deserved it for a while. The silence was deafening. When she opened the door, “Hailey, please say something,” he said.
The tow truck driver was nice enough to give Hailey a plastic bag for her small collection, which was now dangling from her arm as she walked back to the car. She had been assured that they would get the report into her insurance company and hopefully some good news on getting a rental sooner rather than later. She took one more glance at the car she knew she was never going to see again, let out another sigh, then popped open the driver's side door and climbed.
Picking up on the tension between the two of them, Hailey said nothing as she started up the car, not sure what she was even suppose to say in a situation like this. Just as she was about to put the car into drive, Beck had to request her voice. Her hands clenched on the wheel, and she kept her eyes anywhere but focused on her brother. "Please, don't." Her voice was small - something that she had always resented, because she was anything but meak. But, she felt like there a weight pressing down on her body and she just wanted to get home and sob into a pillow for the rest of the night, rather then here in the car. "I just wanna go home, okay?"
Beck obeyed, knowing immediately not to push, not now. He looked out the window, watching the horizon as they drove home. He hated the tension in the car, he hated what he done, and there were so many pieces of his brain that were struggling to put themselves together. Inside his head, all the emotions were starting to hit him, he was stoic on the outside, but on the inside it was like he was screaming, his mind was racing. He was exhausted, physically and mentally.
The twins didn’t talk as they entered the threshold of their college apartment. He wondering if MIT would here about his ticket that day. He hoped Tyche would be on his side that night, though it seemed that she already had been. Beck stood, waiting for Hailey to say something when they got home, following her with his eyes. He didn’t dare speak again yet.
The longer the drive went on, the heavier the tension felt. Hailey knew that she had to say something, but she just couldn't find the words, so the drive was spent in silence instead. She couldn't quite remember the time between them leaving the scene of the crash and parking in front of their apartment, yet Hailey found herself shutting the front door and leaning her entire body weight against it, deflating once again. She covered her face with her hands, mentally and physically drained just like her twin.
"Please stop staring at me." Most of the drive must have been spent trying to get herself put back together, as her voice was stronger once again. Her hands fell away from her face as she looked over at Beck, hoping he couldn't see that her eyes were still glassy. "What exactly do you want me to say?"
Beck leant against the wall across from the door. “I don’t know,” he told her, making a shrug gesture with his arms. “Anything. Cry, scream at me, anything. I just totaled the car like an idiot, and you’re not even calling me an idiot.” Beck sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, his head down. Beck could hear his heart beat in his ears. He felt sick. “Gods Hailey, I want you to be mad at me. I fucking deserve it.” He looked back at her with his own eyes, glassy. He sunk down the wall, before settling on the floor. Beck was unsteady, he was shaking, still trying to hold back everything he was feeling. God, he just wanted another drink. He wanted these emotions to go away, to get buried instead of them burying him. The anxiety finally was catching up to him after spending years of trying to avoid it. “Gods know if I could, I’d scream at myself. Hailey, I want you to tell my what you’re thinking.” Beck hated that he couldn’t read his sister’s face like usual. It was like everything that he had been doing lately has been tearing them apart and he didn’t know how to stop it, even though he wanted to. He couldn’t control it and it was tearing him apart.
Clearly, her twin had no idea how close she was to tears - something that would've been more shocking if her head was on right. Normally, the two of them could read each other like a book - sometimes it was infuriating how well if she was being honest, but it was like there was a wall between them, rather than the totally open space of their apartment. She watched him slide down to the floor and normally she would be walking over to hold his hand and reassure him, but tonight her feet didn't budge.
Hailey was beyond mad, that much she was aware of, but she was also stressed, tired and just done with this whole game they've been playing. "Fuck, Beck. Of course I'm mad, I'm fucking pissed right now." She could feel her throat tightened as the words left, but she did her best to push past them. "I'm so beyond pissed that you got behind that wheel, you have no idea. But I don't give a shit about the car!" Hailey's voice was slowly raising in volume and she could feel the tears burning behind her eyes. "What I'm thinking is that I'm so fucking relived that you were able to walk away. I thought I was going to show up and you were going to be seriously hurt, or worse." She definitely did not want to elaborate on that thought, or how it would have been her worst nightmare coming true.
Beck felt himself flinch when Hailey’s voice grew louder. Beck looked at the ground, listening to Hailey’s word, and by the time he looked up, tears were streaming down his face. It was like something broke in him, something that was teetering on the edge of a countertop and someone just hit it over. “I thought I was okay,” Beck said, he wanted to add that he didn’t even blow the legal limit, but he couldn’t even say what really caused him to swerve on the road. He couldn’t piece together between leaving his friend’s and when the car was on the light pole. He shook his head, looking down again, letting the tears fall. Beck ran his hands over his face. “I thought I was okay,” he said, quieter this time. That time you could tell it meant more than just the car. He just didn’t know how to say it.
Hailey wanted to retort, say that clearly he wasn't okay, but she couldn't get the words to come out, especially as she watched Beckett break down on their floor. They both knew that this was about something way bigger than the car and that mixed with how broken her brother's voice was caused the tears to break through and stream down her cheeks.
Forcing her feet to move, she crouched down in front of her twin and reached out to grab his hands, her grip almost too tight, but she couldn't tell. "You have no idea how much it kills me inside that I can't protect you from this." Hailey has always been the type of person that couldn't comprehend how to deal with situations where she couldn't do anything physically. She could do something about him being getting hurt, but this? It was a mental thing and there was nothing for her to get her hands on and force away but Beckett himself, leaving Hailey to feel useless and defeated as she sobbed. "I thought there was a chance that I had lost you tonight and I have no idea what I would've done if I had. I can't lose you too, Beck, I can't do this without you."
Beck’s heart swelled at Hailey’s words. “I know, I know,” he replied. “I just,” Beck let out a sigh. “I don’t know what to do Hailey. I’m so scared.” Beck put his head in his hands, shaking it. Everything was coming out now. He couldn’t delay it anymore. “I’m so scared to deal with it all. I thought it made me feel better, that it was easier, but now I don’t know how to fix it. Everything is so messed up Hailey, and I’m scared.”
Suddenly, Beckett's hand were torn from her grasp and her hands fluttered around for a moment before resting on her knees. "I'm scared too, Beck. I'm so fucking scared, but I'm not leaving you to deal with this alone, okay? I'm here, whatever you need. We'll get through this." Fleeting thoughts of late nights spent in front of the computer, waking up on her desk with a blanket thrown over her shoulder came to her mind. She was nervous about bringing it up, but they may not have much of a choice anymore. "We'll get through this, Beck. I promise."
Beck looked up from his hands, his face tear stained, eyes red, and he was starting to get a migraine. There was a little blood on his hand from irritating the new cut on his head. “I thought I had it under control, Hailey, I really did. I didn’t mean to put you through all this. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said. He thought about when he really first sensed he had a problem, but he wasn’t ready to fix it, he wasn’t entirely ready to face everything sober. He couldn’t remember the last time he faced something fully sober. That scared him. He remembers trying to detox once, without telling Hailey, and he couldn’t get through it. It felt wrong, and it felt like something wasn’t right, he was so sick. Later he found out that it was really dangerous to detox from alcohol yourself sometimes. So he put it off out of fear, and anxiety to ask for help. It just spiraled more later, partly because he had the added stress of realizing his problem. He was then mostly drinking to keep himself from getting sick, going overboard on his more stressful days.
“Do you remember that packet of rehabs that just so happened to appear on my desk one day?” he asked, knowing that Hailey had put it there, trying not to force him. He appreciated that she never forced him, he’d just push her away more.
Beck took a shaky breath. “I don’t think this is something that we can do ourselves Hailey.” Beck said, vaguely. He didn’t want to admit it to Hailey how much he really drank to avoid getting sick.
Hailey's eyes fluttered up to the now bleeding cut on his head, as if she just noticed he had it. Her hand reached back out, gently wiping the blood off of her twin's face, dueling as her reassuring herself once again that he was in front of her. Not exactly okay, but still with her. It did wonders to soothe her heart and balm some of the anger and anxiety that remained. "We'll get through it." She repeated in response to his apologies, letting her hand come off of his forehead and rested it back on his.
The question made her pause for a second, then she nodded. "I do. Remember all the times you found me passed out on the desk?" The older they got, the better they knew the other then they knew themselves, which includes how to best introduce a difficult topic to the other. She had let him see what she was up, but never forced him to look at it, letting him come to terms with everything for himself. "I don't think we can either. So we get help."
Beckett felt like he was a child all over again, with his mother fighting his monsters, comforting him when he was scared. When it wasn't his mom, it was his older sister. Beck knew, despite the struggles he often faced, it was Hailey who would come and help fight his demons, though unseen, though only being seventeen minutes older than him. The twins may have lost their parents, but they never lost someone who looked out for them. They always looked out for each other. Beck didn't know when he forgot that Hailey was there for him, he had spent so long feeling like he didn't have that person like he once had when he had nightmares as a kid, or people picked on him for his interests in school when they lost their mom. Beck was starting to really see that Hailey was that person.
Beck leaned his head against Hailey's hand that rested on his, silent for a long moment. Beck let out a small laugh, and lifted his head. The adrenaline wearing off, and the slight pain starting to set in as he was really starting to sober up."Sorry, I just," he said. "I was just thinking, you're always there to catch me when I fall. I'm sorry I didn't realize until now. I'm sorry I haven't been a better brother. I just, I was really trying, Hailey. I just didn't want to worry you. It sounds ridiculous."
Hailey watched as Beckett seemed to stare right through her, eyebrows furrowing as she took in her brother's appearance. She hadn't seem him look like so....so deflated since they lost their parents, but it made sense after everything they've been through tonight. While she knew that she was older by a small degree, while they sat on the floor of their dimly lit apartment, the age difference between them seemed like years apart rather than a few minutes. For the millionth time that night, she thanked the gods that they hadn't taken him from her as he seemed to focus back in and speak again.
The tears were still dripping from her face, but Hailey gave him a small smile at his apology. "What are sisters for?" She was still unsure how she was feeling from the night's events and knew that sleep wasn't going to come easy tonight, if at all, but she did her best to push it aside and stand up onto shaky legs. Stretching her hands out, she offered them to her brother to help him to his feet as well. "Come on, we have ambrosia hidden around here somewhere." They'll take this one step at a time, but Hailey could already feel like things were changing, the wall between that had somehow gotten so big was starting to crack and she was more than ready to get her brother back.
