Happened for a reason
I’ve come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. Most people would assume that I would be bitter or angry because of what happened; however, that’s not the case. When everything ended, it was a release. A sense of relief that I had honestly never felt before. The fact that I just lost the guy I thought I would end up with didn’t sadden me, it didn’t even hurt to lose him. Which at that point I realized I stayed because of how much I was truly scared of him, not because I loved him.
As the days go by I become more and more myself again as I try to walk through this thing called life. Sometimes I break down for no reason other than I hear a song that brings back a flood of emotions from a happier time or even an awful time. For example, the other day I was in the car and “Rude” came on, I started singing then almost immediately bawled my eyes out driving down the road. I thought to myself “What the actual F**K?” like really? Then I thought back to went Bryan and I use to sing it and make a joke about how we’d get married even though no one liked him. Fact is, no one really understands what goes on behind the scenes in a relationship. He was the best guy to me and the worst.
There was never a day that went by that we didn’t argue or fight. Now let that sink in, almost four years with this man and there was not a day to go by when we didn’t have an argument, a fight, or an all out brawl. I was so blinded that I guess I didn’t want to believe what everyone was telling me. Once I actually realized that things were not going to change(about two years in) I tried to get out. That’s when things actually started to get worse.
He had total control over my head and he knew it. I was doing and saying things that were not me, but if I didn’t do them it made things worse for me. Honestly, after I got past the point of caring about this person it got to the worst it had ever been. He knew I did not want to be there anymore, but he also knew that he could do what he wanted cause I was terrified. It got to the point where I was scared to come home, scared to speak, scared to walk the wrong way. Nothing I did was good enough and nothing would ever be good enough.
Now I realize that what he was doing was breaking me down so I would not leave. So that I believed he was the only one that would ever want me. And I did believe that... I got so knocked down to the point I thought taking my life was the answer. When I finally sought help( because no one knew, no one had any idea what was going on behind closed doors) it was like a switch flipped. I had someone lifting me up at work and telling me I was worth more than the situation I was in. And that is hat finally stuck with me “know your worth” she would say every morning. She stayed by my side every single day reminding me of that until I had the strength to leave. She didn’t know how much she actually saved me and still doesn’t. She saved my life and I thank God everyday for putting this amazing person in my life to give me hope when I had none.
God knew what he was doing when he put me through this situation. He knew I would come out of it stronger than ever. No, I’m not whole again by any means, but I’m on my way. And he put this amazing group of ladies in my work life that encourage and push me daily to experience things to better my life!