#bedless;

[xpropsandmayhemx]

Deathwish was not the song of yours that needed to come on shuffle right now...

[xpropsandmayhemx]

Your metaphor for us once was that we were always in the same room.

But even when I left, even when you left, we were always in the same house. If you die, there won't be a room. There won't be a house.

There will just be me and the world. Alone. Homeless.

I don't know how well I'd survive that.

Going through almost losing someone I love to something like this a third time. The hospital. The pain. The appointments. It would be really hard. Not as hard as watching you die by degrees. I can't force you to get checked out if you don't want to but I wish you would.

[xpropsandmayhemx]

I hope one day both of us will recover from what he did. Sometimes, I wonder if I did the right thing coming back to you because how will the wound close if you're worried about me being hurt again all the time? But I know both of us so well and no matter how we tried we were never any good apart. Fate brings us back into each other's arms time and time and time again. We were written on the stars, sung into existence by the wind, together when the universe took it's first breath.

And if you're going to die on me now. If this is more than just a headache, I will be there with you when you take your last breath. And I'll love you until I fade. I will find you in the next life as I always have and always will. And this time I'll be different. I'll be stronger. My heart wont be a million times too big. This time I'll protect you instead of the other way around.

I'm still counting every blue sky for you like I promised. I'm still keeping the list going of all the things we've always wanted to do. I always will. Please don't die on me. Please don't. I know maybe I don't deserve a happy ending. But I won't accept this one for you.

I wonder if I can make another deal. And if I do. What part of me will I have to sell to get it?

[xpropsandmayhemx]

I wish I could say you're not right to worry. I've learned since then and there will never be another him. But I also love the darkness in people.

I'll try to be more careful for you. I hope it's enough.

[xpropsandmayhemx]

Is this happily ever after? Will my heart settle here and only here forever? I love you more than anything that ever was. But I also know I tend to love more than one person. Maybe this time I won't.

[xpropsandmayhemx]

Maybe there’s something in me that makes people leave when they say they’ll always be there. Maybe I suffocate them with my heart the same way I do to myself. It’s always been when I’ve been most sure a relationship was forever that they’ve gone. I don’t think you’ll do that. I think we’re perfect for each other even if we still have things to learn about each other. I have to put my trust in you and not let the past get in the way. You make me deliriously happy and complete and even when things aren’t perfect you feel so so good. 

But fuck. Did he leave because he wanted to disappear off into the sunset and be happy? Did he go because my being here hurt and he wanted to destroy the room once and for all? Was it his health? What the hell happened? Why didn’t he say anything to me? We said we’d stay friends this time. I could still feel him as long as he was in the same city. It was having a second heartbeat. I got used to it. Now my chest feels emptier. 

[xpropsandmayhemx]

You make me me. I don't know what I was thinking not talking to you for so long. I'm sorry.

[xpropsandmayhemx]

Your existence is still one of the things that makes me believe in the world. I’m so happy to see you out there happy. I hope you remain that way forever.