and decided to try to have it post today, on July 29th, for several reasons: 1) This day two years ago was the very day the conversation (to which I also just found out at the time of writing this) took place 2) I will most likely not to remember to write about this on the actual date and 3) my thoughts and feelings would be different a month from now.
That being said, yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about a certain someone who was once a very important person in my life and about our relationship and how it ended around a year and a half ago. That conversation led me to think about this person again today and realize that I actually truly did not remember when and what our last conversation was. And to be honest I felt a little good about not being able to remember because I think that means I have moved on. But of course being a person that I am, I had to dig into my imessage and tried to find what those last texts were. And then I realized that my oldest chat I have on the phone was from around 1/25/2015 but it was not from this person. In fact, I came to realize that I have 0 messages of theirs left on my phone. Most likely because I switched my phone at some point last year and the back up could only dated back so far or something.
Well anyway, I actually found them now on the imessage app on my ipad (and funny enough, their name was right under the name of the person I received a text on 1/25/2015, meaning their message was the very last one my phone somehow decided not to transfer over) and to my disappointment, it was actually quite dull:
Me: “I thought you said it was too much last sem”
Me: “Hope you don’t die”
Them: “I dropped a lot of extracurriculars”
Me: “I see”
Me: “Well good luck with that”
Them: “Thanks. I’m just going to be on the study train this semester”
… and that’s it. I remember making a decision not to be the one to chase after them and thought that the next time, I will wait for them to contact me first. But there was never a next time and I’ve never had a single word, in any form of communication, with them since (unless you count that ‘Happy Birthday’ message you get on facebook via automatic notification). That was a very very anti-climatic story of how my friendship with possibly the most important person in my life ended.
OK the story so far has nothing to do with why I want to post this thing on July 29 but I’m getting to it now. Well, I was honestly quite disappointed to find out that our last messages weren’t all crazy and dramatic as I’d have hoped, so I thought maybe our real last conversation was actually on facebook. lol. So I got on my facebook and searched their name. But no, our last facebook conversation was on July 29, 2014. It was a conversation about something I had long forgotten. It was about my first and last birthday present I was supposed to receive from them two years ago.
Me: “Cant i just know what it is already”
Them: “It was a book”
Me: “What book?”
Them: “The Diary of Anne Frank”
Me: “SHOT”
Them: “You said you wanted to read it”
Me: “Jssnne”
Me: “Yes”
The Diary of Anne Frank was a book that I really wanted to read that year. I think because I just watched to documentary of it a few months prior. They bought it for me as a present for my birthday last May. I was supposed to get it before July but they stupidly sent it to their own school mail box instead of my address at the time. It was funny and silly but I was really looking forward to reading that book that I never received. I also bought a present for them for their 2015 birthday that I kept holding off sending. First because I couldn’t find the box, then because I couldn’t find the card and things just got dragged on and on and before I realized it, their 2016 birthday was coming up.
During that past year we didn’t talk and it was very difficult at first. I was feeling depressed and anxious and I cried about being out of college and about losing in contact with whom I considered my best friend. And then I would remember that even when we were still friends and when we were physically near each other, I was still depressed and cried about our relationship. I think I liked to joke a lot about how our relationship was abusive and unhealthy, but deep down, I did wonder if maybe we actually were in an unhealthy relationship. Even now I’m not sure. Maybe it was toxic, I don’t know, but it was certainly difficult to pour so much love onto someone who didn’t seem to love you as much. And for two whole years I wasn’t able to find that balance but also wasn’t able to let go.
The later half of 2015 was a lot better and I was able to gradually adjust to my life outside of college and got busy with work and started to be happy. My priority started to change and because of that, I was a lot calmer. So for their 2016 birthday, I decided to send out my very last tie I have with this person. I have to say though, even after a whole year I still wasn’t able to find the birthday card that I was searching for (It was the card that says “In dogs’ year, you’d be DEAD” or something like that. I thought it was hilarious and summed up our friendship. Even until this day whenever I went to a stationery section of any stores, I was still searching through the birthday card section, hoping to find it one day). So I ended up writing my message underneath the present lid and sent it off with USPS. I never got a response. But I was OK about it. And the fact that I knew my 2015 self would have felt differently about the situation gives me the strength and confidence that I am now, more or less, able to let go. And I think this was the balance I have been searching for for the past 2 years and the way that we are now is probably just for the best. It’s not anyone’s fault.
A few people from time to time did ask me if we were still friends and my answer was always “I don’t know,” because friendship is supposed to be a mutual relationship and as much as I think we may still be friends, I don’t know if the feeling is mutual and therefore, I cannot answer such a simple question.
I would be very surprised if anyone is still reading it lol. I’m not sure why I write this super long post. Myself on July 29 would probably not remember about this post or if she does, she would hate the past me for writing it lol. In the end, it’s a little bit for myself at any time in the future to read. And I guess half of me wish this message will reach the person somehow, while the other half wish for that to never happened. That’s probably why I chose to post this on tumblr instead of facebook which is my main social media. Since I don’t know who follows me on tumblr, my followers may or may not know this person so whatever happens, happens.
If you happened to read this and now try to get something out of this long boring post then you can take this: no matter how unworthy you may think you are, there are sure to be someone out there who sees you as their world. So treasure every minute you have with anyone, and spare some time to think about people you might not think about often. People’s loves are never equal so find a way to work with it instead of work against it. And one day you will be happy.
I wonder where that Diary of Anne Frank is now. They may throw it away, or gave it to someone else, or did not even remember it was originally meant to be my present and put it on the bookshelf at home for all I know. At the very least, I hope that I did change their life for at least a second, even if it was never going to be as much as they changed mine.
I take quite a pride in my facebook friends (who basically are all my real life friends and acquaintances). There are just about 5 people who I can think of that would blast out something stupid regarding Ferguson and I haven't heard anything from them, which is great news
... until tonight
And out of all people, it's my fucking roommate (and yes, she is 1 of the 5)
I would just like to say thank you to our police force. I am sure I will get a lot of arguing for this, but I want to say thank you for protecting us and doing all that you can to keep us safe. Yes there are times that comprisable situations come up, but through it all, you are there protecting us and helping us live a safe and care free life, even when many turn against you. I appreciate all that you do for us. God Bless.
There is a time and place for everything and this definitely ISN'T one. And it just hurts my heart. and my brain. and I really do want to barge into her room and punch her in the face. But I shouldn't do that since I still need to live with her until next June. I just don't know what to do. Since she is a roommate, I am basically obligated to stay connected to her. And now my other lovely roommate is out and back home for Thanksgiving and everything went to shithole just 2 hours after she left.
Within the first week of rooming together, I found out that she is racist, cissexist, and transphobic (WHAT A DEAL!) and so unaware of her white privilege it's unreal. And like ever since then I basically stop making any serious discussion with her other than general conversation to avoid conflict / basically pissing myself off and breaking down and throwing her out of the window or something.
And yeah, I made a mistake signing the lease with her before getting to know how she really is. If I had known, I would sure as hell not rooming with her. But at the same time, she was the one who brought me and my other roommate together and I do like her a lot.
God damn it I hope my other roommate come back soon and get me out of this shithole
So today we had a student performance and it's all good until one actor didn't show up.
I'm not even the director though, but this thing just got me mad all day. I mean, I actually still don't know why she didn't show up--and there's really no reason for people to tell me about it. But like, really? Just not showing up on the day of the performance? Luckily, it was a short production and many lines were improvised so we had another actor take over her role. Seriously, do you think acting is a joke? Because if this was a "real" world, you would be doomed and not gonna get any single acting job again for the rest of your life. I dream to be a professional actor, and because of that, her lack of responsibility really offends me. I understand that not everybody who acts in college has a serious thought of becoming a professional actor. But if you were going to be like this and treat acting like something you don't need to take full responsibility on, then you better GTFO. Now.
...I first saw this photo of Ricky Martin, his partner, and his twin sons on one Thai Facebook Page. And all I thought was about how cute and happy they all are.. not long before I scrolled down and read the comments:
"How is this possible?"
"How were the children born then?"
"Wouldn't the kids be confused as to who they should call 'father' and 'mother'?"
"Looking at the hairstyle of the child on the right, seems like he's going to be like his parents (being gays)."
"Today's society is full of freaks and abnormal people"
"Would they become like their fathers when they grow up?"
"Let's just hope that the children wouldn't become like their parents."
"Looking at how the kids sit, they must definitely become like their parents.. the (gay) signals are already there in this photo.
"These kids must have thought that this kind of family is normal.. When they go to school, they probably ask their friends 'Why is your mother a woman?'"
"I feel sorry for the children."
There are actually lots of positive comments from many people who try to defend this family; but I still could not get over the fact that most Thai people just have plain hatred toward homosexuality. It just shows how narrow-minded they are and how very little they understand the world. How they think Father+Mother make a perfect family or how they think being gays could be passed on from one to another like a disease or virus--it disgusts me.
It reminds me of the scene of Glee's David Karofsky, when he says that his mother tells him he has a disease and it can be cured. When I was watching that scene, I thought that that explanation of homosexuality was the most absurd thing ever, and surely not a single sane person in a real world could actually see homosexuality as a disease.
Seeing all these people talking about Ricky Martin's family, I guess I was too optimistic toward the mankind...
It sucks to be bad at writing a blog because I'm not able to convey all the feelings I have toward this subject at the moment. But I guess all I want to say is that I'm just really really disappointed of people in this society right now.
for summer program. The letter arrived here last week. Then I kind of loosen up because I know I now have a place to be for summer.. Then last night, I researched on Atlantic and also other schools I was planning to apply. Then I search deeper into Circle in the Square Theatre School and now I feel like I really want to go there for this summer. The problem is Atlantic asks for half the tuition payment to be made by Monday April 16.. which is 5 days. I sent in part of my application to Circle in the Square today but there is no way I could receive a notification letter before next Monday. And now I don't know what to do because I have no confidence that I could get into Circle in the Square and I don't want to end up having no place to go. Would it worth to just send in $500 non-refundable deposit to Atlantic to secure my spot and ask them to extend my payment due date? Is that even possible?
So my duty today in the costume shop is to look for dance costumes in for the following catagories: - Nerd - Emo - Slut - Blonde Today is just gonna be so much fun.
I never dare to update my tumblr blog because I posted these internship videos last summer for my school in exchange of $3,000 grants. Now that I figure out how people could go and take a look at those videos specifically, hopefully my tumblr will be more active from now!
And now I'm slacking off from 2 essays that are due today. I have not started any of them. I'm just procrastinating a lot this semester and it's out of control and I don't know how to fix this.
