I've been inactive lately, because I'm back at a bad place. It turns out that spending six months frozen in trauma affected me more severely than I would have liked. I'm bedridden, constantly in too much pain to do anything.
I've spent the first week of it in denial, believing that I will snap right out of it and be okay, but I can tell now that I'm going to be like this for a while. Even just getting up to eat something is now too complicated, the struggle of the day is just getting some food in me.
I'm trying to accept this and be okay with it. If I need to spend several months in bed before I can move again, and for a while my achievements will be that I managed to spend a few minutes outside, then what's so wrong about that? I don't need to feel guilty. I don't want this, and I didn't choose this, and I hate that life is just going by while I lie down, unable to do anything, struggling to eat. I've been through this before and it's only ever when I feel better, that I realize how bad it really was, how I was struggling to breathe, how much time I spent wishing my stomach didn't hurt from hunger, unable to fix myself a meal.
Even just writing it down makes it more down to earth. In my mind I'm still struggling with the shame of being inactive, but the reality of it is that I'm in pain, it's not something to be persecuted for. Isn't it interesting how difficult it is to feel compassion towards yourself, when no one else has ever shown it to you? I bear no hatred towards myself, but my instincts still jump to persecution and judgment, just because it's the only thing I've ever experienced in such a state.
I know a lot of people have their symptoms worsen during the holiday season, re-living all of the seasonal trauma and feeling like their recovery is going backwards. I hope you all experience compassion and don't feel that judgment towards yourself any longer, because nobody deserves that. Nobody needs to be persecuted for struggling and staying inactive, it's not even a choice. There's not even a point in it, because it doesn't make the suffering end faster, it doesn't make the person get active more quickly, it makes the whole thing worse and longer. It's not a helpful sentiment, it's just hatred, wanting a person in pain to feel even worse. And nobody needs that on top of already suffering.
