Hi Jen!! Thank you so much for your blog and the hope you give!! I'm 17 and I'm from a small conservative town in the South. I'm a lesbian and being out to more than 3-4 people is not at all a possibility for me right now. Thankfully I've been able to cultivate a small circle of fellow queer people, but I always struggle with the sense that in some way I am the most 'knowledgable' or 'eldest' queer person there. This isn't true! I often feel hopeless and directionless holding my identity so close to my chest and not being able to express myself or have the same teenage experiences as my straight peers. I carry a lot of fear about being outed. But I don't want to let my friends down or make them think that being queer is a sorrowful thing. How do I balance this and be both a good friend and genuine to my feelings?
every time i see lesbians in media there’s always a part of me that’s like they’ll end up liking men eventually' not always because of how the characters are written. I’m pretty sure this is a sign of internalized homophobia and still seeing lesbianism as a phase. do u have any tips do dealing with this? it makes it hard to genuinely enjoy lesbian media :/
Answer: You highlight a lot of complex feelings that we, as lesbians (and many LGBT+) young people feel. Often we are the “token” gay in our friend group, or the most secure in our sexuality, and we take on that pressure to represent “our people”. But the fact is, it is not our job to be the perfect shining example of a lesbian, especially when doing so can endanger our us.
It is possible your friends look to you because you have natural leadership and charisma or a calming way of existing that gives them hope for happiness in a world where LGBT+ people are often told that life is going to be lonely and miserable simply because of their natural state of attraction. You can be positive and still have bad day and Still be a proud lesbian and not shout it from the roof tops (that moment will come..just not now).
The beauty of being a lesbian is we exist in a vacuum. If we are in a forest alone we are still attracted solely to women and not outside opinion, perception or validation is required. We just are. So you can be exactly as you are and be true to who you are even if only you know it. Having a few friends to be out to is a gift and I am glad you have it. They likely understand many of the same emotions you have so never be afraid to admit that existing as a lesbian in a culture that fetishizes us, calls us names and demeans our attraction as benign or a phase is not always easy because the fact that you are doing so is a testament to your strength.
Sometimes we can’t clap our hands in celebration of ourselves because we are too busy dusting ourselves off from being knocked down. Others see that and recognize the power you hold.
As to media.. for SURE! I spent a childhood being exposed to characters that behaved and felt in every way like a lesbians and with no exception they ended up with a boy (or man). I even shot a Tiktok about it. We soon become conditioned to the idea that no matter her appearance or her energy.. the woman always ends up happiest with the man. After a while it can sink in and make us mistrust our own feelings. “Will I out grow it”? “Is it a phase?” The good news.. There are many examples of real life lesbians who are out and happy and ended up with the girl! Find them. Look to lesbians living off screen and in the world.
This is why I encourage older lesbians to remember to be visible. It is easy to settle into domestic life and forget that other generations need to see “us”.
