#beingwhiny

[slightly-upset-at-the-disco]

I'm so fucking sick right now and I feel like shit. Had to go to the doctors because I couldn't drink water and keep it in my system for two days straight. I was making progress before the doctor but then I vomited 7 times And with it the water and 4 saltine crackers I had today... Now I can at least drink but I'm so hungry and all I'm allowed to do right now is sip at water and powerade and try to eat a jello cup.

[michp55]

ya know what i don't understand

this is honestly something that i will never be able to wrap my head around... 

why is it the people that mean the most to you, that have the most to offer and teach you, the people that you end up losing too early? 

i look back at my dad's life, and i'm not saying he didn't have any flaws, but man... he was just a happy dude. he always was able to put positive spins on anything that came his way, or at least that's what i saw from him. 

it's tough because i've always been a little cynical, a little judgemental, a little... ok maybe a lot... argumentative, and just not so accepting. 

i wish i had known my dad before my sister and i were born... i wonder if he was always the way he was. always putting others first... i try so hard to do that... but honestly, i feel like i need to look after myself now, because i don't feel like i have anyone to have my back if i fall. especially now that Jessie is gone too. 

Jessie was my back up... whenever i was pissed at my parents, or whenever i had an issue at all she was there. and now i don't even have that back up. if i fall... i'm fucked. 

this has forced me to put up a hard, HARD shell. it takes a lot to crack through that i think now. it never used to be hard for me to make friends no matter where i went... but now, i have to be careful not to let myself falter at all... and so if someone wants to get to know me, i'm a little guarded. i don't know how to let that go. is this part of getting older in general? or am i just worse at hiding things than some people? i know for a FACT that i'm terrrrrible at lying. i wear my emotions on my face, in my voice... i can't hide the way i feel about things if i wanted to. 

these questions are the reason i think that therapy might not be a bad plan... but that requires me to get effing health insurance... which i can't afford. grrr. life is too expensive. 

i just don't understand why life, god, whatever, decided to take away two really really important people in my life. that helped shaped who i am. that i could bounce any idea off of and get a response that would make sense. 

i don't feel like i have ANYONE to do this with anymore. 

the worst part about all this. these emotions don't come pouring out of me all the time. it's not like i'm some depressed, emo chick. i live a relatively normal life. but every once in a while all these thought run through my mind, and i have a total emotional breakdown. sad thing. i don't have anyone to lean on here. i have me. and my dog. 

i'm just establishing a life for myself out here....all my friends are work friends. they all have significant others, which i completely understand they want to spend more time with them. but i just don't feel a strong friend connection with any of them out here. 

should i go back to florida where my job life was kind of miserable, but i had friends and things to do? do i stick it out here where i have my work friends that are fine sometimes, but no other outlet... 

i would really love an answer from my dad here. would really like to know what i should do. or some sort of advice here. 

my step-mom is too busy with her own life to help me make decisions. or idk... it's just not the same. 

my mom... doesn't even understand the concept of why i can't just live with her.... don't even get me started on my mom... there are reasons why i pretty much only talk to her on holidays... 

my sister... i have to give advice to. 

my step sister... love her to death, but she has a family of her own now to deal with... 

my step bro... i can barely even get him to respond to a text message... let alone bounce ideas off of him.

on top of all that i feel like no one in my family understands why i'm working and doing the job i do... so talking to them about it is hard to begin with... 

*sigh*

moral: i want my dad back goddam it. 

eff you, higher power. god. universe. 

you suck right now.

[simplicityswhatimafter-blog]

I want someone to actually, I don't know uhm, give a shit about me for once. just listen to me vent and cry once in a while. I need to break down too.