Fun Times

practicing for NaNoWriMo, and possibly just messing around with some writing :)

[michp55]

Over it

Ok, soooo yesterday was literally perfect for me to get over the hump. First I wrote that post yesterday which was definitely cathartic. Second, I had my acupuncture appointment. The woman that I go to has seen me probably 4 or 5 times now... so not enough to know me SUPER well but enough to know me well enough. I walked in and she could immediately tell I was stressed out about something. She told me she could tell just by how I walked in that I was carrying it all in my shoulders. When she asked to see my tongue she put her hand on my shoulder and goes, “JEEEEZE.. you REALLY are stressed... you have like teeth marks on either side of your tongue!!” Its interesting how someone you don’t even know very well, but who is also very in touch with different energies of different people, can tell that something is going on. Although, I’m pretty transparent too I think. I’m not very good at hiding my emotions. Never have been. 

So anyway, she did a lot more needles this time than the last time I went. And she did it in a layers... she put a bunch in and then let them sit for a little while. The first group that she did... when she left me there to relax I closed my eyes and just focused on my breathing. Nothing else. Very much meditative state. And I swear I could feel all the negative energy swirling out of my body... its a weird feeling to describe... I felt it mostly around my head and chest. I honestly don’t know how to describe the feeling but it was really interesting. I think that I’m pretty lucky because not everyone is very in tune with feelings like that, either because they don’t believe in things like acupuncture, or whatever... they just don’t pay enough attention to the little details. But I do feel lucky that I’m very much aware of details. 

So then she put in a bunch of other ones and also hooked me up to the pulse machine thingy... i don’t know what to call it... she put two on my hands and two on my feet. I didn’t really feel anything from it this time, but oh well. Needless to say, when I left I literally felt like a weight had been lifted off my heart. If you’ve ever had your heart broken you know the weight on your heart that I’m talking about. I could feel that was gone. Well maybe not gone completely, but at least on the mend and moving towards positivity. It was nice to talk to her too because she was able to reset my mind as well. Like I said yesterday, I’ve always believed that the universe has reasons for throwing certain things at you.... and I’ve also believed that if you put a certain energy into the universe that it will reciprocate it. So one of the things that she said to me yesterday, which was basically an affirming statement, was, “Just stop and think about what you want. Say it out loud to the universe. Say it a couple times. And if its something tangible you might even start seeing that thing you want appearing more in your life. The universe listens, you just have to be clear.”

Anyway. I left my appointment feeling good. 

Then I found out I had a reallllly light night at work and wouldn’t have to be out until like 1 or 2am... soooo I decided to see if people wanted to join me in going to see a bunch of hot guys dancing around without clothes on HAHA. :)

Double Dees was doing the male review again. So I got a group of friends together and we got a table and went to that as well. What other better way to move past stupid idiot men than to go get hot guys to give you and friend’s lap dances?? haha Also just knowing that it was going to be an evening of laughter was good enough for me. Again, going back to doing things for me. 

So yes... that was a good time. I really didn’t drink that much but when I got home I felt like shit... I think my problem really is drinking vodka. Tequila is my drink. I don’t get the hangover feeling when I stick to tequila or even gin... but literally EVERY TIME I drink vodka... doesn’t matter if its good or shitty vodka...I always feel like crap after drinking it. 

Took a nap until about 1am... then got up to go out and go work. I only had two to braid last night so it was really easy. Both horses were really good, which made my life easy. When I have only a couple like that too I turn my music on and totally jam out because I’m not so worried about my phone battery dying. So that’s exactly what I did last night. 

So ya know what else I have found recently. I’ve never been happier to go to work. I work with such amazing ladies. Even when we have stupid shit happen with customers we ALWAYS have a good time. The other thing is that I feel like I’ve gotten really close with a couple of them and its nice to feel like people actually care about you. I know I’ve jumped the gun before and said things like this about other barns I’ve worked in and such... but I’ve been doing this over a year now with the same group of girls and its still good. I think it’s different because it’s not like we’re working on top of each other and we all do our own thing. I think that makes a huge difference. When I started doing this and not working in the barn anymore I was a little sad because you don’t have that connection with the horses that you have when you’re a groom or barn manager. But, what is nice is that you braid for the same people over and over again, you do start to develop a relationship with certain horses. I totally bring cookies out for certain horses and cuddle with them. Take pictures with them. I think when I started it was hard because I was worried about how fast I was going, but now I know pretty much exactly how long it’ll take me and if I have time to chill for a bit or not. 

Anyway. I got home this morning and passed out. Hit the bed and fell asleep. haha and now I’m up... and probably going to the beach. I need some sun :)

Sending out more positive vibes to the universe <3 Cheers folks!

[michp55]

Time for JUST me

These many years working in the horse industry have been... challenging... exciting... rewarding... and sometimes disheartening. 

I’ve thrown myself into my work for many years at this point to try my best to “make it.” I can happily say that I FINALLLLY feel like I’m in the right place for me job wise. THANK GOD!!! It only took 7 years, 9 different jobs, and countless moves... and that is only after having started working in the horse industry. This is a TOUGH business to get into unless you have at least some financial backing to help you get through the first few years. Because I didn’t have that and I have done everything for myself I never got the opportunity of being a working student or really be strictly a trainer because I have not been in a financial position to do so. The first few years it was really discouraging because as much as I so loved working around the horses I desperately wanted to be riding more and doing that for a living. But, we all need to make the best of the situation the universe throws our way. So, that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve managed to catch rides when and where I’ve been able to and have worked my ass off, sometimes while getting paid next to nothing. Now I can say that I’m making enough money where I actually feel like I might be able to start a savings account (WHAT A CONCEPT!?!!). I might ACTUALLY be able to get health insurance... ya know, things that adults do... haha 

I think that because I’m finally starting to feel more secure in my financial stability and job security and such I’ve starting really throwing myself into wanting to find a relationship... I want to have someone who I can share in my successes, failures, happy and sad times. Now, save for the last probably year and half, I never cared a ton about finding a relationship. I have been on dating sites since I moved to Florida in 2011 just to see what was out there... but never took it super seriously. Until about 2 years ago when I came back down to Florida, having been away for almost 2 years, I decided for whatever reason that I really really wanted to try to find someone to be with. Let me tell you... it has been one of the MOST grueling processes I’ve ever dealt with. The amount of shit people you meet online is truly unbelievable...  trust me... half of my friends can’t believe the stories I tell them from my online dating adventures. I’ve been told that I need to write a book about all of them. I think the other part of the reason why I’ve been so adamant about trying to find a relationship is because I see a lot of my very close friends getting married, or at the very least having solid long term relationships. Maybe its envy... maybe its a little jealousy... either way its been a really solid motivator for me... show me something I want that I don’t have and I will try my hardest to get it. This may be where I’m going wrong. 

I’ve always been a believer that the universe works in mysterious ways but things happen for a reason. People come in and out of our lives because they are meant to be there. And now I’m finally at a point where I’m going to let the universe do its thing when it comes to me finding love. I’m done searching for it. I literally CAN’T physically do it anymore. It’s been an exhausting, emotional, and draining process to constantly be on the hunt for love. 

In the last two years I’ve actually dated a few different guys. All of those experiences have taught me more about what I’m looking for exactly. Now... some people have told me that my standards are too high and that’s why I can’t “hold down a man.” I think that is complete and udder bullshit. We all deserve THE BEST. The best can mean very different things to everyone, but we deserve what we believe is the best. Nothing less. 

I’m going to share a couple dating experiences I’ve had in the last couple years (leaving out names) to give examples of the things I’ve been dealing with. And maybe some people can relate. 

First real meaningful “relationship” (if you can really call it that) I had when I came back down to Florida was with this guy who lived relatively close... the first time I met him we had a good time. He wasn’t the most attractive guy, but wasn’t terrible. But he made me laugh... was playful... fun. We went out a bunch of times... almost a full month before we got intimate at all. During that month we had SO much fun. We had one little hiccup in that time period where he had been talking to another girl before he and I started seeing each other and he lied to me about going to see her and I found out about it by seeing pictures of them on facebook... well needless to say I got pissed... yelled at him... gave him hell for it. Now guys... PSA for you: if you’re going to mess around on a chick (NOT RECOMMENDED) at least be smart enough to not have pictures of you and said other chick on fucking facebook!!! how stupid can you be?!?! 

Anyway, I chose to keep seeing him. I always felt good about myself around him. I had no reason to not feel that way... he was very touchy feely in public which is not usually what I’m into, but went with it for the most part. Things seemed to go well until we started being intimate... which seemed odd to me... well maybe another month or so went by... we had a good time... or so I thought. I can’t remember how it got brought up, but at one point I was supposed to be going to spend the night at his place and had left my place and he called and said it wouldn’t be a good night.. I was confused... and somehow he had decided that he was a little unsure of things or something... and then he said something along the lines of being uncomfortable with my weight, but “maybe we could start going to the gym together to work on it.”   Now... I’m not some skinny chick and never have been... but at that point I was actually in relatively good shape AND not only that... if this had been an issue don’t you think he would’ve known that from the beginning?? WELLLLL needless to say I lost my shit on him. HOW DARE HE?!?! I was not some problem for him to fix. I never in my life would ask someone to change for me so why did anyone have the right, after only a couple months mind you, to ask me to change for them. If you can’t like me for me then fuck off. 

Now he came into my life again on and off after that a couple times over the next few months... none of which were good experiences... but I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me the whole time... should’ve known after the first time he lied right?? I had given him the benefit of the doubt that first time... well maybe I shouldn’t have... lesson #1. Did I learn?? of course not. 

Second guy... started talking to him a lot... but then every time I asked him to hang out he was conveniently unavailable. It seemed odd because he seemed really into me. Well... he then told me that he still lived with his ex girlfriend... that she had cheated on him but they were still living together because of a lease situation... ok fine.. goodbye.. get your shit figured out and then we can hang out. Needless to say he never got his shit figured out... but got back with the ex. BUT! still, to this day, contacts me... *rolls eyes* annoying.... 

Third guy.... literally the nicest guy I’ve met online ever. Had the most going for him. Suuuuuper hard worker. To the tune of barely able to hang out because he was always busy. I was understanding though because I also was ALWAYS busy working... so we made time like twice maybe three times in the first two months of talking. He was terrible though about texting or replying back to any messages. Now I don’t know if that’s because he just wasn’t that interested or if he legitimately was insanely busy... but it just seemed odd.... and suuper annoying. Hey guys! here’s another PSA for you: when a girl texts you and you don’t reply back at least within the same day it’s really fucking annoying. It literally takes two seconds to send a text... even if its just to say you’re busy and will get back to them later... SAY SOMETHING! 

So anyway... after him not responding and us not really having time to hang out and him seeming to make up excuses of him traveling a lot or whatever it just seemed odd... so I stopped talking to him for a couple months... and then one drunk night (shocker) I texted him. He was really sweet and apologetic for what had happened before and told me he was definitely still interested in seeing me if I wanted to. So we hung out a few more times... again... super sporadically... but it was better than before. However... I had known the guy for like more than half a year at this point and he still hadn’t even tried to kiss me yet... just seemed odd.... anyway. I had to go away for the summer... but one of the last times we saw each other before I was leaving he finally kissed me... and I will always remember that night because it was literally one of the most perfect first kisses I’ve ever had... so it was sad that I was leaving, but kept in touch with him and when I came back briefly at the end of summer we planned to hang out. Getting together with him when I was back though seemed to be difficult.. he again kept coming up with reasons why it wasn’t going to work. Finally we locked down a night to hang out... well I ended up spending the night with him and had a great time with him... or so I thought. I was optimistic about it. Well... after about three to four days he stopped responding to me. again. at that point I was done. it was unfortunate because he was one I really had hope for and really liked... but oh well... on to the next right?? 

Meanwhile... while I was in North Carolina for the summer I was also still online trying to see what was around up there because my friend who I had been staying with had convinced me that guys up there were different and better.. blah blah blah.. what I will say is guys are certainly less interested in just hooking up typically up there but there are definitely still the few that need to be weeded out. Anyway... I met this guy... who I wasn’t really sure about at first... we started talking and seemed to click right away... and then he told me that he did some shady things... had guns (which may not seem like such a big deal to some, BUT having not grown up around guns its just not something I’m super comfortable with)... and just some things that normally I wouldn’t really be into. BUT keeping an open mind I kept talking to him. Now, normally I NEVER let guys call me baby, babe, hun, or any other stupid pet name... this guy called me babe and it seemed normal and not uncomfortable at all... which was odd to me... So anyway. We met up at a sushi place and then went and hung out at his place. He had a good job at the time and regardless of the other shit he seemed like a really genuine guy. So we continued hanging out and I did tell him that I traveled a lot for work and whatnot...and I wasn’t looking to jump into anything and he seemed to feel the same way, but said that he was ok with distance because it’d make him happier to see me when he actually got to... blah blah blah... saying all the right things. I wasn’t expecting things to move as quickly as they did with him, but again... tried to just go with it and be open minded. I felt more comfortable around him than I had around anyone in...i don’t even know how long... 

So we continued to hang out and then I had to go to Kentucky for a couple weeks. He gave me his sweatshirt and was all “i’ll miss you” so needless to say... at that point, I was pretty smitten. Well... I’m in kentucky for a few days and hadn’t heard much from him. When I finally did, he called me and told me he’s not ready for a relationship and how he was still in love with his ex and really messed up from that relationship. I told him that I still wanted to see him and see where things went if he wanted that. He seemed ok with it as long as we weren’t serious. At the same time I was still talking to guy #3 that I was REALLY interested in. So as much as I wanted to see where things went with this guy I was ok with not making things super serious right away. 

Well... when I got back from Kentucky everything went kind of downhill... he ended up getting laid off... and turns out he had a reaallll serious drinking problem, which turned worse when he lost his job.... the shady things he was doing got a bit shadier.... and it just seemed like a terrible situation. And then there’s me... well maybe he’ll snap out of... this is just a slew of bad turns. I sometimes think that I’m just an idiot. The other part of me was trying to be the nice person and trying to be there for him and wanting to help him. I’ve been told that I might be a “fixer.”  I don’t know if I am or not... but I do know that I enjoy helping people. 

So anyway, I did a lot of traveling but always came back and would spend a lot of time with him. I probably spent more nights with him than I did where I lived. I also had a situation come up with my living situation and he was super nice and told me I could stay with him if I needed to, however, I wasn’t sure I was ok with that mostly because there had been a few incidents that had made me uncomfortable so living together was not necessarily something I wanted to do. I wanted to have a place of my own just in case I needed or wanted to leave. 

It was very confusing to me because he had told me many times how much his parents would like me... he’d introduced me to a bunch of his friends... he would do cutesy things like dance around the house with me.. sing to me... just cute things that, ya know, couples do. He never wanted me to pay for anything. He even told me he loved me multiple times... which most of the time I tried to ignore it.... wasn’t sure if it was the booze talking or actually him, and I certainly wasn’t there yet. He still was constantly telling me how bad he was for me and that I shouldn’t like him, but at the same point would tell me how he wanted me to come over. Talk about head games... 

Well then I went up north for almost three weeks at the end of October. He called me multiple times and told me how much he missed me and wished I was there. I went back to see him on my way back through to Florida and decided I needed to be very up front and ask him if he wanted to do this for real or not because I was going to Florida for months and would need to know that we’d be in consistent communication and that there would be effort on both sides to see each other. Well, after all of that, he told me he would never be ok with doing long distance... even though that’s not what he said to me to begin with... but that he didn’t want anything to change between us. Ok... well you can’t have it both ways. When I left, I left his sweatshirt and didn’t really think I’d ever hear from him again. Well... I heard from him that night and he told me he was going into a rehab program, which I told him was a great idea, but he wouldn’t be able to talk to me for awhile. I told him I understood and would support him any way I could. 

After a few weeks of being in Florida and having not heard from him, I had just gotten back from my cruise and he called me... I was shocked because I didn’t think I’d hear from him at all for the next couple months. Apparently the program was shit and it was a shithole to stay there. So he made the decision to move to his godmother’s house. Away from NC. I thought that would be a great opportunity for him to get out of the habits and to start fresh. I was sad about it because it meant I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with him next summer when I head back to NC, but he definitely needed to do something good for his life and I was in no position to say anything different. He had talked about it with me a little prior to then that it might be a possibility but he hadn’t ever finalized anything. So over the next few weeks I heard from him sporadically... which I knew he was busy getting shit together and organized. Well before christmas I heard from him a couple times after he had moved and told me how much he missed me and wished I could go visit and whatever. The crazy thing was that I was SERIOUSLY considering going to visit him up there. So then that last thing I heard from him was after I had texted him Merry Christmas... and he said the same back. After that I had texted him a few times and didn’t hear anything back.. I was working NYE so I tried to call him before I went out and he didn’t answer. I left him a nice message, and then went to work. I came home the next morning and was browsing facebook before going to sleep and what did I find?? A bunch of pictures of him with this chick... and then later that day they were in a relationship. I felt broken. I’ve never felt like that before. Ever. There were so many different emotions. I was SOO sad... and SOOOOOOO angry.... and so confused. I just spent the last 5+ months with this guy who had been telling me that he loved me but couldn’t be in a relationship because he wasn’t over his ex and it wouldn’t be fair to me and then all of a sudden after ignoring me for two weeks he’s in a relationship?? Just thinking about it even now makes me furious. Needless to say... I might have lost my shit on him via text, which may not have been smart... but whatever... don’t messed with a girl scorned hah. We ended our heated discussion with him telling me he still cared a lot about me and still wanted to be friends. I just couldn’t. So I unfriended him on facebook and did my best to forget about him... 

So I had been talking to a couple guys online since I’d been back in Florida since he had told me that he couldn’t do long distance. Right before Christmas I started talking to guy #5... he lived about an hour away from where I am so I already knew that was going to be kind of a stretch trying to get together. But he seemed to want to make it work out so I was up for whatever... again... trying to be open to possibilities. 

One of my “things” that is kind of a deal breaker for me is a dude with bad teeth... I don’t know why its SUCH a big deal for me... but it is. So the first time I met this dude that’s probably the first thing I noticed. I wasn’t really that into him... he seemed very serious, but he was very nice. Texted every day. Responded in a pretty timely fashion. Was willing to drive all the way here to meet me. Paid. Worked with animals and was very passionate about what he did. So as much as I didn’t like the teeth situation I chose to look past that. We went out a handful of times.. held hands at the movies... never kissed... but he seemed to want to take things at a respectable pace. Which I was fine with. He seemed like a pretty stand up guy.

Well about two weeks ago, he had told me that he had some big financial issue come up but didn’t go into details. I didn’t really expect him to since we’d only been seeing each other a couple weeks. But so I offered to drive up there and do things that didn’t cost money... he would either bail, or just come up with reasons why he didn’t want it to happen. It just seemed odd. But I told myself that he was just dealing with shit and it would pass. After a few times of him bailing though with no notice I started getting pissy about it. He knew my schedule and when I was available and just didn’t even try. SO the other day he had finally said we would do something after he was done with work. I was pleasantly surprised. The day came and I had texted him and just asked him to let me know the game plan of when and where to meet. Nothing. And here’s the thing... he has an iphone so it goes through as imessage... and he had his read receipts on so I could tell when he read my messages. But this morning they weren’t even going through as imessages... they were going through as normal texts. I thought that was odd, but we also had some CRAZY storms the night before so I didn’t know if he just had lost service or something.. idk... I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I sent him a facebook message hoping maybe he’d see that. Well as you probably know on messenger you can see when people see the messages... well it said he’d seen my messages and was not responding... I got so mad... and basically told him I was done at that point. Well at about 8pm that night I got a message from his fb saying “he’s not ignoring you, he’s in jail” 

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? 

pretty sure that was my exact reaction in message from also... so turns out he was in jail... The person I was talking to was his girlfriend...yep, you heard that right! His girlfriend... who he’s apparently been with since 2014. Just kill me, right? Well just wait, it gets better... can you imagine? Well apparently she was also talking to another girl who he’d also been seeing...who then also messaged me... It was really just a shit show. So the gf wouldn’t tell me what he was in jail for... so my friend and I started doing some googling. Found out it was for an out of county warrant... which could be for anything right? could be small... and then we saw that his bond was for 10k!! That is not some small offense.... So all that happens. I wanted to give him a chance to explain himself for some reason... part of me just wanted to give him more shit and to tell him off instead of just not talking to him anymore and giving him that satisfaction. Again... don’t messed with a woman scorned... haha

So I sent him a text asking him if he wanted to explain himself or if his girlfriend had told me all I needed to know. He didn’t respond until later the next day...saying he didn’t have a girlfriend and wasn’t seeing anyone else... to which I replied, “what about *other girl’s name*? heard from her last night too... you aren’t seeing her either right??” he said he was... fucking dirtbag... and then told me to leave him alone. I told him to have fun playing mind games with all these girls but I wouldn’t be part of it anymore... and then he said “bye...stop messing with my life”

HOW DARE YOU!?!?!? ME messing with YOUR life?!?!?! OH HELLLLLLLLL NAHH.

So I basically said that to him in maybe a few more words... and was done with him. 

With all of these things I’ve decided to swear off online dating... and potentially dating in general for awhile.. I’m pretty over men at this point. I just feel like I’ve had some really terrible luck... And those were only the ones that I met multiple times.... don’t even get me started on the in betweens that I met once or never met at all... The point is ONLINE DATING BLOWS!!!!!!

I’ve decide that I’m going to focus on myself right now. I’m getting a gym membership. I’m focusing hard on working. I want to make my place here more homey. I need to figure out my car situation. I need to find a place to live for the summer in NC. SOOO that is what I’m going to do. 

I went today to my acupuncturist who, as soon as she saw me could tell I wasn’t right... she immediately asked if I was stressed and said she could tell I was carrying it all in my shoulders... she’s amazing btw. haha. So she reset me a little bit today and just helped me refocus. 

I plan to focus on all the positive in my life. Its so easy to get caught up in the negative. I am going to try hard to recognize at least 10 things per day that I am grateful for. I’m going to start writing again, be it on here or in my actual journal. I used to journal ALLLLL the time and I haven’t in SOOO long. I’ve lost sight of that. I would also really like to have music back in my life. Like real music... I want to sing again.... I want to spend more time listening to music and doing productive things rather than sitting around watching movies or binge watching netflix. Its so easy to do those things. Now that I’m happy in my job and everything I have time to start challenging myself again. :) 

anyway. Thank you for reading. I know it was long and personal. 

[michp55]

Jet setter lifestyle

This year i’ve done more traveling than i think i have done in my entire life. I’ve been super lucky this year. also i have to say... with all of my friends always talking about how “old” we’re getting, to me its a nice change. I used to be such a crazy partier. Now instead of crazy partying i stay at home, watch movies, drink wine, and sleep. spend way less money is the other part of it. so much so that it’s allowed me to be able to take FOUR trips this year!!! three of which i had planned on doing anyway... but this one was so last minute and not at all planned. literally it came about in a phone conversation with my friend Daria. she was telling me how John Mayer and The Grateful Dead have like 10 tour dates through the end of the year and are coming to Philly on Nov. 5th and that she had gotten tickets. i immediately was like, “I WANNA GO!!!” 

so little did i know i could a) get my new boss to let me go, b) find a cheap round trip ticket, c) be spontaneous enough to have it all fall into place!!! 

that being said i’ve experienced a lot of different airports at this point. I still remember my very first flight in high school out of Logan Airport in Boston when i went to go visit my step sister out in Sonoma, CA. it was my first time flying ever, and i was going by myself on a nonstop flight from boston to oakland. i was kind of terrified to say the least. however, i got on the plane and LOVED IT!!! 

i’ll have to continue this post later. i’m about to board my flight!! :) happy flying!

[michp55]

Starbucks...

starbucks is always an interesting place to come and sit and do things on your computer and pretend to not notice anyone else... but really... there’s a couple in the corner and they were fighting hardcore. i was pretty sure they were breaking up actually, but now they are canoodling so i guess not. 

there was another two people sitting in the other corner having what sounded like a heated business discussion. The guy seemed like he was reprimanding the girl about something she said or did. i wasn’t paying that much attention to them. 

anyway, i just came here to upload some photos to facebook since i dont get internet at my house. but i’m done that now so i might go back home. 

i’ve woken up congested the past two days and right now its not going away :( and i’m going home again on thursday night for lindsay’s wedding on saturday!!! i better not be sick for it!! i’ll be so mad.... i HATE being sick. 

alright. i’m out.

[michp55]

Digital journaling day 2

So i was perusing through the prompts of the 30 day digital journaling challenge this morning and i've decided that those prompts are not really anything that i can write about. I want to practice writing for nanowrimo. which means that i need to be writing almost 2000 words per day. yesterday it was only about 500 words...... therefore, i've decided to forego using those prompts (unless i'm really really blocked) and just journal about my days. There a lot of things that i do on a daily basis so i might as well write about them, right? 

so today actually is quite boring in my life... it's rainy and cold out here in central jersey. I do thoroughly enjoy all the foliage but i really really hate the cold weather. that's part of the reason why i left vermont to begin with. I do really love Vermont too... which leads me to another completely random topic...I'M GOING HOME SOON!!!! yes, its going to be effing freezing there when i go, but hopefully it won't snow. I'm hoping that i can hold off on getting snow tires here until at least mid november... hoping... probably not though. 

currently listening to jack johnson, banana pancakes and ironically enough its the part where he's talking about it raining all day and there "aint no need to go outside." that about how i feel today :) 

so recently i've been more active on my dating websites. its always interesting the people that contact me on there. i feel like it never really goes anywhere though. I have friends that have had such success on them... the only time it ever worked for me was in florida when i had been talking to this guy for awhile (this was a few years ago mind you) and at that point i just wanted a hook up. so it was great when that was all i was looking for. even though the sex was miserable!!! and actually, for those of you who have seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, do you remember the part where Peter is having sex with all the random girls to get over Sarah?? well the one that constantly says "hi"... that was this guy... honestly stop saying hi already. we greeted when i got to your house. once is enough, thanks. haha

but anyway, that story aside, i've found that being back on the east coast I seem to have more luck. even though i have yet to go on a date with any of these guys. My question is how long do you wait for a guy to ask you out? for me, if a guy calls me hun before i even know him that's a bad sign. if a guy asks to see a nude photo he's done. if a guy (who's my age or older) still lives with their parents or in a dorm room there's a chance that's a no go. if a guy wont tell you any information about themselves that sketchy. if a guy always seems to turn the conversation into something sexual that's a no go... i put a lot of rules into my online dating. haha. i guess i just don't want to settle. if i'm going to meet up with you in some public place for some really awkward cup of coffee or drinks or something i may as well know what i'm getting myself into, right?? I like to talk to the guy on the site for at least a few days before giving them my number, or i will give them my kik name and do that. but i typically don't give guys my number until i've talked to them for awhile on the site first. then once we're onto the texting phase i hope to talk to them for a couple more days before meeting them. but what do you do if they don't, after a week goes by, ask you to meet up? i feel like at that point you should probably give up right?? but maybe i'm giving up too early... i don't know. it's so hard to tell. that's why i hate online dating. i just want to meet someone through someone else or randomly at a grocery store or something and hit it off. why can't life happen like it does in the movies? wouldn't that be nice?? *sigh*

the last guy that i thought things were just about perfect decided to tell me that the photos on his profile were quite old, and when he sent me new photos he looked SO much different and not attractive to me at all. I'm typically not one to judge so much on appearance but i mean, i have to be at least a little bit attracted to you if i'm going to date you... so needless to say i just kind of stopped talking to that one. 

now i've been talking to this guy that apparently hangs out at all the same places that my friend's and i do... so we're eventually bound to run into each other. which could either be good or really awkward. but he seems nice enough. but ok, that's the thing. he has yet to ask me for my number and to ask me out. so do i give up? i don't know. i figure we can just keep talking. if nothing else i'll have made a new friend in the area. 

ok. took a bit of a break there. now i'm coming back to writing. ok so my boss this year has sent her son to boarding school. everyone has been on eggshells about it kind of because we didn't know how that would go... BUT happy to say that it's been going really really well, and that he's been there now for over a month. ok. but now is like family weekend or whatever... she and her husband were going to go up and spend the weekend i guess. thing is, that her husband has some sort of illness that no doctor can seem to figure out what is wrong with him. which is ridiculous. but basically his kidney's are failing and there's something wrong with his brain or something too i think. but basically, he is in and out of the hospital A LOT. so they were nervous going up to mass for a whole weekend of activities. Needless to say, they left yesterday afternoon.. and were supposed to stay until late sunday night, and they came back tonight. with their son. 

so part of the reason why he needed to go to boarding school is because he refuses to go to school here and refuses to do pretty much anything here... which is ridiculous. but he's always on his xbox and the parents dont do anything about it. like.... take the goddamned game away. seriously.... it's not that hard. but apparently he's threatened to kill himself and they just get really nervous about it or whatever. so off to boarding school he went. (oh, side note though, they are suuuper wealthy, and somehow my boss convinced the school to let him bring his xbox with him to school, when they are strictly not allowed... its amazing what money can do....)

So the reason why i brought this up to begin with was because they got home tonight. I'm supposed to have space in the basement to be online and whatnot. also we had to pick up all his gaming stuff the other day so that way we could set up my space.... welllllll they got home literally less than an hour ago and the kid already has his game and chairs and whatever all set back up and is playing his game already. WTF IS THE POINT OF HAVING HIM HOME?!?!?!!?!? it would be one thing if they were planning on spending a nice weekend at home together but i just have a feeling that he's going to be sitting on the freakin games the entire time! i just don't get it. doesn't make sense to me. 

ok done ranting about that.... 

while i was feeding this evening i noticed one of the horses had pulled a flippin shoe.... dummy. horses really can be a pain sometimes. 

oh so another thing that i have been thinking about today is how i got fired from the california job. it honestly just sucks because i did like that job, and im a really good instructor. i have good information, and it's just plain silly that she said she couldn't "afford" to have me there anymore. why? because you're spending your money on your slave, i mean.... cough cough, your assistant... 

people just amaze me. 

anyway. i think that's all the writing i have in me for the day, but tomorrow is my day off so there will be a lot more writing to come! :) 

[michp55]

hello fellow tumblrs

so i'm back on the writing train :) 

I signed up to do a 30day digital journaling challenge which was supposed to start on October 1st. hah. clearly i'm already behind. However, I think that i'm going to start today and get a lot of writing done over the next week. It's supposed to be rainy and cold this week so i wont have much to do for work this week. 

ok so to start this was the first prompt I received (even though it was supposed to be for day 2.). 

"Are you in love? Have you ever been madly, insanely, deeply in love? What does it feel like? What is the difference between being "in love" and simply loving someone?"

  -- from Dolly Garland, Kaizen Journaling

Currently i'm not in love. at least not with a man. i love my dog. i love music. there are a lot of things that i love. but i am not "in love." 

I don't think i've found my great love yet. you hear in the movies all the time about how you'll always have the one great love of your life. I don't think i've met that person yet. I do think that I loved my first serious boyfriend, even if he didn't love me back. I would get so excited to get a text message and see it was from him, or a phone call, or an instant message. 

i guess the only way i can describe the feeling i got was excitement. and just plain happiness. 

i think i also got a sense of pride to show off that we were together. mind you, this was a LONG time ago. and it's a little sad that i haven't found another love since then.

i have recently thought about some of the guys that i had meaningless relationships with in college and what would happen if we got together now. one of them is now in a committed relationship and living with his girlfriend...but he was one that no matter where we were he was always up to hang out. even up to a couple years ago... he was dating the same girl he is now, then, but he came down to florida for something and i told him to come visit and he almost did.... so i'm curious if anything would happen if we were to run into each other now.

and then there are the guys that i really just liked but nothing really ever came of it. it always makes me sad to think back on those. 

anyway. none of this really matters. 

to me, being in love with someone means there is a really deep connection between both people. i think that just simply loving something or someone isn't quite the same. this is actually a pretty hard thing to describe. like i said in the beginning of this post, i love my dog, i love music, i love my friends, but i was in love with my first boyfriend... i honestly am not sure how to describe it other than its just a deeper connection. 

ok. that's all i have for that first prompt. i'm so bad with writing prompts. i'd rather just write something that in my head, whether it be a dream i've had, a memory, or the happenings of the day. 

that being said, be prepared folks, for NaNoWriMo time this year. i think i've got it covered this year. :) i'm pretty psyched about it.  

[michp55]

Stressed and helpless

I feel like the weight of what's happening is crushing my chest, and invading my brain. It's taking any of the happy feeling that I tend to have completely out of my life. I should probably start seeing someone to try to get some answers. I've never actually felt the need to talk to a professional about things until these past two years. It just feels as though any time things start going well in my life I get news that some has cancer, or someone has died. I was just thinking about things for a minute here... 2008, dad died. 2009, grandpa died. 2010, heather died. As far as I know... Skip 2011 and 2012... 2013, Jessie died. 2014, my sister might have cancer. I'm just over it. I know that as you get older you are going to start to have to deal with death more and more, but not with people so young... I don't know. I said this last year and I'll say it again... I think my family is cursed. I don't know why. I don't know why we have to deal with all of this. But I'm fucking over it.

[michp55]

writing

i feel like i haven't done as much writing as i used to and i miss it. 

there's a girl that used to ride at our barn who is now attempting to write an equestrian novel about being a groom, however, the girl has no idea what she is talking about when it comes to being a groom. this is my issue exactly. when i get around to NaNoWriMo i start writing a fictional story and pull some things from real life, but then it comes to things that i don't know for sure, and i feel like as a reader I appreciate real life, accurate details more than people guessing at things. the other thing that really got me was that there OBVIOUSLY had not been any proofing done... she's posting it for everyone to read and there are simple spelling mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes but before you put something out for someone to read (especially if you are trying to make a name for yourself) you should proof it for little mistakes. 

now. that being said. people may not approve of how i write in these posts because they are typically not grammatically correct, nor are they proofread. i also could care less about capitalization or spelling (even though i try to make sure things are spelled correctly). the difference between the two is that this is not meant to be some fantastic work that i someday might want to get published. this is simply somewhere i feel i can write down my thoughts. i don't have many followers and that's fine by me. i don't want this to be something that many people read. i just needed something that i could store and get thoughts out of my brain. 

i used to journal ALLLLL the time. i think i must have completely filled at least 3 journals my senior year of high school alone. now, because i have moved around so much i would really like to not have to carry around extra weight of those journals, which makes these online blog sites quite nice for me. it means that i can write down whatever i want. people can read it if they want, but the purpose is literally just for my own personal use. 

anyway. enough of that. 

this is really the first time that i've had a day off that i've spent kind of out of my house. i tend to spend my time catching up on my netflix shows on my days off. which is fine and great, but i really want to start getting out and try to make some new friends. not that sitting at the starbucks are b&n with my headphones in, writing away on here is really me making friends, but at least i'm out and about today. 

i'm still really pissed that stephen is such a dick. he and i could've been great friends and been able to hang out and he could've introduced me to some people here, but he decided that finding a new girlfriend was more important. i mean, i suppose i would've probably done the exact same thing if i had someone that i was interested in, however, i don't. and all my friends have significant others. can i bitch anymore do you think? haha

i can't wait for emilee to come out to visit. maybe while she's out here i can not look like such a weirdo going to new places and maybe make some new friends. i think for some reason that i have more confidence in myself when i know i have a friend there for back up. does that seem strange? 

so work has been interesting as of late. my boss has been sending me some great feedback from my kid's parents, and just in general, my job seems to be going a bit more smoothly. i sometimes think i would make more, and better connections if i were able to be more involved at horse shows... but not with my barn. its just not a professional barn. that's really what it comes down to. at least with PBRA we had some seriously high profile clientele, and some really high profile clinics we held. I feel like i bring up possibly doing clinics and things through our program and i just either don't get heard or get immediately shut down. and every time i get frustrated i always start looking into other options, but then i quickly remember that i told myself that i'm sticking with this place at least for a full year. after that i will see where i'm at. i'm almost at the halfway mark. almost. i think i'm too fickle about what i want to do with the current resources that i have. i don't have the $$ to start my own program. even though i think i would run a really fantastic program. 

my program would go as follows: i would alongside a hunter/jumper rider that could also show my horses but i would be the one in charge of EXACTLY how they were ridden. I would train kids. and i would make sure the barn is perfectly organized. i would have a single stall cleaner, but realistically i would do most of the horse care myself. i wouldn't have more than 8-10 horses at any given time. i might own one pony, one horse myself, but the rest would be horses in training. the horses would get ridden 6 days a week. 3 days of jumping for the hunter/jumpers and 3 days of flat. 2 of those jumping days would include gymnastics of some sort and the other would be coursing. so legit i would only need my rider there for 3 days a week. 

i really wish that hattie would just purchase her farm in florida already and just make me her barn manager. THAT would be fabulous. we'll see if that ever happens. 

i do miss florida. especially for the weather. but more for the people. people here are a bit nicer and less pretentious, BUT they keep to themselves more. which to me is a huge turn off about a place. i like really extroverted people. introverts kind of freak me out. mostly because i never know what they are thinking. but the atmosphere here is much nicer. and the scenery here is much much prettier than florida. i can look out the window from just about anywhere and see mountains. that's not something you EVER see in florida. and i'm all about mountains. especially since i grew up in the green mountain state :)

i sometimes think about what i could do if i went back to vermont and started my own business there. would i be competitive there? could i help Patty develop her business into something more spectacular? would i make enough $$ working in vermont to support me. could i handle NOT being around the ocean? could i handle the cold? definitely would be a wimp about the cold... there's no doubt there seeing as its been like low 40s at night here and i've been freezing. but who knows. 

holy crow. i just looked up at my battery on my computer here and i only have 18% left :(  i've only been here for an hour :( why the heck doesn't b&n have outlets to plug your computer into... grrrrr.... maybe i should go sit at a starbucks... they sometimes have plug ins... 

well. this is just it. i get writing about just about anything that comes into my brain. and i just can't stop. but i think i'm going to do a search to try to figure out good spots to go do studying.. like college hang outs or something. idk. i'm out. later.

[michp55]

Year in the life.

i've decided to write about my year this year. track my life. 

beginning of january: 

started out with me being home over christmas and new years, which was fabulous!! i got to visit my nephew and my family for a good majority of it all, and then got to spend some fun evenings with my friends especially new years eve :)

got back this year and continued working at Bridges. Was working for Devon in the mornings and the lesson program in the afternoons. Everything seemed to be going well after i had had my chat with ruthanna, which was good. about two weeks ago now that switched. I am now strictly barn manager/instructor. which is GREAT!!! i have been done with the whole groom thing for awhile now... so it's great that i can actually be doing something that i want. The only issue that i'm having now though is i feel like i'm slowly being cut what things i am to do. which is annoying. don't appoint me barn manager and then don't tell me what's happening with the horses i'm supposed to be taking care of. its frustrating as fuck. just in case you don't know, a barn manager is in charge of making sure the horses all are kept up nicely and dealing with the vet stuff, and farrier stuff... and record stuff. and organizing the barn.  Well as of right now it seems like all i'm doing is feeding and pulling manes. it's kind of a pain in my ass. and i feel like she has Allie down there now micro managing my time which frustrates me to no end. that was one of the things that i was trying to avoid with taking this job was having someone be a micro manager for me. i effing hate that. let me do my job, in the way i want it to be done. i have things that IIIIII want to get done to make things look nicer, and to make MY job easier. but of course. i'm not the boss. so i'm kind of kissing ass right now, and trying my hardest to not complain.

So that's what happening job wise right now.

My home life, seems like it's been a bit awkward lately too mostly because i don't agree with a lot of the things that abby does at work. like. at all... so it's hard for me to talk to her sometimes about things that frustrate me at work when they are about her. fun fun! I've been looking at the possibility of getting my own place sometime down the road, but seriously... it's SOOOO expensive!! to get a freakin studio apt is over $1000/month :( i need to find a different place to live and i just need someone to give me the perfect opportunity. that would be awesome right? haha 

other than that though i can't complain much about living here. lady gets to hang out outside all day not have to be caged up at the barn, i live in a good neighborhood, i pay an average amount for the room i rent. i just miss having my own place. 

on the romantic front there is absolutely nothing. Stephen decided to get together with that chick. which she, in my opinion, is not attractive. i'm not saying i'm perfect... but i think i have a little more class than this girl. i've been on POF and have been talking to a couple of guys on there, but realistically don't expect ANYTHING to come out of that unless i get desperate enough to find myself a fuck buddy. i've been tempted.... but i'm not quite there yet. haha but seriously... i need a guy in my life soon... 

EMILEE IS COMING TO VISIT!!!! i have about a month and a week until she gets here!!!! YAYY!!!!! she's coming for 5 days!! i'm debating on what to do on which days. i think that on monday we'll go to disney because monday's probably won't be as busy as a weekend day. the weekend maybe we'll go down to san diego some day, and then to LA another day... and hang out at the beach as long as its not as cold as its been the past couple days. and then maybe go out on huntington beach or downtown laguna? idk. we have 5 DAYS!!! so much to do!!! :) and then she wants to ride one of the days, so i'll have to figure that out too. 

this is the first time in forever that i've been able to listen to my itunes... its crazy. i forget what music i have on here. so cray!!

anyway, so that's pretty much my month of january so far. i'll update again at the beginning of march on how february went!!

ps. it's the superbowl and i have no plans :( bummmmmmmed

[michp55]

ya know what i don't understand

this is honestly something that i will never be able to wrap my head around... 

why is it the people that mean the most to you, that have the most to offer and teach you, the people that you end up losing too early? 

i look back at my dad's life, and i'm not saying he didn't have any flaws, but man... he was just a happy dude. he always was able to put positive spins on anything that came his way, or at least that's what i saw from him. 

it's tough because i've always been a little cynical, a little judgemental, a little... ok maybe a lot... argumentative, and just not so accepting. 

i wish i had known my dad before my sister and i were born... i wonder if he was always the way he was. always putting others first... i try so hard to do that... but honestly, i feel like i need to look after myself now, because i don't feel like i have anyone to have my back if i fall. especially now that Jessie is gone too. 

Jessie was my back up... whenever i was pissed at my parents, or whenever i had an issue at all she was there. and now i don't even have that back up. if i fall... i'm fucked. 

this has forced me to put up a hard, HARD shell. it takes a lot to crack through that i think now. it never used to be hard for me to make friends no matter where i went... but now, i have to be careful not to let myself falter at all... and so if someone wants to get to know me, i'm a little guarded. i don't know how to let that go. is this part of getting older in general? or am i just worse at hiding things than some people? i know for a FACT that i'm terrrrrible at lying. i wear my emotions on my face, in my voice... i can't hide the way i feel about things if i wanted to. 

these questions are the reason i think that therapy might not be a bad plan... but that requires me to get effing health insurance... which i can't afford. grrr. life is too expensive. 

i just don't understand why life, god, whatever, decided to take away two really really important people in my life. that helped shaped who i am. that i could bounce any idea off of and get a response that would make sense. 

i don't feel like i have ANYONE to do this with anymore. 

the worst part about all this. these emotions don't come pouring out of me all the time. it's not like i'm some depressed, emo chick. i live a relatively normal life. but every once in a while all these thought run through my mind, and i have a total emotional breakdown. sad thing. i don't have anyone to lean on here. i have me. and my dog. 

i'm just establishing a life for myself out here....all my friends are work friends. they all have significant others, which i completely understand they want to spend more time with them. but i just don't feel a strong friend connection with any of them out here. 

should i go back to florida where my job life was kind of miserable, but i had friends and things to do? do i stick it out here where i have my work friends that are fine sometimes, but no other outlet... 

i would really love an answer from my dad here. would really like to know what i should do. or some sort of advice here. 

my step-mom is too busy with her own life to help me make decisions. or idk... it's just not the same. 

my mom... doesn't even understand the concept of why i can't just live with her.... don't even get me started on my mom... there are reasons why i pretty much only talk to her on holidays... 

my sister... i have to give advice to. 

my step sister... love her to death, but she has a family of her own now to deal with... 

my step bro... i can barely even get him to respond to a text message... let alone bounce ideas off of him.

on top of all that i feel like no one in my family understands why i'm working and doing the job i do... so talking to them about it is hard to begin with... 

*sigh*

moral: i want my dad back goddam it. 

eff you, higher power. god. universe. 

you suck right now.

[michp55]

all i'm sayin

i'm not saying that every single thing you hear about that exercise helps with is true. however, i will say, it's been two days of doing really solid workouts and i've slept like a baby both nights. 

winning

[michp55]

holy sore legs

workout day #2.

did the eliptical for 20 minutes again. but pushed myself a little harder this time. i put on kesha and just rocked it out. but let me tell you, my legs feel like they can't move... 

i also did more of the dumbell workouts which were easier tonight, and some different kettlebell workouts which really worked my abs this time. 

i'm debating on if i want to also go back to my high school track routine of doing 200 pushups and sit ups every day. no matter what. i would say it can't hurt, but for sure it can. 

walking up the stairs to come write this afterwards made me want to die. my friends and i have decided to workout two days in a row then one day off... hopefully that's a good schedule. i'm sticking to it. seriously this time. 

again though, i'm not really keeping track of what i eat, how many calories, yada yada.... i just know that i'll fail at that miserably and then get down on myself for it. so again. one thing at a time. i need to stick with this workout schedule for the next three weeks at least before i can start adding extra things to think about. 

its so hard to keep thinking about how easy it used to be for me to jump on the elliptical for a good hour when i was in potsdam and just go for it every time. i need to get back to that. i was in such good shape then. if i can get back down to that weight i'll be super happy.

so that's the other thing i'm not doing as of right now is i'm not disclosing my weight yet. i just don't want to. i know that people like to see success stories all the time and whatnot but i don't want to have to weigh myself all the time. it either stresses me out OR it gives me waaay too much hope. if my weight varies by a few pounds in a day or two that gives me the hope that i'm losing weight... but then i'll stand on the scale the following day and find that i weigh like 3 or 4 pounds more than that... i just can't stand that pressure. thats one thing i know that gets me down.

i suppose it's good that at least i know that about myself by now.

i am really going for it though. i want to try to be able to fully run, no walking, and with decent time, an entire 5k race this year.

all you runners out there probably think "5k?? that's easy peesey"

well let me tell you, i HATE HATE HATE running. with a flaming passion. so if i can get myself to run 5k it will be miraculous. i didn't even run when i was in the best shape. its just not really for me. but i just want to do at least one race in my lifetime so i can say i did it and be proud of it. its something that my dad would've loved to see me do i'm sure. he ran marathons... like a crazy person.

not to discredit marathon runners, because i think that in order to run a marathon you have to have sooooo much dedication and its an incredible thing to do, but really... i don't feel like putting myself through torture. and for me... anything more than a 5k... would definitely be torturous.

ok done for the evening. have fun kids.  

[michp55]

WHHEEEE

ok. have officially started working out for the year. yes yes. half way through the month. whatever. at least i'm doing it!

tonights workout started with 20 minutes on the elliptical. Not very long, i know, BUT i haven't seriously worked out since college i think. which was a long time ago... so i have to start somewhere right? i didn't stop the whole 20 minutes, but i did have to slow down every few minutes. pushed myself at the end and then the last minute was cool down. then i did dumbell exercises. lots of different ones... 3 x 8reps for each thing. then i did some kettlebell exercises. and to finish off my roommate and i tossed a medicine ball back and forth. 

i'd say it was a pretty solid work out for the first one. my goal by the end of next week is to be able to do the full 20 minutes without slowing down at all on the elliptical. that's the goal. not a hard one... but i want it to be obtainable.  :) 

its also helps that my roommate is all about working out too. it always makes it easier to have a workout buddy. 

point is. i may not be able to move tomorrow. in a good way. 

hah

wheeeee!!!

[queyyy]

luckiest-cat

     so true 

[michp55]

issues

so my half-step-brother brought up a really interesting point... he said he feels like he's having a really hard time committing to things lately. this whole year that's how i've felt. 

literally this past year i've had 6 different jobs. 6!!! granted, one of them was just because the woman was crazy, and another i didn't want to leave but because of immigration laws it made it pretty impossible. but still.. six jobs is a lot for one year. 

he was telling me that he's heard a lot that it's part of the grieving process... i don't doubt that at all. the problem for me was that my dad died at a really crucial point in my life, where i was still in school, didn't know exactly what path i wanted my life to take, and put a lot of faith in him helping guide me through things. well. unfortunately he did die at that point in my life. i am incredibly thankful for all my amazing friends and family who have helped me along my journey after that, but it's never the same... his advice was the advice i always looked for... whether or not i took it all the time it was always in my head. he was the one person i could count on to push me to always being something a little better than i thought i could be. after he died that push went away. i think i've done a pretty solid job at pushing myself to bigger and better things thus far, however i think I'm at a point in my life where i need to stop and just enjoy my life. pushing myself is awesome, but i need to let go of that mindset that i always need to force myself to do better. 

it sounds kind of backwards i think. most people if that constant push to do better went away they would let things in their life slide. i'm not like that. never have been. never will be. so i push myself. i'm always looking for the next best thing. 

that includes just about everything in my life. my car, my job, any sort of relationship i might have. i'm certainly not the settling kind. 

all this being said, i'm trying to make this year the year that i stick to things. before i went home for christmas i had SERIOUSLY considered leaving california. i know. i know. i JUST got here. BUT i got a really good job offer from the girl from canada that i had worked for last spring and i loved working with that group. that was probably the best job i've had ever. so yeah. i considered it. but i got back from home, received my california license in the mail and thought to myself, i need to stay here. i need to, for once, settle down a little bit. i want to have somewhere that i can legitimately call MY home. MY job. MY life. 

so i'm doing it. 

now as for relationships... well i haven't been quite so lucky in that department. HOWEVER, i have always held really really high, unmeetable standards for guys that are to come into my life.... not the random hookups really, but the real people that i could actually start a relationship with. age limits, looks, they had to be tall, had to be funny, had to enjoy (at least enough to come with me) some of the same things i did, and the list went on. 

i can't say that this wish list of traits will be changing anytime soon, however, i at least know that bending a few of them to let someone in is a possibility. 

that's the other thing too. i used to be so open to meeting new people. i find the older i get the more closed off i am. i don't want a ton of new friends. i want to have a close group of friends that i can just be myself around. my only problem with that is that everyone that i've made friends with out here i also work with. and they all already have significant others. soooo that makes things complicated. that was part of the reason why i was so looking forward to having stephen as a friend out here. :/ but apparently he now has a "sort of girlfriend" too. who, mind you, is too insecure to be able to let him come see a movie with me, as a friend. 

sure, there were feelings there. there still might be to an extent. but if its been this long and he's ALWAYS known that i had feelings for him, and he hasn't acted on it at this point, why bother? so friend zone. that is all he is to me. which is fine. 

but even he said the same thing when i asked him to bring along some of his hot marine friends... they are all in a relationship at this point apparently :( soooo i have no single people at all. i live in one of the most populated areas in the country and i cant seem to find a single guy who's my age, relatively good looking, has a good sense of humor and is relatively normal?? what the fuck is wrong with me?? 

sigh. 

anyway. that's my rant for the evening. the point is that i need to just live life. not take moments for granted. and be a little more open. 

[michp55]

sleepy sleepy sleepy

so haven't started yet. with the c25k that is. we've been crazy busy at work, lesson wise. the groom part of my day has been pretty mellow which is nice... but lessons have been packed full. not a bad thing, but tiring for sure. teaching completely new beginners almost all the time gets a bit monotonous. don't get me wrong, i love my little little ones... i just would like a little variety once in awhile. mostly because i just say the same thing with every rider. "heels down, hands down, eyes up, up down up down, kick kick make them trot!" 

mmmmhmmmm that's me! :) 

i am incredibly thankful that i get to spend all day everyday outside with animals that i love, but i'm always looking for the next best thing. what can i do to make myself happier? why can't i just be 100% happy with what i have? things that i've been thinking a lot about lately. 

anyway. taught 5 lessons today. all beginners. all rode pretty well considering. no big issues.

woke up before the ass crack of dawn to braid Bentley for the horse show. 

now i'm home. all i want to do is sleep for an hour. and what? i can't. gahhhh. 

game night tonight with work friends. and then braiding again tomorrow morning. i think i'm going to try to get there early and then i'm going to come home to go back to bed. spend sunday not doing much of anything. even though we're supposed to have a meeting on sunday... i don't necessarily want to go to that... i might not... its not mandatory. i'm just exhausted... 

county horse show next weekend... plus lessons. means it'll be a long week of getting everyone ready and then a long weekend of trying to squeeze everyone in the schedule as possible. annnnnd i'm complaining again.

ok. trying to sleep now. maybe that's why i'm not happy. i need more sleep. k. here we go.

[michp55]

Happy New Year

so with the new year comes new and exciting adventures right? 

well i'm going to sound a bit lame here like the rest of the world and say this is the year that i'm going to start a work out routine and really stick to it. i'm not however saying that i'm going to try to change my eating habits. i feel like trying to change everything all at once is why i end up failing at things. and lets face it. who doesn't like food? haha. but really. i want to start running. i wish i had a buddy here who would do this with me... both my roommates are in good shape and probably wouldn't want to wake up so early to work out with me. they have a good deal of equipment here, but i think that i need to try running. i'm considering joining a gym if not just for the social interaction... maybe i can find a workout buddy there. i've also considered putting a post on the Circle app to see if anyone responds with any good ideas. i just have a hard time paying so much for something unless i know for sure that i'm going to get my money's worth out of it. every other time i've signed up at a gym i go for like a week... and then i fail miserably at life. so we'll see. i'm going to try the C25K app thing.. it looks easy and i feel like since it is an every day thing if i miss a day i'm going to have an insanely hard time catching up, THEREFORE don't miss a day! 

anyway. hopefully that all works out for me.

in other news, i'm going to start writing the blog for the barn i work at! which i'm super pumped about. i miss writing for real. i can write on here and i probably sound like i'm twelve, but i do actually know how to write well, and miss doing it. so keep an eye out for that on bridgesequestrian.net :)  we're awesome. check us out :)

i've also resolved to get back to having more fun time for myself. i want to go out more. maybe not to the extent of getting wasted and being hungover on a daily basis, but i want to make new friends out here. and preferably not just ones i work with. that's not to say that the friends that i've made that i work with aren't great, because they are, buuuut i think that i need to branch out. have my own group of friends. i've never had an issue with making friends so why should i now right? i just need to put myself out there more. 

another resolution is to read more. my roommate and i were just talking about starting a book club, which i'm allllll about right now. i love reading and discussing books that i've read with other people. i miss being in school soooo much. 

maybe i should make that a resolution too.... go back to school... 

i should probably slow down a bit... i feel like i might be getting ahead of myself. i need to make reasonable goals for myself this year before i get into the really big ones. 

i have another goal in the back of my mind also, but i'm not even going to speak of that one until it might actually happen. its not worth getting my hopes up that much... i need to do a lot of planning before i can make it happen. it may not happen for a few years... 

anyway, if anyone has any good suggestions on how to stick to goals and resolutions i would love to hear about them :) 

i'm off to work!!