#bellic waves

[thekintsugidyke]

how can you be the jester when it always feels like you have to explain your jokes

[thekintsugidyke]

said I was gonna do it and here it is! can’t hardly believe myself. imagine if people could have blogs for journaling and mainly writing interspersed with fandom posting? oh yeah live journal yeah we had that.

no specific theme or topic, mostly just really been wanting somewhere to post the most coherent of my notes app rambles and delusions and feel like they’re actually being poured out of me instead.

not tagging any mutuals but you’re all more than welcome to not only follow but comment! act like it’s 2012 and be overfamiliar with me! let’s overshare and overanalyse together! tell me how insane I can be so we can laugh through the horrors!

@dirtyshirtgrrl · MEGALOMANIAC DREAMS

in a world where live journal still existed,

[dirtyshirtgrrl]

do you pay attention?

do you see all the small candid ways i give myself to you? share what im made of in the most offhanded way hoping you’ll get what I’m saying. it’s never between the lines, never subtext. always as straight to the point, as direct as I can.

And yet.

[thekintsugidyke]

any way I love words and sentences and meanings and double entendres and metaphors and signs I just wish I could still tie them up and knit them around each other with the same ease I used to. doesn’t just feel like I’m rusty, more like the connectors in my brain have been fried. doesn’t really matter which language I’m trying to write in, at some point sooner or later my head will begin to hurt words will literally fail me and the hard drive will overload. I truly miss writing but it’s never been this difficult before and I’ve always been a lousy whiny crying quitter.

[thekintsugidyke]

just added jawbreaker to my ongoing gcest playlist I guess

[thekintsugidyke]

so much virgo and always unable to stop looking at the big picture. always too aware.

[thekintsugidyke]

writing makes me feel like crying and no matter how fast i type, think or write it'll never be able to keep up with my mind and least of all my feelings. speeding through the speed of light. the underdogs came home. is there hope for taking it all out of me? will i ever be able to write and pour it out in a way that satisfies my soul and the way i'm feeling, the feelings swirling and swimming in my chest. like a dog locked in its cage, never getting enough affection or attention to satisfy. but how much is enough to satisfy?

[thekintsugidyke]

i'm too drunk and high for this and this is the only place that feels like writing. may be just too drunk to keep writing. i keep yearning for angst but them i run away from it like the plague. the final six songs in california always get to me and i keep running away from it. running away from me. sometimes i don't know if what i'm writing is what i feel or what feels most cohesive for the narrative. lost myself in my own tale. like a dog chasing it's own tail. the only time i feel alive is when i find something i would die for. living for the moment.