#ben's text

[lost-boy-ben]

I can’t figure out if watching next to normal yet another time is self care or self destruction

[lost-boy-ben]

the actual most heartbreaking and insanely timed thing happened today and I need to vent about it before I break down.

today would’ve been my 2 year T anniversary. except for the fact that, a few months ago, my brain decided to fuck itself and stop letting me do my injections. it’s common knowledge that I have a terrible needle phobia, but I got through several weeks no problem (previously I was just doing the gel). I kept saying I would try again but I continued to push it off because when I would try, I would have a panic attack. I didn’t want to switch back to the gel because I spent a good bit of money on my injections and I have a lot of vials. I didn’t want to waste them and I was convinced that one day, I’d be okay to do it again.

fast forward to today. I’m at work, my stomach is hurting in a very strange way, and I go to the bathroom to find out my period came back. after months of no hrt, it comes back on. the. anniversary. just my luck.

I feel horrible. obviously I’m in pain because I haven’t had to deal with this in 2 years (my period stopped literally a week after getting on testosterone, but it was always light). but mentally, this is really hard for me. to come back on a day that I should be celebrating my journey, especially during pride month, is doing some fucked up shit to my emotional state.

I’m going to try again tonight. I have to. my mental health has been terrible without my hrt, but this is a whole other level.

I am not somebody who thinks every trans person has to be a certain way. you don’t have to medically transition to be valid. trans men are allowed to have periods. but in my specific case, I’ve just been feeling like I’m going backwards. and this is a very tangible sign that my fears are right.

[lost-boy-ben]

guess I’m 20 now

[lost-boy-ben]

I was tagged by @thepotterslived <3333

tagging: @dont-feel-quite-right @notexactlystraight @acuriousravenpuff @dw-sh-lotr-hp-ouat-ff-st-sg @highlady-ofthe-summercourt @recoverywithcoral @kylar-black @busymakingwaves @booksarethebestbae @han-the-fabulous-killjoy

rules: bold what you prefer and tag 10 people

coffee or tea

early bird or night owl

chocolate or vanilla

spring or fall

silver or gold

pop or alternative

freckles or dimples

snakes or sharks

mountains or fields

thunderstorm or lightning

egyptian or greek mythology

ivory or scarlet

flute or lyre

eyes or lips

witch or fairy

opal or diamond

butterflies or honeybees

macaroons or eclairs

typewritten or handwritten letters

secret garden or secret library

rooftop or balcony

spicy or mild

opera or ballet

london or paris

vincent van gogh or claude monet

denim or leather

potions or spells

ocean or desert

mermaid or siren

masquerade ball or cocktail party

[lost-boy-ben]

was tagged by @dw-sh-lotr-hp-ouat-ff-st-sg

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

@recoverywithcoral @notexactlystraight @acuriousravenpuff @thepotterslived @dont-feel-quite-right @busymakingwaves @skullyloli @kobrakid23 @shelikesladies

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true

APPEARANCE:

I am 5'7" or taller

I wear glasses

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or have had braces

PERSONALITY:

I love meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

ABILITY:

I can sing well (I’ve been told so, don’t know if I really believe them)

I can play an instrument

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well

I have a good memory

I’m good at doing math in my head

I can hold my breath underwater for under a minute

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch

I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss

I have had alcohol

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting

I have been at an overnight event

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIPS:

I have a crush on a celebrity

I have a crush on someone I know

I have been in at least 3 relationships

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them

I get crushes easily

I have had a crush on someone for over a year

I have been in a relationship for at least a year

I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close to my school

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling

I live in the united states

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend in the past month

I have a smartphone

I have at least 15 CD’s

I have dyed my hair

I share my room with someone

RANDOM STUFF:

I can speak pretty good Spanish

I’m very emotional and cry too much

I have a cat and a dog

[lost-boy-ben]

I actually hate that I did this but honestly fine

[lost-boy-ben]

THE DEATH NOTE MOVIE ON NETFLIX IS BULLSHIT BUT IS THAT GONNA STOP ME FROM REBLOGGING NUMEROUS POSTS ABOUT IT??? FUCKING N O

[lost-boy-ben]

An Imitation of Ross Gay’s Poem “Catalog of Unabashed Gratitude”

Friends, associates, brothers-in-arms,

today we have gathered because I awoke from a dream -

or rather a period of dissociation -

in which a cow,

its hide reminiscent of the Rorschach inkblots

favored by my childhood therapist,

regarded me with its wise eyes and declared,

in the rich molasses baritone of one Morgan Freeman,

to “Bellow forth an orchestra of thanks,”

and thus, I begin -

First and foremost, I give thanks

to my tree-like limbs, which allow me

to dangle, like the grapes before Tantalus,

those objects I desire to keep from

my girlfriend’s grasp, that wretched gremlin!

And to my mammoth penis -

or lack thereof -

I am grateful, as is the delicate flower

between my lover’s legs

and my own cognitive abilities,

which surely function better without such a burden.

And to my shitty father -

if such a term can be used here -

I declare a triumphant “Fuck you,”

for your absence saved me from long nights

of second-hand smoke and heroin needles

and endless Tom Petty.

And to the decade of intimate violations

that causes me to double-check over my shoulder

whenever I sense perverse glances my way,

you now keep me safe.

And to my abusive exes,

who were all able to conduct such a crescendo

but could never end with a flourish,

a sincere thank you for wasting my time.

The Morgan Freeman cow, I am sure,

will visit me again -

as a gentle reminder that I should be thankful

for my life, though it is a burdened one,

to which I will reply,

“No shit.”