#benting

[bitchboylinus]

maybe i headcanon ben as autistic bc he's my Character and i'm autistic but maybe it's because, no matter how hard he tries, there's something about him that makes him inherently Unworthy, and he's aware of that but he can't change it

[garretthawkes]

turning 20 was super bittersweet for me honestly because this is not at all where i pictured i would be in terms of my art when i was younger. i remember being 15 and looking at older artists and thinking “wow i can’t wait til i’m that good!! good thing i have a few years of practice til i’m their age!!!” but now HERE I AM and i’m just. not nearly as good as i want to be?? like what did i spend my time doing instead of trying to improve??? i know art isn’t supposed to be a race but i keep finding artists who are years younger than me but miles ahead. i want to draw for fun again but i cant dispel the looming feeling that i’m so, so far behind my ideal. this pressure combined with my consistent failure to engage people with my art on social platforms has completely shaken what little confidence i had before and it’s making me miserable. i’m breaking my own freakin heart

[ibrethhere]

Okay so I'm going back to work on 6th sept, all good (says in meltdown) but they are telling me I've got to work two hours and cant do my last year one and half hours shift. So ill finish at 15:00, the problem is my stupid school has the most bullshit timetable, so they want to start classes at 14:00 this year. je je je, (Screaming in disbelieve) Last year classes started, somedays, at 14:30, which made things really complicated for a lot of people. We ate at public transport, or in the school hallways or classrooms, some old fashion teachers didn't like that. Our teachers came late, because they had to finish their lunch too. Basically, the school is fucking us all. And it's supposed to be an afternoon schedule witch most of the schools start at 15:00. Ajjjjj (screaming in student life injustice)

[garretthawkes]

i’m sorry if any of you have noticed my prolonged absence!! thank you to anyone who followed me during that time, although i might not be online until after the semester is finished. i’m generally more active on my instagram (@k.bent)!! the truth is, this has been my hardest semester at school yet, and it isn’t getting easier or better, and i haven’t exactly been okeydokey.

i have absolutely no downtime. my entire week is just class, homework and an ever-present feeling of dread that only intensifies as my weekend work shifts approach. i’m really starting to realize how crucial the small amount of time i had to myself last semester was to my mental health. i feel like i can’t focus on anything anymore, the quality of my schoolwork is rapidly deteriorating, and i’m constantly being plagued by awful invasive thoughts. my face looks like a hellscape because i’ve been picking it to bloody, painful, infected pieces, and i’ve been crying more and more and i don’t know what to do. my friends and boyfriend are so wonderful, and they make me so happy, and i thought i was in a good place with my mental health, but i’m just not okay. i’m terrified of the future and i can’t stop thinking about all of the horrible things that might happen. this is the first time in a long time that i’ve heard my mind telling me that i’m better off dead, and i don’t know how to make it stop. i don’t know why i’m doing anything that i do anymore. i’m not happy with who i am or how i look or what i create. i get more validation for my art from passing strangers on the internet than i get from the people i consider myself close to in real life. maybe i don’t make good art because i know i’ll never become a good artist. i think maybe everyone around me sees that, too, and it makes them unwilling to support me. it’s getting harder and harder to want to pursue my dream when it feels like no one in my life believes in me. i go to school and suffer through critiques and make throw-away projects only to wonder what i’m doing it all for. i can’t remember the last time my family even acknowledged my art or my choice of career path. maybe i’m just wasting everyone’s time and money, as well as my own. i just wish someone believed in me enough for me to want to keep going. i just want a sign that all of this is worth it. i want to be worth it.

[garretthawkes]

im so upset and miserable rn i dont want to go to work

i get so nervous before every single shift and i feel im constantly on the verge of tears im so nauseous and i feel like im suffocatinfg i just feel like i mess everything up every day

[garretthawkes]

i feel like absolute shit today. like i feel like something is about to go horribly wrong and im just so sad and anxious and shaky and i dont understand

[garretthawkes]

i just really freaking miss the times when someone asked me how i was and i could honestly say "great" because everything just felt so happy and right and perfect. i never felt anything except for great. and now i can barely even say that im okay because at the end of the day im still stuck crying in bed or in the bath tub because i feel so worthless. at the end of the day i still want to break or throw things because i fucked everything up so badly and at the end of the day i still feel like i want to jump off a goddamn bridge. sometimes i feel like i want to literally die and i dont think hes anywhere near upset about it anymore and that just makes me feel like i want to die even more. im so fucking pathetic