For Renée
I had a manager that was, in a word, useless. Not only was he technically Not Good at the role he held (CAO) but he was really very awful at the leadership side of things. He had no idea how to communicate. No grasp on clarifying goals or expectations for his staff, inspiring them. Not an exemplary individual in any way, shape or form. I was content for a long while because I could leapfrog ahead of him and get what I needed from his superior, but that changed when she left and I paid the price for that, big time. I still count that as the biggest mistake I've made in the last 10 years. It was my bad.
We discussed that once, he and I. He completely admitted his bitterness over the close relationship I formulated with his boss, and was baldly factual about what he'd done to ensure I was not seen or heard or valued by her replacement when she was gone. Oh yeah, this guy was a real treat.
He did use a phrase once that stayed with me. He told me that I needed to "learn how to manage both up and down".
Let's set aside that he was functionally telling me I needed to learn how to deal with the fact he was utterly incompetent and actively working against allowing me to credibly do my job. Forget that he was basically saying, "I suck, deal with it." The sentence stuck with me. Learn how to manage up and down. I was really good at managing down, I knew that much. How the fuck do you manage up?
What I struggled with was the injustice of the situation. He was fully admitting to his suckitude. Owning it, like a boss. Perhaps even enjoying it, who knows?
Didn't change the fact I had to deal with it.
I stewed over that for a long, long time, I tell you. How is it that someone is able to admit that they are bad at what they do, acknowledge that what they do impacts others in demonstrably negative ways and not actively work to better themselves? How does that happen? Why is this allowed to happen? I shouldn't have to manage up! They are there to help me, aren't they? I need to write a letter!
I could have chosen to deal with it in many ways, and you might argue that I chose poorly, and I might not be able to refute that. But this post really isn't about what I did or didn't do.
This post is about realizing that yeah, it sucks. He shouldn't have been a dick. Your parents shouldn't suck. The truth, however, is that lots of them do. It doesn't even matter, really, whether they know they suck or not. The only power is in realizing that you have a choice in how you deal with it, actively making one, and moving along that path.
That old saying that you can pick and choose your friends but you are stuck with your family? Untrue. You pick and choose how you deal with any person you encounter, whether peripherally or every day when you open your eyes. Realizing you have a choice is hard. What is even harder is making a choice, articulating why you've chosen it (if necessary) and then sticking to it.
I can tell you, though, from personal experience that once you do those things, once you choose, draw whatever line needs to be drawn and stick to it, the relief is immediate. Immediate.
My Dad's wife is pure poison on legs. That woman is Toxic. He knows it, he chooses her anyway, whatever, not my deal. What I did end up having to tell him is: I love you. I want to keep my relationship with you. I want you to be grandfather to my children. But you need to leave her at home. Always. Come visit, alone. We'll come see you if she is not there. Call if she is out of earshot. If you can't do that, I don't want to hear from you.
He chooses not to do any of that. Does it hurt? Yeah. A lot. A LOT. But living without him is a lot easier on me, on my children, than getting what we can from him and having to protect ourselves from her. It simply isn't worth it.
Do not be afraid to draw your own boundaries for a friend, family, supervisor, staff, dude beside you on the bus. Be articulate about what they are, don't explain your reasons if you don't want to. I find it's a trap to do that; just saying 'I've decided' is enough. It is. You know you've been careful and reasonable and you are being true to yourself. It is enough. Explain the consequences of breaching your boundaries. Stick to them.
It's hard. Really fucking hard. But it's worth it.
ETA: Doing this with parents seem to be the hardest. I mean, these are the people that helped form us. It shouldn't be necessary. But sometimes it is. It's hard, and it's no fucking joke.
