#bess rambles

[a-tiny-bess]

I know this needs to be expanded on but lately I've been starting to think that the Narrow Way Jesus talks about that so many people miss isn't so much the external commandments we have to follow as it is about just letting yourself relax into God's arms over and over and over and over.

Cuz for me at least that's the actual hard part. I can change behaviors all i want with enough motivation and self-flagellating but the actual hard part, the part that makes it feel like I'm dying and ripped apart and crucified and then coming to new life again, is being vulnerable with God, being open to him, hearing of his love for me, realizing that He is Lord but I am not, acknowledging that I am made of dust but that I am also precious, beloved, made for glory.

Like why does no one talk about this—the fact that letting yourself be loved is just so hard? So humiliating and so empowering all at once? Why do I cringe whenever someone, anyone tells me unabashedly that they love me? That is the real enemy, that fear of being loved.

"Humble yourself in the sight of the LORD, and he will lift you up."

[bessrecommends]

New Moonbyul song out! It's good! I doubt it's a song that will "stick" for me, but I will say, I'm glad she's back to a darker concept like "Eclipse." Maybe it's personal taste but I strongly disliked most of her releases since then. Of course experimentation is good, but the brighter, quirkier concept just felt forced and unconvincing, and I felt the songs were mediocre. (Although, "Selfish" is not bad at all so maybe C.I.T. etc just weren't executed well? Or maybe Moonbyul's chemistry with Seulgi is what allowed "Selfish" to work—her darker energy got to balance with Seulgi's sweetness and the overall bubbliness).

(I know I'm just trying to justify my arbitrary dislike of most of her songs lol, but that's what this blog is for haha)

Yknow what it's probably a silly opinion and I'm realizing I didn't know how much Moonbyul has released in the last year or so that I haven't caught up on, so my mind on all of this might change haha

[blotchwitch]

plus-sized butches that r covered in tattoos ???? can i get a 🤤🤤🤤🤤

[a-tiny-bess]

It's so so cheesy but so so true that the point of everything is love.

Like the point of all of this is that God loves us. And he wants us to love Him back and love each other.

I say this specifically to remind myself of what's important when I am feeling scrupulous, or weighed down by worries about my own moral failings.

The point of this religion isn't to make you feel bad, especially not incurably bad. The point is that you are curable. And even more important than that, that you're loved.

That is the center of everything. If you have not love, you have nothing.

[a-tiny-bess]

I just wanna be an author and a poet and a scholar and a composer and a singer and an artist and a professor and a director and a

[a-tiny-bess]

I just saw an Instagram reel of a guy who seems to be in the same place I was about a year ago, trying to decide/discern between churches and crying from the confusion of it all because of how different churches claim to be the only means of salvation and idk. It made my heart break a little bit because I remembered what it was like to feel that way. I've been doing so so well lately, but I felt the same way as him not long ago, the same confusion bordering on despair, and mental wars that feel like they won't ever end. I hope he gets out of this dark spot. I'll pray for him.

[a-tiny-bess]

relationship ramble !!

I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, somewhat spontaneously, and with each new day that comes I feel sadder but also more relieved.

On the one hand, I'm so free now. I don't have to plan my future around him, or try to defend his negligent behavior, or agonize over whether he truly understands me (or at least would understand me enough to care for me as a husband), or worry that our respective dreams for the future won't actually cohere. It's almost dizzying, how free I feel. I think it was the right thing to do.

At the same time, I wonder at myself for it. I liked him for so so long, and he was my best friend. Our relationship had its tensions but they were so easy to put aside, when he was my sunshine, my first "kindred spirit", my safe space.

But so much distance came in these last few months when we were both so busy and far apart. I realized I didn't even think about him much from day to day. I realized on March first at 1am that I did in fact want to break up. It just didn't make sense anymore.

Even then it feels so strange. Like I took a very definite right turn from one part of the multiverse to another. Like I've caused a very big change and the choice wasn't necessarily wrong or right but it's unalterable and now there's a void slowly opening in my life where he was. So much stuff has to adjust.

I'm so busy with college that I think it's been hitting me slowly, almost in waves. But it's really been hitting me this week. Not even just the fact that I miss him, but also the realization, searing and insufferable, that I do still really want romance. I do still want a man, dammit. Even though career and calling-wise I know that practically, this is not a good time for me to seek romance, and that even if I did "seek" it realistically I wouldn't find it soon, I yearn after it anyway.

Because it was nice to have. Not even just the romance, but the stability of having someone to rely on, someone so different and yet so similar to me.

I don't mean to sound all weird or preachy but there's a way that as a woman there is a certain opening up of myself and my personality that only occurs around a trusted man, a kind of fullness of femininity in how I am able to experience the world and express myself. I got to experience that to its fullest extent so far in my relationship with my boyfriend. Now I don't have a person to open myself up to in quite that way. (Well, I do have one Person, but I'll get to that in a second). I also know that if I did get a new boyfriend, it would probably be an awkward and painful process for me to learn how to open up all over again.

So now I am just wondering what will become of me. I have plenty to do to keep myself occupied, plenty of work and friendships and adventures to have that at least for now will always take priority over any romantic relationships. This has always been the case, and I'm very grateful for it. I have a strong sense that God wants me to take time to explore my creative/social interests and that is one reason why I don't plan on getting married for a while. (Because marriage=kids. I love kids and would love to have them, but they will make a creative/intellectual life much harder).

But I know that it will be difficult. Because now as I walk around the campus I can't help noticing guys I know who seem sweet and smart and sincere and/or honestly just handsome and thinking "oh... what if...." (Particularly this one guy in my friend group who is just such a kind and earnest person and I've been letting myself think about him way too much).

Anyways, I know this is something to work out with God, and that Jesus more than anyone else is the Man upon whom I can depend, with whom I am the fullness of myself of a woman. I know that in my head, but I need to learn to know and practice it more fully. And I need to figure out how to conduct myself in the social sphere in regards to these issues.

This is not a source of urgent distress for me, but it is something I will have to think through, pray through, work through. If you see this and would like to help work through it with me, by praying for me or offering any advice, by all means do so. I am just trying to process it all... all the strangeness of living...

[a-tiny-bess]

humanity's love for the Andy Griffith show transcends all social boundaries