If there's anything I learned these past three days, it's that I spent 5 years knowing I was sapphic but thinking I was pan.
Then doubt set in a few months ago, just a little seed that said "but what if you're a lesbian, and you're only holding on to pansexuality because it still gives you an out. That you can have a heterosexual relationship and your family won't judge you?"
But I just treated this like I treat intrusive thoughts and buried it. I went "Nah, I'm pan because I know I've liked men before."
But have I liked guys before? I remember I forced myself to have crushes in elementary school because it felt normal to have a crush on any guy I thought was easy to look at and talk to. But I've never yearned for a guy, a real guy and not a celebrity the way I've yearned for actual, (sorta) attainable, non-celebrity girls. Heck, in kindergarten I had a little crush on this woman who was young and I think an intern from the high school probably, and I was like "if I were a man, I'd want to marry her."
(Yeah I don't know how I could think that and then be surprised later on that I like girls 🤷🏽♀️)
Anyway, I don't want to ramble. But when I finally gave myself a mental slap and said "face it, you don't really feel anything for guys. You don't want to be with them. But you have always felt that way toward girls," man it felt good to realize the truth about myself. Well, I say good but honestly it feels like an out of body experience when I acknowledge it, but I know behind that pang of anxiety is the truth.
And though my pansexuality was just a result of comphet, I want all my bi and pan folks to know that you guys are valid and radiant and deserve happiness. Same goes for my nonbinary friends. I don't subscribe to the "real woman" mentality of TERFs, I just know that I'm not attracted to people who identify as male
Happy pride month. Stay safe 🏳️🌈
