There was a song not too long ago (ok, fine, it was a while ago) entitled “Don’t Save Her.” The lyrics (save for the more graphic content) were essentially: “Don’t save her she don’t wanna be saved, don’t save her.” And while this was predominantly about not attempting to change a sexually promiscuious woman into a more stereotypically conservative housewife, the concept never seemed far from the truth in other contexts. Why do we invest energy into other adults that are fine with their own lives? And what does that say about the person who is attempting to change the behaviors of another adult?
What I have noticed amongst Big Kids is the affinity to redirect their energy from fixing their own issues into the curing of the problems of others around them to deflect from their own problems. The irony is that if you ask the majority of Big Kids, they will either deny that they are behaving in this fashion or wouldn’t have even thought about the fact that there was emotional deflection happening. For the few people that are aware of the actions they are taking, the common dialogue ends up being: “I can always fix other people’s lives, I just can’t seem to get mine right.”
From what I have seen, there are two reoccurring themes:
The reality is that when people are running from their own problems the tendency is to find comfort in the fact that another person is struggling. The reality that you are not alone is enough, consciously or subconsciously, to continue to support day to day productivity despite your own personal emotional immobility. Misery Loves Company is the old saying but in reality misery or some version of discontent can only survive in a person that is trying to sustain day to day life by having the affirmation that another person is experiencing like circumstances.
A NEED FOR A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT
Additionally, it’s helpful to feel as though you have accomplished something by helping someone else even though the reality is that you are looking for an outlet from yourself. Finding the sense of accomplishment elsewhere alleviates the feeling if helplessness that can be jarring. Additionally, the benefits are only momentarily helpful. It can begin simply with just allowing yourself to focus on the life of a friend and helping them with their problems actively taking time away from the things that we know that we need to be handling. It is also seen time and time again in parenting where the parent is redirecting their failed experiences or missed opportunities onto their children.
The settings can range but the issue lingers…ignoring yourself because it’s too hard to deal with.
So, Are you a Cap’n Save A HOE Another Person?
Probably! In most cases, we all find some form of satisfaction in ignoring our own issues for the immediate high of helping another or simply knowing that you are not the only person with the issue. But let me be clear, just because its happening doesn’t make it ok. THIS BEHAVIOR HAS TO STOP!
Help yourself FIRST. No matter where you go, no matter how hard you try to find value in yourself behind the lives of others, you will still at some point have to deal with the only thing that is truly yours: YOUR LIFE. Spending time helping everyone else can be grand. You will have friends and momentary happiness but you will still come back to needing more than simply an escape. Spend time with those friends discussing your feelings but also plotting solutions about how you can rectify the problems. While we are all simply kids inside, the toll of time allows us to be the driver as to whether we will deflect our problems or procrastinate with dealing with them. We need to focus on ourselves before we can attempt to help anyone else. In a nutshell, Dont Save Her… Save Yourself.
