Dear Men, Forgive Your Mama
More and more I meet the most impressive young men, mostly in their late twenties to mid thirties that seem normal on the surface but after a few conversations especially about women, intense reactions towards otherwise simple topics unveil a deeper issue. After a series of conversations, it became apparent that there were lingering conflicts with their mothers. Many of whom I had met and who seemed to be more than reasonable women and definitely loving parents. So I was conflicted, what was causing the contention with women? Why was this apparently loving mother leading to such negative affects in the ways in which people are being hurt by these inherently good guys.
While there is a lot of research out in the internetwebs about the impact of parental behavior I will quickly highlight a few of the areas where I’ve seen commonalities. the are struggling with sincere amounts on internal conflict and concealed confidence issues. At first glance, the impression is that the young man is socially awkward or to the other extreme cocky and overly confident. Most of them relate to women in a manner that is explicitly domineering to compensate for the lack of voice they had while they were younger. This could also occur if the image they had of their parents placed, the father in a more submissive role to the mother and the father was passive aggressive to the situation. Again let me repeat, I am speaking only of situations that were not emotional or physically abusive. Just led by a domineering , overbearing, insert less than pleasant word here, mother.
Well, here’s my public plea: GET UP, GROW A PAIR, and FORGIVE YOUR MOM.
I know this sounds heartless, but this is part of the issue. Outside of abuse, most mothers are inherently overbearing. They have spent the past however many years of their lives, caring for and in many cases obsessing over you. Most behave that way because they are overwhelmingly in love with you, their child. They were trained into doing that the day you came home as a fragile infant and it became their responsibility to ensure that you didn’t just survive but also thrive into the man you are today.
Now, does this make their behavior acceptable? Not at all. But at this point you are the one reading this. You are the one that needs to take control of life and behaviors. You are the one who will carry these behaviors into friendships, romantic relationships and parenthood. So take a second, breathe, and appreciate that the power of being a Big Kid is that you can make a change for yourself.
Understand that you didn’t feel enough love, affirmation, support, or whatever it is from the mother you had. Accept that the past is gone and you cannot change that but that your present and future life are real and amenable to being crafted the way you want it.
Second, realize that for as much that hurt you are feeling, the reality is that you are hurting yourself. Whether your parent is alive or passed on, you cannot hold on to the fact that you wanted to be treated another way while expecting to live a fulfilled, emotionally freeing life. It just doesn’t work that way. You have to accept that you feel hurt and appreciate that sense of loss.
So from here you have two options:
Don’t forgive and make your life and all those you care about pretty uncomfortable.
Realize that adulthood affords you the opportunity to think and act on your OWN accord. With that said, you have the power and capability to be happy, loved and appreciated but only you can allow yourself that power by forgiving the woman that loved you a little bit too hard in the ways that did not work best for you.
areudirty
tangentwithtanner
turnnoffyourmind
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