yk. i never really actually write posts on this website, and i hardly come here anymore, but sometimes this place is good for relating to people and understanding my own issues. sometimes funny, sometimes real. i appreciate anyone who's even passively followed me tbh, it's so fun to come back to this place every now and then.
anyway, i wanted to see if i could reach out to the bipolar community on here. why does no one ever talk about how hard it is to bite the bullet and go back on a specific medication because it solidifies how screwed you truly are? one thing that scares me is the fact i will never be better. i mean i will be, mostly. i'll keep my stability, my security, this beautiful life ive built for myself even though it's stressful sometimes. but deep down, i'll always be this fragile emotional and moody being. deep down, underneath the medication, i'll always feel like a fraud, a fake. artificial. mainly bc i have to rely on pills to actually function as a normal human being. which idk why i think that. i never think that way about anyone else who is disabled, whether via physical or mental illness, or both. but when it comes to myself, i absolutely hate myself for all of it.
and what sucks is that this all feels like i'm doing the whole "im rejecting all meds bc im manic," but its not even that bc i truly do want to stay on my meds, i just want to see progress with my medicine regime. its really just genuinely so hard to accept that i have to go back on progress i thought i'd made. i have two medications that im still on that work great, and so does the third one when combined, but i thought i was so ready to drop the third one. that i could be better, or well, stable, without it. i wasn't ready. not yet. and my brain just tells me, maybe not ever. and that kills me.
but overall i know for a fact that i need, and actually want, to accept all of this and do what i need to to stay stable but it's. so difficult.
