#biscuit thoughts

[aerbiscuit]

Whenever I see people utilizing the heat of farts in a scenario, it’s usually to make things too hot. Overheating, dripping sweat, accentuating discomfort and overwhelming sensations. And while I’m sure that’s sexy to a lot of people, it just, uh, isn’t for me. Because I’m a sensitive lil guy who just likes feeling nice (and am sensitive to too-hot temperatures).

So instead, I offer: the warmth of farts as a relief.

It’s winter, and Person A is freezing. They’ve just come in from outside and the upper layer of skin for their face, ears, and whatever else was exposed to the elements still feels frozen through. Maybe the heater is still taking a while to kick in, so the inside of the house is cold too.

Fortunately, they know they have a full night of cuddling with Person B ahead of them. And Person B has been eating their favorite (gas-inducing) food all day.

Person A curls up behind B, with their face right in the line of fire, and sighs in relief as the farts roll out. Warm, thick clouds of gas flow from B and surround A like a loving embrace. They defrost while taking deep, loving sniffs, bringing some of that nice hot air inside of them.

[biscuitdragonwithastick]

I like how we can say [blank] HRT and everyone’s immediately on board.

Cow HRT? Yeah sure hormones that turn you into a cow.

Dragon HRT? Dragon transformation. Makes sense.

don’t even bat an eye.

[biscuitloaf]

[tired-biscuit]

sasori not being at all interested in a silly, time-consuming thing such as sex; all until he meets you........ his pretty, eager to learn apprentice. and then all of a sudden he's all dark glances that linger way too often for way too long, fed-up, prolonged sighs of agony and troubling thoughts that make him want to act as his hands guide your own along the smooth wooden edges of his latest project.

[aerbiscuit]

While I’m grateful for the new Tomodachi Life game giving me a way to make my favorite OCs fart, it’s a shame that it's limited to “proud farters.” To fully utilize the potential of customization options, we should give the action of farting its own set of quirks.

Just among my current OCs, aside from “Proud farter,” I can imagine there being:

Gasbag: Farts way more often than other Miis. The real question is “When aren’t they farting?” [This can be combined with other quirks]

Embarrassed farter: They’re embarrassed even when farting in an empty room. The shame is even greater in public.

Cute farter: Their farts are short, sweet, and trumpet-like. How can you be mad at that blushing face?

Thunder farter: Their farts will make Miis wonder if a storm is on the way. Standing too close is a hazard for your ears as well as your nose.

Lactose intolerant: Will only fart after eating dairy-based foods. [This can be combined with other quirks]

Annoyed farter: Just because this Mii has to fart doesn't mean that they’ll like it. Will look visibly annoyed at whatever’s coming out of them.

Sloppy farter: The sound effects for this Mii’s farts will make you want to give them a new pair of pants… [This can be combined with some, but not all, other quirks]

Among friends: The best sign of true friendship! This Mii will fart more among the people they’re close to. They will react positively if another Mii farts in kind.

Silent… : No sound louder than a hiss will come from this Mii’s behind.

… butt deadly: This Mii’s farts should come with a warning label. MIi’s within a certain radius will react with disgust. [This can be combined with other quirks]

[aerbiscuit]

Imagine having a romantic partner who will randomly stick their ass near your face and give you just enough time to register that they’ve asked, “Do my farts smell weird today?” before letting it rip on you.

[aerbiscuit]

I just read a post that said something like “It’s a good thing that sounds don’t stick to clothing like smells."

I couldn’t help but think of someone entering a room and blushing because, even though they had gone into the other room to let out a huge fart in private, everyone who gets within five feet of the seat of their pants can both smell traces of it and hear the faint echoes of the bassiest ass ripping.

[aerbiscuit]

I can’t remember if I’ve shared something like this before, so bear with me:

One of my jobs involves keeping up with neuroscience news. Over the past few months, I’ve been hearing about how the gut’s microbiome can reflect brain health. At the very least, changes in the microbiome can be associated with the risk of Alzheimer’s disease.

What if, for the sake of our silly stories, we take this a step further and say that certain other changes to the microbiome can protect against Alzheimer's?

One day, the scientific community announces that they have engineered the “perfect” gut microbiome to defend against practically all dementias. In a near-total percentage of test cases (when accompanied with proper sleep schedules and other healthy lifestyle choices), people who had this microbiome transferred into their digestive systems displayed a cognitive resilience that could have previously only been dreamed of. It’s still not perfect (a few people will develop a type of dementia no matter what), but as far as treatments go, it’s too effective to ignore or dismiss. It even has only one side effect!

… that side effect, however, is becoming insanely flatulent.

Bloating basically becomes the norm for people who undergo this treatment. The second most common sounds these people make are the unavoidable groans and gurgles as the gas builds and travels through them. The most common sound is from when that gas leaves. Even plain, bland food will create at least some gas, although it’ll be “manageable,” meaning that you’ll be able to act like you haven’t become a medically-engineered gasbag because you can hold it in until you’re alone. More complicated and high-fiber foods will make you so farty that it just can’t be held in. “Excuse me” will become your new catchphrase.

The bright side is that the microbiome doesn’t appear to negatively affect defecation. In fact, for people who had worse digestive systems to begin with, it’s an improvement: unless you make REALLY bad diet choices, that part of your life will be regular and painless. But the GAS...

Every person with access to this treatment now faces a ridiculous, yet impactful, choice: would you rather live your life with a normal-at-best dementia risk, or have a significantly low risk while living in a perpetual cloud of your own farts?