Just a confused gay over here ;n;
So I was watching this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPNAlS0bzFs by the lovely Cammie Scott and I replied this massive reply to someone’s comment about being Bisexual but having people telling them “oh you’re just doing this for attention” and they are debating themselves whether or not they even are because it’s all just so confusing. I would really love it if someone could just read my story and give me any advice you see fit? Or just comment on it?? I’m not sure what I’m even looking for.. maybe just to be heard? For someone to understand and just be like, “ah I see” or something? I really get how you feel!! It's sooo confusing! I have only dated guys before but only one relationship had ever lasted more than just a couple months, every other time I get SO over the relationship and I quite honestly start to not be able to stand the guy anymore. All the things they did that I thought was cute, or funny now annoyed me to no end and I couldn't even stand to be around them. Sounds really harsh but its true, it's so confusing and frustrating to have feelings for them at all if I'm only going to end up "hating" them later?? I can't tell if I'm forcing myself to like them without even being aware that I am? Maybe I'm trying so hard to find any guy that was cute enough and be like, eh- you'll do. ;/// I identify as Bisexual because I have had feelings, and still do (at least I think, after that rant above haha) for guys and realized I liked girls as well (this was only about a year ago), but my experience with girls is little to none and it actually makes me so sad. I really recently had an experience in a club where I kissed a girl and it was the most amazing thing, then she left with her friends and a guy quickly swooped in to talk to me and buy me a drink and i was SO overly aware that I was NOT into him. At all. I almost wanted to cry because I just wanted that girl to come back so I could spend my time with her instead of this frat boy trying to win me over with a cheap drink and a "I'm only here for one more day, you maybe wanna get out of here?" where I'm just like "oh no, I have to find my friends now. Bye." Then proceed to ditch him. It was kind of an eye opening experience, I'd gone to clubs before and been fine with guys but that day I was just so gay and sad.For a while I knew I liked girls and wanted to date one maybe, but I always went back to that thought of "oh but I'll definitely end up with a guy. I'll definitely have a husband and a family and that picture perfect 'white picket fence' life," blah blah blah. But recently, within the past month or so and after that night in the club lol, I've really allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to end up with a girl.. Or at least just not limit myself by securing my future and making me scared to even try anything because it might change the image I gave myself to work towards. Maybe I'm just scared of actually finding a girl I want to love for the rest of my life and that means I have to tell everyone about it.. I'm only out to my close friends, my family doesn't know. Even though I really do think my mom would be supportive, my dad is REALLY homophobic (at least towards mlm relationships.. It's that really bad, stereotypical toxic masculinity homophobic type) which really scares me. Also, the rest of my mom's side of the family is very Catholic and conservative and I just don't know how they'd react... I'm also the first and oldest grandkid/cousin out of all my relatives so I have always been the one everyone looks up to, I'm the golden child who doesn't party much or get into trouble who went to college and is even studying abroad, "she's doing so great! She's perfect and amazing blah blah blah" - and I'd hate to just.. ruin their view of me? I'd hate for it to change even if they did accept me...I'm not sure... Thx for anyone who read this! ;n;