There's a version of me that exists in canon, one that's actually happier than my canon self had ever been before. He's technically the "future" version of me. I only used to be funny because I was bitter and sad and at the end of my rope, but this version of me is funny because he's earnestly trying to be (and he's sometimes even funnier when he isn't even trying).
But… No one likes him.
Thing is, I act more like him than my old self, because I've been healing from my source trauma, same way he did. So when fans, fictionkin, fictives, talk about how funny I used to be, how cool I was, how they assassinated my character by writing my future self that way, I just think… Did you really like me better when I was a depressed, traumatised, bitter mess?
This is a choice. I could go back to my old ways, but I won't. I choose to wake up and see the bright side, I choose to be a kind and bright presence in my system, I choose to make silly jokes instead of ones half-concealing anger.
It's really just another reason I don't look for sourcemates.
-B
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