I had always kept him at arm's length. Until the moment where he needed me most. I caved for him then. Just for him. I miss him all the time
It wasn't really the done thing for newly sworn in knights to start chasing the tail of a blacksmith that had a good number of seasons on them. I reminded him of that every time he came down to the forge with a dopey smile and a trivial task for me to complete. But he was so direct in his affections. So forward in desiring my attention. I love a little thing that knows what it wants. So I wrapped him round my finger, and I wrung him out to dry
I was all too happy to keep him a plaything until he started writing me poems. Lovesick sonnets of borrowed prose and clunky metaphor. I hated that. Didn't want a bar of it. He earned his nickname from his last poem. Self important boasts of his heart being larger than that of a champion racehorse. I gripped his chin and told him he was nothing but an over eager colt. So the poems stopped. And the sex really should've stopped too. But I told myself it would be fine. He was old enough to wield a blade, he could handle a little heartbreak. Why was I ever so cruel?
He slept in my tent the night before it happened. The battlefield was truly no place for him. His training hadn't prepared him for the reality of death. Of decay. Of disease. Even though I'd declined his advances for more so many times, he still came back to me. Crawled into my arms for comfort. Let me use him so long as I would hold him close. Acknowledge him for something other than a tool of war. I saw too much of him that night. Too much fear. Too much anguish. I didn't have the heart to send him back to the tents of the militia after we finished. I held him as he sobbed and pretended I was asleep
Everything happened so fast. Too fast. And yet it feels like that moment stretched on forever. Like it's still stretching on now. The moment he was struck with the first enemy arrow when he was returning from a scout. I witnessed it from the hill. We all did. And by the time we had made it down to his body, he looked more like Sebastian than the man I knew. But I was no Irene. I could not heal those wounds. It tore me apart to see him befall the same fate as the patron who was meant to keep him safe
He was panting when I scooped him into my lap. I hushed him, knowing his lungs were soon to fill with blood. I pressed my forehead to his. My colt. My colt. How did this happen to you? It must've taken all the strength in his body to lift his hand to my cheek. He looked me in the eye and asked me to marry him when we were home. I broke then. Sobbed. Chuckled through tears and told him I was too old for him. Just as I always did. But as his eyelids flickered, I whispered on his lips that I would. Painted the picture of being his one and only. That he would be mine and I would be his. Forever darling. Forever.
I changed after that day. I don't know if it was for the better or for the worse. But I've never been the same. My words weren't empty. I'll never know a wedding after the promises I made to him as he passed away in my arms. That part of me is buried in an unmarked grave behind the hills. That part of me will always be his. My handsome colt. I miss you all the time