#blinking tics

[depressedcryptographer]

I met a guy with the same tics as me the other day. He was giving a presentation on the economics of a recent anrena opening nearbyand was clearly nervous and kept doing the hard blink/eyebrow raise combo. I get a little nervous because I know sometimes if two people with tic disorders are in the same room, they can feed into each other, especially since we have the same tic, but for some reason his tics started slowing down, the hard blinks getting further apart, which triggered mine less, and for some reason we created a negative feedback loop of tics, which I didn’t know was possible. Maybe it calmed him down knowing that he wasn’t the only one here? Idk.

[depressedcryptographer]

When I was a kid I had super severe blinking tics and shudders/head motions, and I found representation and a word for the in ONE book, and it was Endgame: The Calling by James Frey. The character with the blinking/shivering tics is the twitchy little psychopath with an inverse Mohawk who likes to commit acts of terrorism, and I’m adding that to the list of why I am the way I am today.

Anyway the blinking tics is back, that’s what reminded me. I keep raising my eyebrows and as best I can describe it “stretching” my eyes and I have no idea what to do about it or what I did about it all those years ago.

[depressedcryptographer]

So anxious being back at home that my cortisol is through the roof, I’m hyperventilating at rest, and my blinking tic is nonstop. A week, I can’t do a week here. I can’t do it. Everyone I look I see reminders and I feel like I’m right back in those horrific moments and I can’t space out like I usually do and just coast through on autopilot (though I rarely have a choice) because there are involved things that have to get done and if I’m not there 100% then there’s no guarantees. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t think I can do this without a breakdown. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. My heart has not stopped racing for hours.

The one bright spot is that the war in Iran is so shitty for the economy that even my Trumper dad admits that it sucks.