Why I Have Decided To Have A 'Dating Detox'
Things have changed a lot in my 'love life' (bleh) since I broke up with my long term boyfriend of just under 2 and a half years. Particularly the way I view the idea of love and relationships.
Once I wasn't crying every day and got used to the idea of being by myself and remembered the reasons we ended the relationship, I started feeling happy, comfortable, and more positive with myself. I even started messaging a hot boy. I was like 'yeah' this is what I was missing out on before! Already though, alarm bells were ringing in my head, this is too soon. But I didn't wanna pass up this opportunity. But things were rushed because I was going to Australia for a month and they didn't work out.
For a while, I was getting over this but happy being single. I had a lot on my plate with uni and still dealing with my ex from before. Another guy showed interest and I wasn't exactly not interested in him but I held myself back. And when he asked me out on a date, I reluctantly said yes but realised this was a bad idea so took it back. We're still friends and get on well.
At this point in time, I said to myself I wouldn't settle for anything less than what my heart wants. After I was having alarm bells about the last two guys, I thought to myself, that's my gut telling me no. So the next time I was preparing for a date, I cancelled 2 days before because I had that anxious feeling again. I also said no to another friend and thought it was because I had too much on my plate with uni. So that was that.
I thought I liked a few people for a while but knew I didn't want a relationship so didn't do anything about it. Which was the best situation I was in for a while.
But then fear washed over me. Was I scared of being in another relationship? Of more intimacy? In a bid to break this, I decided to give more people a chance at a date first before I said no. So I gave out my number to people but it never went anywhere.
Then I ran into an acquaintance and he caught my eye. We both initiated dating and got on really well. I was proud of how casual I was being and I was having fun. But unfortunately, it wasn't what I was looking for. Whether it be him, the timing, the circumstances, I don't know. But a lot just wasn't right and the relief I felt that I'd done the right thing after we mutually decided to split was enough to reassure me. I was happy being single until the right person came along.
Well, damn, me. Why did I have to go and ask for a cute, American guy's number? Because I'm a dreamer, that's why. We hit it off well, so I thought, why not? Can't just sit around and wait for what you want. He took me on a date (well, at least I think it was) and I had the most amazing time. I felt hopeful because he seemed interested in staying in touch and I knew distance wasn't gonna stop me from getting anything I wished.
But after a few days, the situation was already making me anxious. I was over-analysing everything. Thinking and knowing I should go with the flow but really I was forcing it, wishing for hard for us to fall in love because come on, how amazing would that be?
That's when, and with some family and friend's input, I realised that this is my problem. I want to fall in love so bad that I go looking for it and try to make it happen. Granted, you can't sit at home everyday, not meeting anyone and pray some knight in shining armour's gonna turn up on your doorstep. But treating every single guy as a potential soul-mate is causing me a lot of damage.
Which is why I've decided to take a break. To re-evaluate my approach to relationships, love etc. And I'm going to document it all. For the benefit of myself and others reading. To show them an insight and maybe even enlighten people. So stick around. It might be life-changing. Or just plain entertaining. Who knows?
