But, I don't feel like Carrie Bradshaw?
Things that I think
How crazy it is that I am here
How i feel like i shouldn’t be feeling this way when I have it all
When will I know what the plan is long term?
Am i meant to be in one place at all times?
Do I actually love my life?
Song: Evermore - Taylor Swift
Weather - Sunny 10 Degrees
Date - Early April 2024
Screaming coming from the window outside. It’s normal, like an everyday thing but while I no longer sleep at what would be considered normal it’s not welcomed by me. It’s the crazy thing about living down here, you never know if the screams are from a homeless person,sorry unhoused. Or if it’s coming from again, what people would consider a normal person. It’s very diverse, down here and sometimes the people you least expect who are causing the ruckus around the neighborhood.
It’s finally a sunny day after a week long of rain and fog. Thing I have realized in the past 2 weeks, is that I am greatly affected emotionally by the weather (which is why I think I need to leave at all times), and also that I have no idea who I am. I wonder if the two are correlated. I wonder if I should stop smoking weed because my Mother would tell me it’s the drugs talking.
I guess I was hoping that if I gave myself the time to slow down and actually breathe it would calm me down enough that I would see this is all a big misunderstanding and I am completely insane so therefore in other people’s eyes I am “normal”. Which, now thinking about it makes me wonder if that is what this is all about. Me and my adventure to try to be perceived as “normal”.
As I type into this laptop and I wonder how or why I am even feeling the need to journal my thoughts, I wanted to type I was excited, but that’s not the emotion. I am so numb that I do smile but only because I wonder what will be coming from my fingertips in the next little bit as I navigate this. 2 Things we need to clear up. 1. I do type what I think and I don’t look back. AKA you’re going to see mistyped words and grammar and I DON”T CARE. 2. I can promise you this will be real, and is real. I am real.
