Puppy Tazer Week: In Which Puppy Tazer is On The Job
So, many many moons ago, I asked for puppy!Tazer prompts. I'm gonna try and post them all in the next few days, to have a little bit of a Puppy Tazer Week, seeing as how I'm celebrating not dying of the plague that I've had for, you know, December.
FIRST UP:
bm1893 replied to your post “Puppy Tazer aficionados”
Ooh! Can we get puppy!tazer with kids and all the adorbs that goes with it?
This story is basically the inverse of the below image - one lone puppy and four innocent Hawks babies that I didn't bother to figure out the actual ages of. And a Kaner, who has a big dumb mouth. Normal sugar coma warnings apply. Unbetaed, 2151 words.
“No, sweetheart,” Abby murmurs, but there’s more than a little of an edge to her voice. Sadie’s struggling to make a grand escape from her mother’s arms. Madelyn’s out having a night with her grandma, so at least there’s only the one Sharp baby to contend with. Colton and Carter are having some kind of crawling contest, where they’re alternating between falling down, sort of standing up, and crawling around the room double-time, actually managing to race pretty well. Then Colton smacks into the wall, falls over, and starts sobbing. Carter stops in the middle of the carpet, looks concerned for a second, and joins in the crying.
Kelly Rae’s entire face twitches, and Dayna starts scrubbing at the back of her neck.
“That all happened really fast,” Patrick mutters to Johnny, who - is no longer standing next to him. A small golden retriever trots across the room, heading straight for Colton. He head butts him so hard the baby falls over, but Colton looks delighted, with a loud, ear-piercing squeal to really convey his pleasure at being smacked down by a puppy. He tugs at Johnny’s ears, and Carter makes his way over and mostly faceplants onto Johnny’s back.
Sadie has stopped struggling, and is peering over at the pile of boys and puppy. She makes a couple of discontented noises, because she’s stuck in Abby’s arms, and there’s a dog, so Abby glances at Patrick.
“Go for it,” he shrugs. Johnny’s made of pretty stern stuff, even as a puppy.
Abby sets Sadie down next to Carter and starts demonstrating how to pet Johnny, but it’s not like there’s all that much room to work with, what with Carter sprawled over Johnny, and Colton scratching at Johnny’s head. Johnny manages to work himself out of Carter’s hold a bit, and Sadie shrieks and grabs for the open canvas of fur suddenly open to her.
Abby lets go and backs away slowly, relief plain on her face. Kelly Rae and Dayna are all wearing the same exact expressions, and Patrick’s hit with a moment of pity. And stupidity. “Hey, why don’t you guys go off for some coffee or something for an hour or whatever? Me and Johnny can hang out with the munchkins here.”
He expects objections, or at the very least, questions, but all three of them glance at each other and Dayna says: “That sounds great,” and they begin to file past.
“Hey, Elina - Patrick’s gonna watch the kids for an hour,” Kelly Rae says, when Elina walks in, baby Theo in hand. “Come on!”
Elina smiles brightly at Patrick, hands over Theo, says: “I just changed him!” and...okay, now there’s four babies and a puppy. How on earth would four awesome moms entrust Patrick with all their babies, Patrick thinks frantically, mouth opening to maybe - voice a doubt or four, but they’re already out the door.
So that’s fine. Way fine. Totally cool. Patrick’s got this.
*
Five Minutes Later
Patrick so doesn’t have this, but Johnny apparently does. The babies are all kind of - entranced by Johnny, who started out by trotting around the room, chock-full of his own self importance, all cock of the puppy walk or something. Patrick had started snickering at him, and Johnny had frozen up, like he hadn’t realized he was doing something that looked quite this hilarious. After Johnny had looked at him all - wounded, and maybe a little self-conscious, Patrick had held up his hands and said, honestly: “Keep going. You’re doing great.”
Now he’s entertaining the kids by dragging them around by their onesies or pants or, in Theo’s case, diaper. Just...tugging them along on the floor. Not very far, because pretty much all of the kids weigh more than him. But the babies are somehow entertained by this, and clap and shriek and try to bat at Johnny’s neck. Patrick supervises carefully. He’s sitting on the floor, ready for anybody to crawl over, ready to save a baby or a puppy from themselves or each other, but nobody seems to really care about him.
Carter kind of flops down on the floor and lies there, sucking on his pacifier quietly. Patrick waits for him to - cry, or do something, but he seems cool just lying there. Patrick’s sure as hell not gonna ask any questions.
Johnny sneezes, and that’s when all the babies stare, fixing eyes on him practically as one. It’s...actually creepy, and when Johnny glances over at Patrick, he can tell they’re on the same page on that one.
“Heyyyyy,” Patrick says, but he doesn’t actually have anything in mind to say. “Hey,” he says again, and reaches for the nearest baby. It’s Theo, so he pulls him into his lap and starts messing with his hands, in a hopefully entertaining way. Theo’s head bobs around for a moment, and then, yep, sobbing. Patrick hurriedly sets him back down on the floor, but Theo seems to have really committed to the crying, going from his normal color to red in about seven seconds flat. Patrick’s about to pick him up and start walking around, but Johnny ducks out from Sadie’s clutches, saunters over, and sticks his head right under Theo’s hand. He sets his paw on Theo’s knee and rubs his head against Theo’s belly.
It’s - wow, grossly cute. Patrick blinks and reaches out to pet Johnny himself. It’s like, instincts or something. Sadie heaves herself up, struggling, but manages to get herself over to Johnny. She and Theo get something approaching an actual rhythm going, alternating their pets. Colton and Carter are now...falling asleep on each other. On the floor.
Of course, all good things must come to an end, ‘cause Johnny starts barking. Sometimes when he gets excited about something, he just can’t help it, and apparently he’s just really excited about all this petting action going on.
All four babies start crying.
Like - literally simultaneously. Patrick glances up at the door, hoping against hope that somebody might come in here and - help. “Okay, hey, it’s - hey,” Patrick scrambles to his feet, picks up Colton and Carter, and starts walking around, trying to get them to chill out. Johnny keeps barking like an unhelpful dumbass.
“You, chill out!” Patrick says, pointing at Johnny with as much of his hand as possible, since they’re both basically filled with babies. Johnny barks one last time, looking a little mutinous, but gets himself together and....darts off, sprinting around the room like he’s being chased.
Sadie tries to crawl after him, falls down, and sobs like a wretch on the floor about her failure. She claws feebly at the carpet with her tiny fingernails.
Theo tries to crawl after him, and sort of jabs his fingers into Sadie’s cheek along the way, and that gets her up and moving, two confused babies crawling around on the floor, trying to track a dog who is bouncing off the walls. Johnny runs toward them, full sprint, and Patrick’s about to get nervous, but he peels off at the last second, and the crying just - stops, except for Carter, who has started a bit of a hiccuping thing.
Patrick’s starting to feel a little bit dizzy. Johnny’s running back and forth, brushing up against Sadie, trotting in circles around Theo, getting close enough for them to almost touch before darting off again. Colton tries to swandive his way out of Patrick’s arms, so Patrick gingerly deposits him back on the floor. Carter seems content to just hang out, and starts sucking on the collar of Patrick’s really nice, really expensive game suit shirt.
Patrick’s phone buzzes then, with a text from Abby: everything going ok? all 4 babies present and accounted for?
lost two not sure which ones its a surprise he texts.
lawyer up is all that comes back, and Patrick snickers. Carter looks up, then, and starts babbling, random little strings of sounds that Patrick shrugs and starts responding to until the kid starts hitting him in the face. It actually stings, and Patrick has to catch his hand mid-strike. He starts making faces at Carter, but Carter’s eyes go wide and alarmed and his head rears back. Okay, so - no faces for Seabsie’s baby. That's actually...not a big shocker, now that he's thinking about it.
Johnny has now started literally rolling around on the floor. Full on rolling over, paws batting at air, clearly trying to entertain the ring of babies around him. He looks ridiculous. He does this around Patrick, every now and again, like when Patrick’s bummed out over something, or when Patrick’s supposed to be paying attention to him and he’s like, trying to talk on the phone or something, or when he wants Patrick to make him steak and he feels like being shameless about it. It’s definitely something Patrick wouldn’t mind seeing more of, but Johnny tends to save it for special circumstances.
Like a ring of wide-eyed, enchanted babies. It’s like Johnny saves whatever showmanship he possibly possesses for when he’s a golden retriever. Carter starts babbling quietly again, so Patrick says, “Yes, I agree, that is a very silly dog.”
Sadie’s now started batting at Johnny’s paws and it’s hideously cute. Patrick whips out his phone and hits record; it’s been awhile since he sent Andree a video of her dumb kid when he’s a dog. It’s like - Johnny’s cute as a dog. He has a lot of cute moments as a dog. Andree’s well aware of this. It’s way old news that Johnny’s a fucking cute dog; so why send video reiterating it time and again, you know?
But Johnny playing a kind of patty cake type thing with a baby, well. That definitely covers new ground. He records about thirty seconds of it and hits send to Johnny’s mom and his own, ‘cause his mom deserves nice things too.
That’s when Patrick spies it - a tennis ball, sitting innocuously on a table tray. He's pretty sure that the visitors in the family room use it as a stress ball during games, and it's about to come in real handy in a similar vein right about now. “Oh ho ho,” he crows, purposefully loud and dramatic. “What do we have here?” he asks Carter. “A ball!”
He rolls it toward Johnny, and true to form, Johnny’s whole body shudders, because ball. He flops to his feet and picks it up with his teeth, like the vicious little monster that he so clearly is, and pitches it back at Patrick.
“Okay everybody, gather ‘round,” Patrick says, and settles in on the ground, Carter in his lap, Theo sitting up, Sadie yawning, and Colton tracking the ball’s motion. Colton nudges the ball with his foot. It goes about three inches, and when Patrick glances at Johnny, he can tell Johnny’s just as unimpressed with the effort.
The ball just sits there with four babies and a dog all staring at it.
“Ooooookay,” Patrick says, and picks it up, pitching it at the wall so it’ll rebound. Johnny, naturally goes nuts, and bounds off to murder the ball. Carter crawls off away from Patrick and goes to sit next to Colton. Johnny trots up to them and sets the ball down, tilting his head. Sits his ass down on the carpet, tail wagging slightly.
He looks at Patrick after a moment, clearly confused. Why is no one throwing the ball his expression plainly asks. Patrick shrugs; like he knows. He rolls onto his stomach and grabs for the ball, rolling it along the floor past Johnny.
Johnny just...pushes his belly to the ground and stares straight at Patrick, paws tucked in front of him.
“We having a staring contest?” Patrick teases, and reaches out his hand to rub at Johnny’s head. Johnny huffs a little contented breath just as the door swings open, and hey -
“Moms!” Patrick exclaims to the babies, who all look incredibly animated, and well. Of course. Moms.
Patrick pulls Johnny up off the floor and gets to his feet, watching as babies get collected.
“That was sweet of you,” Elina smiles and pats Patrick on the shoulder.
Johnny barks, very lightly, very indignantly. “You too!” she exclaims, and rubs Johnny’s head. There’s a chorus of thank yous and packing babies up with huge bags like they’re going to another state, rather than a few miles. Patrick waves at babies who don’t notice, and Johnny barks his goodbyes. Four barks exactly.
“Wow,” Patrick comments, after they’re all gone. That was basically the fastest and slowest hour of his life, at the same time.
Johnny lets out a low, whistly sort of bark in commiseration.
“I dunno about you, but I’m feeling like we earned some steak dinner tonight,” Patrick says, tucking Johnny in on his shoulder and shutting off the light behind them.