Live My Life - chapter 12
synopsis - you and karina were from two different worlds in the music industry. your world consisted of the small local scene of artists who were unapologetically themselves to stay true to their art. but in karina’s world, the money and fame of being a kpop idol came with having to maintain a spotless reputation to be loved by the public.
your worlds collide when you’re given the chance to work with sm entertainment as a rising music producer and dj. karina’s charming, confident, and the nation’s newest it girl, while you’re a natural wallflower content with being in your own little bubble. but despite the differences, maybe opposites do attract after all.
a/n - just in case anyone gets confused, jennie is a soloist in the lml universe
warnings - mentions of smoking, alcohol and substance use, suggestive
wc - 4.3k
taglist - @yoontoonwhs @suntareads @saysirhc @gtfoiydlyj @edeivveiss @spidrgamer @lovelyglares @jeindall777 @1luvkarina @multiliker @electronicluminarycoffee @sixflame438 @rinapomu
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it’s an ideal arrangement, one that’s built purely on convenience.
she’s looking for fun, while you’re looking to get your mind off things, which makes jennie the perfect distraction.
your unspoken agreement is casual, at most, and it doesn’t require much without having feelings involved.
the routine that comes with it is simple — you meet up, get fucked up, and fuck. sometimes it happens at your humble home, and sometimes it’s at her place with a bedroom that could fit your entire apartment. but either way, you love it.
the nights lost in the sheets have done more than enough to help you get by, even if what goes on is nothing close to romantic. there aren’t any soft kisses laced with deeper meaning or needing to tenderly hold one another close once you both collapse from exhaustion. you’re only meant to satisfy each other’s desires, yet there’s a difference in the comfort jennie brings, and it’s not even from how good she makes you feel under her touch.
you enjoy every bit of pleasure just as much, but surprisingly, it’s what happens after your bodies are completely spent that you seem to look forward to more.
it’s the part when you haven’t even fully come down from your high yet, but you’re already lazily clothed, sitting together by the balcony with seoul’s skyline in view. usually sharing a cigarette and a glass of liquor in the other hand, or sometimes even passing a blunt if the moment calls for it, there’s a certain intimacy it holds, as if jennie’s been a long lost friend you’ve crossed paths with again.
the first few encounters end being undeniably awkward, with both of you gauging when the best time to leave is once the deed is done, though it only takes a couple of nights until it gets comfortable. moving past the lewd things said in the bedroom, suddenly you find yourselves confiding in each other, talking as if you’d known each other all your lives.
opening up isn’t natural at all for you, yet it’s surprisingly effortless when it comes to her. she’s earned your trust enough to be told about the rollercoaster that life has been in the past few months, though you’ve made sure to leave out all the details pointing towards the other idol she’s definitely familiar with. jennie doesn’t pry further into who she is, and as always, she’s been content with just sitting with you to quietly listen.
the late night conversations you share are different from the usual ones that grace your day. in some way, they’re special.
even if your situation wasn’t typically ideal, it was reassuring enough to know that you weren’t so alone anymore, and that was exactly what you needed especially when jimin was ever so present again.
if you were to be completely honest, you weren’t quite sure about what to feel from the news of the break up announcement.
at first, you thought you’d be completely happy, and you had to admit that knowing she and your replacement were over did make your heart feel a bit lighter. yet the whole debate between fans if it was all for the sake of publicity surprisingly brought about other feelings.
it’s not as if you ever stopped wondering about her, it’s just that new questions entered your head this time.
was she doing alright? was she in the same state of heartbreak from losing him? or was she actually relieved that the entire alleged fake dating fiasco was over?
though whatever the case, fake or not, you assume it wouldn’t have happened if jimin had never agreed to it in the first place. truthfully, you can’t even blame her. she was all over the headlines, and the publicity that came in exchange was a sweet deal if she was only in it to boost her career.
but then again, maybe that’s just how it is in her world. you sell your soul for whatever keeps you in the spotlight, and apparently jimin was no different. you were just so in love to think that she was too genuine to care.
but despite the endless thoughts and lingering questions, there was no point in seeking answers to them anymore.
as painful as it was to admit again, you and jimin were done.
it really was time to move on.
passing weeks have turned into months since then. life has gone back to a resemblance of how it used to be, sticking to producing for indie artists and small labels, despite the boost in fame within your circle.
still, jennie brings a sense of comfort, whether it’s through pleasure or the late night talks that come with it. there still aren’t feelings involved, but it’s not like you’re complaining anyway.
having no feelings present means having no expectations, and without that, there aren’t any reasons for attachment. you don’t really care, and you’re absolutely fine with whatever allows your heart to stay intact.
are you over jimin? you’re not entirely sure, but you like to think you are.
you’ve been doing a lot better at keeping your feelings at bay, though it’s not as if they aren’t there. they’ve just become easier to keep repressed, somehow like a deep cut in your heart that’s ever present, yet you’ve picked up the pieces enough for the pain to get ignored, for the most part. that wound hasn’t completely healed, but it’s well in the process of getting there, and you’re just begging it doesn’t get reopened again.
life has become seemingly quiet compared to what it used to be. your days have been predictable in a sense, and you like the familiarity if it keeps your well-being in check.
but life does have its ways, wanting to test how long that wound can stay patched up when your phone rings with a name you thought you’d forgotten flashing right on its screen.
you remain frozen as it continues buzzing, contemplating if you should even pick up at all. it goes on for about a minute, then it stops. but after a quick sigh of relief, it only takes a few seconds until the device in your hands is ringing again, making it clear that whatever needs to be talked about is definitely important.
it’s been months. what could she possibly want? or rather, what could they want? it might be a mistake to answer, but the building curiosity makes you unable to stop yourself.
“hi y/n.” it’s actually a cheerful greeting, yet you know there’s an underlying purpose to this sudden conversation, and you can’t help but respond with indifference.
“sooyoung.”
“it’s been awhile. i’m glad you picked up.”
“what’s this about?” another greeting gets blatantly ignored. you’re in no mood for fake introductions, clearly not mirroring her smile on the other end. your heart’s racing, just wanting her to get to the point as soon as possible.
you already assume the worst, figuring you’re about to lose all credit for supernova or that this could be the dreaded phone call to inform you of a lawsuit waiting with your name on it.
before reaching out, sooyoung meant to casually ease into the rest of the conversation, though all plans of that happening have gone down the drain by the way she can already tell you’re on edge.
she clears her throat before she continues.
“we want you to produce another song for aespa.”
“why me?” you’re thankful none of your initial thoughts are what they need you for, yet what she says isn’t relieving to hear at all.
“well, all the demos presented so far keep getting rejected. i had to take a chance and see if you’d be up for it.”
“so i’m your last resort?” you ask instantly, evident tone of annoyance present.
“no, y/n. it’s not that,” she responds, pausing for a moment to let out a sigh. but when she speaks again, her voice suddenly softens. “there’s something special about you.”
“and if i’m being honest, it’s still your sound that captures aespa the most.”
it doesn’t matter if she wasn’t lying, you’re left unimpressed by her compliments. you’re not asking for flattery. you don’t even want to consider it, replying immediately once more before you allow yourself to think. “i already have a lot going on right now. sorry.”
“wait. listen, i know a lot has happened in the past few months. this whole industry can be crazy sometimes.”
you scoff in your thoughts.
you don’t know the half of it.
“and if you’re expecting some sort of apology from sm, i’ll be the one to tell you that sadly, this is the best they can do.”
it’s funny she even mentions that, as if she just wants you to decline.
you want to admire sooyoung’s persistence, but you’re not asking for sympathy either, especially not from them. though there’s guilt laced in her words, so you say nothing to let her continue.
“but do it for jimin, at least.”
yet that’s what breaks through the hard facade. you’re left stunned for a moment, and you honestly don’t know what to respond to that.
once the name slips out, only deafening silence is heard in the seconds that pass.
“look, if you change your mind, you know where to reach me.”
“bye sooyoung.”
yup, life was testing you alright. it’s oddly timely, right when you’ve regained a sense of control over things.
though ultimately, the decision is still yours to make. there shouldn’t be any factor to stop you from saying no, not even the considerable paycheck or another track for a top company added to your résumé.
it’s simple. all you need to do is ignore the offer, and you’ll be happily on your way back to days free from any reminders of heartbreak.
yet you just can’t. since that call was dropped, it’s all you’ve been thinking about.
were you ready to let jimin back into your life again?
the decision hanging above your head has you battling with your own conscience. it’s been eating at your brain, right to the point where your mind hasn’t been clear enough to interact with anyone, including jennie and her attempts of hooking up that could surely make you forget about it.
the first few times you decline don’t bother her at all. she’s busy, you’re busy. she gets it. but it’s been weeks since the sudden change in pattern, and jennie just needs to find out why you keep saying no.
you’d think it’s just her being needy, wanting to get her fix whether you’re truly up for it or not, but it surprisingly isn’t the case.
in the months you and her have been in this arrangement, you’re certain it hasn’t been purely about satisfaction, though it’s unknown to you that she’s had the same thoughts as well. the term of friends with benefits does carry the word ‘friend’ in it after all, and that’s exactly what she views you as. a rather close friend, if she were to say so herself, and she just feels the need to check up on you.
to be honest, she looks forward to your late night talks as much as you do. you’ve told her more than enough times that her presence does a lot to help you get by, and with your sudden disappearance lately, she can definitely tell something’s up.
it’s past 10 pm once your quiet evening is interrupted from the doorbell ringing. you’re not in any way expecting guests tonight, leaving you quite startled to find jennie waiting on the other side of your apartment door.
“hi?”
you expect to receive some explanation for why she decided to show up, but instead, it’s like she’s the one who’s surprised once your eyes meet.
“my god, you look horrible,” she says, eyebrows furrowing while she scans your face. noticing the messy hair and dark circles, it’s obvious you haven’t slept in days.
most of the time you appreciate jennie’s bluntness, yet you’re not amused by her comment and the sudden company. but before you can even retort, she’s already pushing past you to make herself at home. with her shoes instantly flung off by the doorway and her purse lazily falling onto the couch, she goes back to observing you.
“so, what’s been up with you lately?”
“work. that’s all,” you answer with a shrug, but you avoid her gaze, which tells her otherwise. in a second, her jaw drops along with her eyes nervously growing wide, looking like she’s been hit by a truck.
“y/n, don’t tell me you actually have feelings for me or anything. believe me, i’m the last person you’d want to fall in love with—”
part of you wants to let her continue the cute stammering until she embarrasses herself enough, though you’re not really in the mood for any games. you decide not to, frantic waving hands causing her to stop. “oh my god, jen. that’s not it.”
“oh okay, cause you scared me for a second.” a sigh of relief escapes before her signature smirk returns, yet she still hasn’t earned a smile from you.
“but really, what’s going on with you?” she asks again, already by the kitchen bringing out two glasses for whiskey to be poured, like she knows tonight’s conversation is about to be a serious one.
“sm wants me to produce for aespa again.”
you don’t sound the least bit excited when you say it, especially because of the audible huff you let out once you heavily sink into the couch, making jennie’s eyebrow raise in confusion.
“and why isn’t that great news?” she comes closer to place a glass in your hands, taking a seat to settle beside you while she waits for an answer.
after taking a gulp, you figure it’s about time she knew. jennie’s proven that you could trust her anyway.
“so the girl i’ve been telling you about…” you begin, voice trailing off for a second as she leans in anticipation. there’s never actually been a name or face tied to whoever’s been on your mind for so long.
“it’s jimin.”
“that’s who you’ve been moping about all this time?!” her voice shoots straight into your ears from the sudden confession, eyes growing wide and jaw dropping again, but you only reply with a deep sigh.
“damn, i’m actually impressed,” she jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood. your sunken expression hasn’t changed though, blankly staring into the liquor swirling in your glass. “so, are you taking it? doesn’t that mean you get to see her again?”
“i don’t know if that’s a good idea. i’m sure you saw the news about her dating.”
“you know that was obviously fake, right?” her reply comes out instantly, staring at you in disbelief.
“what?”
“y/n, it was a publicity stunt. companies do it all the time.” the way she says it is like it’s supposed to be common knowledge, but she’s still met with your clear confusion as the words leave her lips. “i didn’t know what to believe.”
“wait, why did she break up with you again?”
“we were good, jen. then she suddenly said sm wouldn’t allow it anymore.”
“let me guess, threatening to put the group on hiatus? god, it’s always the same bullshit,” she exclaims, eyes rolling at her own statement.
“i don’t know. she never mentioned anything else.”
“see, they probably forced her to end things so you wouldn’t be a problem once the dating news came out.”
there’s conviction in the way she speaks, making you remind yourself that you could trust jennie. she’s only been so straight forward with things, and she’s definitely been in the industry long enough to have seen it all. there was no way she could be lying.
“i’m so confused,” is all you say though, responding with a whisper as your face gets buried into your hands. “why didn’t she tell me?”
“you’ll have to ask her that yourself. but y/n, that’s the way this fucking industry works. if you want what’s best for you, you’re supposed to blindly follow whatever management says.”
it becomes silent as she observes you, watching your brain work in overdrive to connect the dots. she wishes you had told her about jimin sooner, though she completely understands why you chose to leave her name out it.
she isn’t sure of what she feels for you at the moment, if it’s pity or if she’s glad that she’s managed to shed some light on your thoughts. yet seeing you in this situation seems all too familiar for jennie. now, more of your pain makes sense.
“i’ve been there, you know.” as she speaks again, her voice comes out a bit differently this time. there’s a sadness to it, somewhat like an underlying hint of longing, and it causes you to look up to finally meet her gaze. “what do you mean?”
“the whole falling in love when you’re not supposed to, career being put on the line type of thing. i just stopped caring a long time ago.”
throughout the nights of her company, jennie’s made you feel safe enough to slowly open up to her. she’s only ever shared details of crazy escapades with one night stands and past flings that didn’t quite work out. it’s never really gotten much deeper when she speaks about love, and judging from your current situation, you figure she’s just not the type of girl who’s in it for the long run.
there’s a part of her past that’s remained unknown to you. it doesn’t just get told to anyone, yet in that moment, without a doubt, jennie knew she could trust you with her story too.
regardless of her reputation, you’ve admired her entire take it or leave it personality. but as another glass of liquor gets poured, a new side of her shows itself. it seems to be even more genuine, walls completely down and quite a contrast from the careless persona you’ve gotten used to. her voice suddenly softens and her gaze strays away from yours, and you can’t help but notice the faint glint in her eye from a tear forming right at the edge.
it’s been years since she lost the only person she’s ever loved, but the memories seem just like yesterday.
she remembers everything about the day she met jisoo. she could never forget how bright the sun was, how she stumbled into the nearest cafe for an iced latte to escape the heat, but most of all, the beautiful barista handing over the drink from the other side of the counter. she could never forget her smile either, and jennie just knew she had to see her again.
taking only a few seemingly unplanned visits and a couple of lattes later, it became the summer love everyone dreams about, filled with exciting dates and late nights of shared kisses without the world to see.
in the midst of jennie’s rising fame, it seemed like she really had it all, yet it was what went on behind closed doors that truly made her feel complete.
ideally, love wasn’t even something she was looking for. when she thought about it, having someone would only slow her down, possibly just get in the way of her road to stardom. jisoo was never supposed to be part of the picture, but somehow, she felt exactly like the missing piece.
she became jennie’s little secret, her much needed escape from the pressure of idol life. quiet, simple yet standing out effortlessly in the field of fans, bringing her happiness like no other. jisoo was her very own flower to tend to and admire, even if she was the one placed on a pedestal to be adored by the world.
but as the public’s love for her grew, so did the company’s need for control. her reputation had to remain spotless if it meant more opportunities falling into her lap, and jennie was eventually forced to make that difficult decision of choosing whose love to keep.
she couldn’t lose jisoo, but she couldn’t let go of the dream she had worked so hard for as well. she tried to convince herself that they could still hide it, despite the risks. but at that point, it was inevitable, and jennie painfully decided to let the love of her life go.
jennie promised that she would find her again someday, when she was free, far from a life consumed by keeping up with the perfect image. she had no idea when that would be or if the time would ever come at all, yet she held onto that promise as a means to get by.
the months turned into years, and once she received that unexpected invitation, it marked that the chance to relive that great summer love would never come again.
jisoo just couldn’t wait forever.
the last time they had locked eyes was the day of jisoo’s wedding. it was an intimate gathering by the countryside, away from the busy city and flashing lights jennie’s life revolved around. standing at the altar, jisoo still looked as beautiful as she did on that very first day, but her smile was different. it was brighter, happier than jennie had ever seen.
that’s when it made sense. it was true — a flower can never bloom if it doesn’t get to see the sun.
she finally wasn’t just someone’s mere little secret. in her own world, jisoo was finally able to bloom with a love that was free for everyone to witness.
on that day, jennie made a new promise, realizing that she too could bloom if she allowed every part of who she was to bask in the sunlight. she wouldn’t allow any more room for regrets, despite everything that was expected of her.
if it led her to finally choosing herself and putting her own happiness first, then giving up the love of her was a fair price to pay for the years of heartbreak.
as her story finishes, you’re standing side by side on the balcony with smoke over your heads getting lost in the breeze. somehow, you can tell it’s probably the last cigarette you’ll ever share together, and it’s funny how even that final moment is identical to how you met.
you never questioned if there was a deeper meaning for jennie to come into your life, other than she kept you distracted as you picked up the pieces to feel whole again. though from the night’s entire conversation, that’s when it dawned upon you. in that moment, you fully understood why fate led you and jennie to that unexpected interaction outside of the party’s chilly balcony.
“you still love her, don’t you?”
the question hangs in the air for a moment, clearly catching you off guard. you can’t even remember the last time you asked it to yourself. a million thoughts seem to fill your mind, and honestly, you don’t even know what to say.
silence is your only response, but from that, it’s obvious what the answer is.
“you should do it.” it’s encouraging when she says it, voice carrying a sense of determination, like she just knows it’s what’s meant for you. but as if she hasn’t convinced you enough throughout the night, you still reply with a light shake of your head. “i don’t know, jen.”
“y/n, life’s too fucking short for passing on second chances.”
the last stick gets flicked into the ashtray as the words eacape. before you can even respond, she’s already halfway inside, gathering her things on her way towards the door.
“leaving so soon?”
“it’s late. i gotta get going.” you catch her right by the entrance, taking some time to slip on her shoes and adjust herself in the mirror.
in the seconds that pass, you can’t help but observe her, gaze trailing to take in each of her features that have become so familiar. it could possibly be the last time you’ll ever see jennie, so you might as well remember the image of the person who brought you comfort for so long, especially the pretty cat eyes you bared your soul to throughout the months.
once her hands sits on the doorknob to signal that she’s ready to go, she pauses, wanting to tell you something before the night ends.
“you know, one day, jimin will stop caring too.” a soft smile graces her lips when she says it, making you nod in response. “thanks, jen.”
“for what?”
“you already know.”
she chuckles to herself. she knows exactly why.
“call me if it doesn’t work out.”
the signature smirk paired with a playful wink are the last things you receive from jennie, yet you’re certain it’s the perfect way to say goodbye.
the second she leaves turns into a couple more hours of being alone with your thoughts. if you stayed like this a little longer, the sun is bound to come up soon, though the need for sleep hasn’t settled in at all. jennie’s words have been set on an endless loop, bouncing off the walls in your head like a little voice whispering to fully trust it.
your heart is bursting with emotions. you can’t even pinpoint what it is you’re feeling. if it’s excitement, nervousness, sheer anxiety, or just everything all at once.
but whatever it is, somehow, it feels right.
taking in a deep breath, the call button finally gets pressed.
“jesus, what time is it?” the voice on the other end answers, groggy and clearly disoriented from being suddenly woken up.
“sooyoung, i’ll do it.”
“oh.” it occurs to her who she’s speaking to, and it’s almost as if you can sense her lips curl into a smile right through the phone. “i’m glad you called then.”
“tell me the details.”
“i’ll fill you in on everything in the morning. but just so you know, it’s going to be called whiplash.”
a/n - jensoo nation scream 😔😭
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