#boganodawns datalogs

[boganodawns]

I have to say that part of the reason I love Cal’s character so much is because, despite how flawlessly good he is, it’s not easy for him.

He gets angry, he gets cocky, he loses hope.

But he never, ever lets that define or dictate his choices. He claws his way out of whatever pit he’s been dropped in, time and time again.

Sometimes he slips - he spends a good chunk of time feeling betrayed by Cere for withholding information from him, and he all but gives up after Trilla takes the holocron from him.

But he claws and fights, and even when he’s not certain about something, he carries on. He sticks by his own beliefs but allows the experiences of others to be heard and help him understand the true complexities of the situation he’s in.

It takes time, and sometimes he backslides into hopelessness and anger and trauma, but he never really gives up.

That takes a monumental amount of energy and effort, for anyone.

Cal has been through so much shit in his short life - he’s been betrayed by those he though of as family, watched not one but both of his paternal figures be murdered in front of him, grew up under the shadow of the executioners axe, experienced countless traumas both his own and those delivered upon him by an ability he didn’t ask for, and has narrowly escaped death so many times.

He’s got scars, physical and mental, and yet never, not once does he truly stop.

There is so much good in this boy who has experienced so much hate and horror, there is no way it comes easy to him. But still, he does it. He stays good and kind in the face of terror and betrayal despite setback after setback and loss after loss.

Cal isn’t good because he’s one-demensional, he’s good because that’s the only thing that keeps him going when it seems like the entire galaxy is determined to beat him down. It takes incredible effort and strength of will to stay kind when it seems like the entire galaxy is trying to tell you its not worth it.

Cal’s tenacious and reckless and so damn good. He gives chance after chance to others, because he knows what its like to feel like you’ve run out of options. He’s been there, and he never wants to go back, and he’ll do everything he can to make sure no one else knows what it’s like because that’s what keeps him going.

[boganodawns]

Alright folks how do we feel about a touch-averse Cal Kestis who wears his gloves nonstop to control how and when he uses his psychomentry because he wasn’t given a chance to train it before Order 66 and as a result has extremely sensitive hands and also ends up knocked out of commission every time he uses his ability.

after order 66 he was bombarded (as a CHILD) with not only his only trauma but the trauma of everyone around him and I doubt it took him very long to decide that contact with both people and objects is... unwise if he wants to stay under the radar. Thus lack of physical contact = continued safety, and even the slightest breach of personal space represents Risk of Discovery.

Join me in imagining Cal flinching at the softest touch and jumping out of the way of people to avoid bumping into them or their stuff and triggering an episode. Even on board the Mantis, where he knows he’s relatively safe.

[boganodawns]

It’s frankly terrifying how well-suited to some pretty awful jobs Cal is. Like. He would be a fearsome opponent regardless, but can you even imagine? Cal as a Bounty Hunter? As an Assassin?

Normal force-sensitives are a powerful bunch in general, but Cal. Cal touches a well-loved instrument and can play a tune - created by the owner years ago - on it, flawlessly

Imgine if the Haxion Brood had given Cal anything but a lightsaber, or worse, told him he had to win the first round without it to get it back, and then gave him a blaster taken off some poor schlub who died in the pit because the Haxion Brood doesn’t play fair.

Imagine the crowd jeering when he goes to his knees at the echo, thinking the poor jedi can’t even stand the thought of using a blaster and there’ll be no show for them.

Imagine the absolute silence when the first creatures are released into the ring, and without so much as a flinch, Cal drops them all where they stand, one by one, a single blaster shot each.

Imagine the mounting fear as they send combatant after combatant into the ring, only for this former jedi in training to pick up increasingly well-loved weapons from Haxion Brood bounty hunters and continue to learn.

And after The Mantis takes him away imagine the terror as they realize they just gave A Jedi without an Order all the tactical, weapon and combat knowledge the Haxion Brood possesses. All of their best bounty hunters, assassins, guards...

And he knows exactly how to use it now.

[boganodawns]

Cere holding a recently purchased, barely-used blaster out for Cal to take and saying “I know you don’t need it, but I’d sleep better if I knew you had a back up plan just in case.”

And Cal, kind, understanding Cal, takes it without comment, and rides the resulting Force echo out without a peep, leaving Cere none the wiser about the history of the weapon.

He does not, however, let her try to teach him how to fire it. He just promises he’ll practice his aim, and the determination in his eyes gives Cere pause enough to let him go.

Sometime later, as she stares down at the body of a bounty hunter who got the drop on Cal and managed to separate him from his lightsaber, she counts two very precise blaster shots through the spinal column, and she knows.

Barely-used does not mean new, and Cal doesn’t need to practice to learn new skills.

She resolves not to buy him anything that isn’t fresh off the manufacturing line, after that.

[boganodawns]

im curious about how you interpreted trilla saying "avenge us", was she talking to vader or cal and cere, and who is "us"? the jedi? the inquisitors? someone else?

I 100% believe she was talking to Cal and Cere. 

The person who she blamed for her capture, her torture - who she watched use the dark side and then leave - had just acknowledged how much pain Trilla was put through, and apologized for her role in it.

She basically told Trilla “Your trauma is valid, I take full responsibility for my role in it, and though it might not do much now, I am sorry.”

By doing that, all the work the empire put in to convincing Trilla that Cere didn’t care about her, that no one did, that the world was cruel and callous and already Trilla was lost?

Cere undid some of it. She actively demonstrated that no one, not even Trilla, is unworthy of apology. No matter what you’ve done, or what’s been done to you, you deserve to have your trauma acknowledged. 

Cere recognizes the part she played and what it did to Trilla and apologized for it. She even acknowledges that apologies are not enough, will never be enough, but she does it anyways.

Cere used the dark side but didn’t let it consume her - but she doesn’t blame Trilla for succumbing, either.

And I always interpret that line as Trilla talking about all of them - every Jedi Master, Knight, Padawan and youngling who was cut down by the Empire.

Not just the ones who died, but the ones who were twisted against their will into hunting down their bretheren. The ones who were tortured and condemned to an existence of war and pain. The ones the Empire convinced that there was nothing left to fight for, that their hope was foolish and flawed.

Trilla asked Cal and Cere to avenge those who were no longer able to avenge themselves. The dead and the lost and the ones yet to come who might suffer the same fate.

She knew exactly what was waiting for her as soon as she heard Cere’s apology, and everything the Empire tried to instill in her started to crumble at the foundations, and she accepted it. 

Because she felt hope that someone cared, that someone would carry on for her, and everyone else that fell before her.

[boganodawns]

accidentally thinks about cal having absolutely piss-poor self confidence because he spent a ggood chunk of his formative years surrounded by the propaganda of the Empire telling him that he and his order are traitorous filth and even though he knows in his heart its not true, its hard to combat that kind of constant negativity when even lack of explicit agreement might be enough to blow his cover. So he nods, and pretends to agree when necessary and silently mourns the loss of everything that was probably a MASSIVE chunk of his self identity as its every tenet is dragged through the mud.

Even identifying as a Jedi is probably hollow on Bracca especially - he never finished his training, he LOST HIS LIGHTSABER and his Master and his whole family in one go, and his connection to the force was damaged to the point he forgot most of his training anyway. He’s practically useless in a fight, and that’s made obvious when he goes up against the Second Sister.

He probably felt like a pretty piss-poor excuse for a Jedi, honestly. unworthy of the term, definitely. He was only ever a padawan, after all, and one who blames himself for his masters death and whose connection to the force is flawed and frightening (at the beginning, at least).

Even once he regains his memories, fixes his lightsaber and surrounds himself with people who see his value and tell him so as often as possible, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a little bit of imposter syndrome going on.

[boganodawns]

no i don’t relate to him At All

[boganodawns]

i had the worst idea this morning abt Cal losing partial vision after a blaster shot catches him across the eyes and then-

Cal using a combination of Psychometry and general Force sensitivity to get around just as well as before, supplemented by his remaining vision.

Cal being led into a Empire-orchestrated trap where he’s forced to rely wholly on the force to maneuver through an area.

Cal realizing that the area he’s in was the site of a massacre of force-users and if he wants to escape he’ll have to subject himself to witnessing their deaths over and over again.

Cal coming to the horrifying conclusion that this massacre wasn’t at the time of Order 66 but was much more recent. So recent in fact, that he can’t shake the feeling it was all done intentionally, for him.